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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect guests to help out a bit?

67 replies

unicorncrumble · 08/05/2023 11:55

DH friend is staying with us for the BH weekend. We've not done anything fancy 1 bbq, picnic-y bits etc, but he's not lifted a finger. I've just lost it because we have other mutual friends coming for lunch (all planned in advance) he only got up half an hour ago, made himself breakfast and then said he wouldn't be hungry again for lunch until around 3. When I say I lost it, what I mean is that I reminded him that friends were coming over about midday to eat before that and now seething old I write this.
Seriously though. Not even a plate tidies away or a cup washed.

OP posts:
ExtraOnions · 08/05/2023 11:57

Who’s not done anything … DH or DH Friend ? I’m a bit confused.

Either way, if you need help, ask … have you asked ?

MumToTooManyBoys · 08/05/2023 11:57

Give him jobs to do, ' hey dickhead would you mind help clearing these plates? Or could you stack the dishwasher please?

KarmaStar · 08/05/2023 11:57

Don't give him any lunch.he's acting like a teenager staying in your home and having no respect for you.send him home.

TheChosenTwo · 08/05/2023 11:57

Is it just one houseguest? Just how much mess is he making that you’ve lost it?
Definitely bad manners not help out but for the sake of one person presumably leaving today/tomorrow I think I’d have either asked him to clear up after himself or just done it myself and moved on so I would enjoy the rest of my day.

callmemavis · 08/05/2023 11:58

why are you telling us instead of him? be an adult and speak to him

MrsSkylerWhite · 08/05/2023 11:59

I would rather guests didn’t “help”. I know what I want done and it’s quicker to get on with it myself.

You do want help though, so just say so 🤷‍♀️

HairyFarnbarn · 08/05/2023 12:00

Have you asked him to tidy up after himself? Just say something instead of seething to yourself

Original poster
unicorncrumble · 08/05/2023 12:10

ExtraOnions · 08/05/2023 11:57

Who’s not done anything … DH or DH Friend ? I’m a bit confused.

Either way, if you need help, ask … have you asked ?

It's the friend. DH and I have been splitting the work.

OP posts:
Original poster
unicorncrumble · 08/05/2023 12:13

ExtraOnions · 08/05/2023 11:57

Who’s not done anything … DH or DH Friend ? I’m a bit confused.

Either way, if you need help, ask … have you asked ?

Yes - and I really should have made this clearer in my post. I either do it myself or ask him to, but frankly just getting irritated, he'll make himself a snack leave everything out on the side and then leave the plate, etc etc. I think it's because I just wouldn't dream of doing anything like that in someone else's house

OP posts:
AutumnCrow · 08/05/2023 12:13

I’d ignore him for the rest of the day except to tell him when he’s in the way.

Odd your DH invited him if he’s a pain in the arse.

MasterBeth · 08/05/2023 12:17

So you're annoyed because you've done absolutely everything and you're annoyed because he made his own breakfast? I don't get it.

MsMcGonagall · 08/05/2023 12:18

he doesn't sound too great, but leave him to it / ignore him in relation to lunch. If he wants to sit there and not eat, that's on him.

Also, why not be specific with the help you'd like, eg, Friend, could you please wash up/ make a round of tea.

I can feel wary of overstepping in other people's houses, doing things in their kitchebs that aren't the way they like it. Also, when we have guests, I prefer to wash up etc if I can, I feel more comfortable that way.

Yesterday we were guests and I feel a bit guilty today that I didn't get involved in washing up. But, they have a very small kitchen and others were on it and I don't know their "ways" in that cramped kitchen. I DID help out with the amusing and entertaining of the youngest children present instead.

Pinkydamage · 08/05/2023 12:21

I think it's very difficult being a guest. My mum doesn't want anyone touching anything in her kitchen or in fact lifting a finger if theyre her guest, my sister wants everyone to muck in as if they live there, I like a bit of help but still want it to be my house.

Depending on the guest's personality, they might be worried about interfering or not doing enough. So you have to tell them what you want.

Emotionalstorm · 08/05/2023 12:25

I never expect guests to help out. What do you want them to do, come and clean your house for you ?

thing47 · 08/05/2023 12:25

Well lunch is whenever you want to serve it. If he's not hungry, fine, he doesn't have to eat. House guests don't get to decide what time meals are served.

Xmasbaby11 · 08/05/2023 12:27

I wouldn’t expect a guest to help tbh .. only one guest doesn’t generate much extra work. A whole family, that’s another story!

PuppyMonkey · 08/05/2023 12:31

What snacks is he making for himself? Sounds a bit CF to me. If he’s comfortable enough to do that in your home, he’ll be comfortable enough to take it when you tell him to bloody well tidy up after himself.

Also, hide your snacks. Grin

Tinkerbyebye · 08/05/2023 12:36

Just do lunch at the time agreed and if he doesn’t want to eat then tough. If there is anything left plate it and he can have it at 3, if nothing is left tough he starves

Emotionalstorm · 08/05/2023 12:37

PuppyMonkey · 08/05/2023 12:31

What snacks is he making for himself? Sounds a bit CF to me. If he’s comfortable enough to do that in your home, he’ll be comfortable enough to take it when you tell him to bloody well tidy up after himself.

Also, hide your snacks. Grin

I normally want me guests to be well fed and happy. The amount of pettiness in this thread is outstanding. If you're going to be so stingy don't invite guests over.

Dishwashersaurous · 08/05/2023 12:39

I wouldn't expect guests to help out.

but neither would i expect guests to.help themselves to food and drink.

why didn't you just, please don't use the food we are having lunch soon?

PuppyMonkey · 08/05/2023 12:39

@Emotionalstorm thank you! Grin

Sparklybanana · 08/05/2023 12:44

Wow - have none of you heard of the mental burden that women have? Having to juggle everything and still have to 'ask' the other 'partner' to carry out tasks. Why should she have to ask, especially her husband. They are both adult humans who should more than capable of thinking about and doing basic adult tasks without having being asked to by a woman?
Op - yanbu. Suggest you have friends over and eat when planned. Make sure you give them the left overs.

ILoveCakeLikeTheToriesLoveRippingTaxPayersOff · 08/05/2023 12:50

I would say "no problem, would you like a hand packing before you leave today?" And cut it short:

Emotionalstorm · 08/05/2023 12:54

This reminds me of the time my friend invited us over to her place to celebrate her birthday. She provided food but very late and one of the guests got hungry and ate a Ritz cracker from a box lying around in the living room and she is still resentful and brings it up when we meet.

Sparkletastic · 08/05/2023 12:56

Emotionalstorm · 08/05/2023 12:54

This reminds me of the time my friend invited us over to her place to celebrate her birthday. She provided food but very late and one of the guests got hungry and ate a Ritz cracker from a box lying around in the living room and she is still resentful and brings it up when we meet.

Why does it remind you of that? It doesn't sound the same at all.