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AIBU?

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Original poster

To expect guests to help out a bit?

67 replies

unicorncrumble · 08/05/2023 11:55

DH friend is staying with us for the BH weekend. We've not done anything fancy 1 bbq, picnic-y bits etc, but he's not lifted a finger. I've just lost it because we have other mutual friends coming for lunch (all planned in advance) he only got up half an hour ago, made himself breakfast and then said he wouldn't be hungry again for lunch until around 3. When I say I lost it, what I mean is that I reminded him that friends were coming over about midday to eat before that and now seething old I write this.
Seriously though. Not even a plate tidies away or a cup washed.

OP posts:
ApolloandDaphne · 08/05/2023 12:57

Don't get in a tizz about it. Just calmly get on with sorting lunch for your guests arriving. He can eat or not eat. You don't have to pander to him at all. If he gets hungry later you can point him in the direction of leftovers or sandwich stuff.

Daleksatemyshed · 08/05/2023 12:57

I don't expect guests to help but I would expect them to ask before helping themselves. The getting up really late and trying to tell you when he wants lunch would wind me up, you're not a hotel with a running buffet. Feed your other guests and I bet he'll change his mind and tell your DH not to invite him again

mondaytosunday · 08/05/2023 13:03

No i don't really expect guests to help out, frankly can't stand someone in the kitchen trying to be helpful but just getting in the way.
I DO expect them to fall in with the hosts routine. Presumably you discussed with him when you get up and the order of the day. Something like: we'll be up at 8/9 to have breakfast as XYZ are coming for lunch, which we will be having at 1.30.
Then I'd expect your houseguest to be up too, and one if one of you gets going with lunch while the other entertains him / does some prep and then everyone is ready for guests when they arrive.

Pinkydamage · 08/05/2023 13:06

Unless there were plans he was to be part of (and which he knew of/agreed to before he went to bed), I'd offer breakfast whenever he got up. He made his own and saved you (or DH) a job.

Did he know he was intended to be at lunch with your friends? Otherwise put a plate by and he can have it when he's ready. What he's probably saying is he doesn't fancy a social event with people he doesn't know. Staying as a guest is hard on the introvert as it is.

If I have guests I cater for and expect them to eat loads, they're very welcome and that's what hospitality is. Otherwise don't have guests.

If I want them to do things, is say "could you please" or "would you mind" or even "can I put you in charge of drinks". I've never had anyone say no, although plenty wouldn't assume to do chores in my house without being asked.

whiteroseredrose · 08/05/2023 13:08

Daleksatemyshed · 08/05/2023 12:57

I don't expect guests to help but I would expect them to ask before helping themselves. The getting up really late and trying to tell you when he wants lunch would wind me up, you're not a hotel with a running buffet. Feed your other guests and I bet he'll change his mind and tell your DH not to invite him again

This. Actually I would expect guests to offer to clear the table and I would decline. I definitely would be annoyed if they made a load of mess making toast mid morning in a clean kitchen then just left it.

As others have said, make lunch for your guests and leave the teenager to his own devices.

determinedtomakethiswork · 08/05/2023 13:09

Emotionalstorm · 08/05/2023 12:25

I never expect guests to help out. What do you want them to do, come and clean your house for you ?

Don't be ridiculous. If you go to someone else's house, you don't make a mess in their kitchen.

Pinkydamage · 08/05/2023 13:12

determinedtomakethiswork · 08/05/2023 13:09

Don't be ridiculous. If you go to someone else's house, you don't make a mess in their kitchen.

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Maybe not but you do expect to give them breakfast in which case you'd make (and clear up) the mess!

Emotionalstorm · 08/05/2023 13:14

determinedtomakethiswork · 08/05/2023 13:09

Don't be ridiculous. If you go to someone else's house, you don't make a mess in their kitchen.

Show quote history

My guests relax and I do everything for them. I am happy to do so and I would be happy for them to eat anything in my house. I wouldn't invite them over if I'm going to resent them for life over not doing my dishes or eating one of my biscuits.

Emotionalstorm · 08/05/2023 13:15

It matters to me more that there fed, comfortable and happy.

MidgeHardcastle · 08/05/2023 13:20

As usual no one reading updates. It's the CF's mess that op is mainly annoyed about. Instead of putting stuff away from where he got it he's leaving it out for a servant to clean up and tidy away.

Leave him to his own devices, just inform him of your timings and indicate kitchen is closed from x hour ie don't make a mess like a 4 year old.

Sceptre86 · 08/05/2023 13:20

Don't invite him again. If he doesn't want to eat with your other friends, fair enough he can sort himself out. I'd let it go if he's going home soon but if he staying for a few more days then a good humoured, 'oi clean up after yourself there's no maid here' wouldn't go amiss.

Original poster
unicorncrumble · 08/05/2023 13:21

Pinkydamage · 08/05/2023 13:06

Unless there were plans he was to be part of (and which he knew of/agreed to before he went to bed), I'd offer breakfast whenever he got up. He made his own and saved you (or DH) a job.

Did he know he was intended to be at lunch with your friends? Otherwise put a plate by and he can have it when he's ready. What he's probably saying is he doesn't fancy a social event with people he doesn't know. Staying as a guest is hard on the introvert as it is.

If I have guests I cater for and expect them to eat loads, they're very welcome and that's what hospitality is. Otherwise don't have guests.

If I want them to do things, is say "could you please" or "would you mind" or even "can I put you in charge of drinks". I've never had anyone say no, although plenty wouldn't assume to do chores in my house without being asked.

They're mutual friends and yes this was the plan.

OP posts:
JudgeRudy · 08/05/2023 13:21

unicorncrumble · 08/05/2023 11:55

DH friend is staying with us for the BH weekend. We've not done anything fancy 1 bbq, picnic-y bits etc, but he's not lifted a finger. I've just lost it because we have other mutual friends coming for lunch (all planned in advance) he only got up half an hour ago, made himself breakfast and then said he wouldn't be hungry again for lunch until around 3. When I say I lost it, what I mean is that I reminded him that friends were coming over about midday to eat before that and now seething old I write this.
Seriously though. Not even a plate tidies away or a cup washed.

I think as a single guest I wouldn't expect to 'help out' much over a weekend. I'd be tidy though, so take my empty plate/cups through to the kitchen.
Did he know you have other guests coming for dinner? I'd have expected your husband to have managed this, maybe by planning things so he left this morning....unless of course they're his mutual friends too.
As others have said casually delegate a task eg Oh Oblivious, could you just wipe the table/butter these rolls etc. but really with you and your husband working together I wouldn't have expected there was that much to do.

Mortimercat · 08/05/2023 13:47

unicorncrumble · 08/05/2023 12:10

It's the friend. DH and I have been splitting the work.

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You lost your rag at a guest for not helping out on a two night stay? Wow. You shouldn’t have guests if this is how you are going to treat them. Absolutely shocking behaviour, I would walk out and never speak to you again.

Andylion · 08/05/2023 13:54

Pinkydamage · 08/05/2023 12:21

I think it's very difficult being a guest. My mum doesn't want anyone touching anything in her kitchen or in fact lifting a finger if theyre her guest, my sister wants everyone to muck in as if they live there, I like a bit of help but still want it to be my house.

Depending on the guest's personality, they might be worried about interfering or not doing enough. So you have to tell them what you want.

You have to tell them what you want? Or maybe guests should ask if there is anything they can do to help.

Ivebeenframed · 08/05/2023 13:56

I wouldn't expect a guest to help but would definitely expect them to put stuff away after making themselves something to eat.

ThinWomansBrain · 08/05/2023 14:02

If I'm staying with friends where I feel comfortable enough to make myself breakfast or a snack, wouldn't dream of not clearing away after myself - probably a bit late in the weekend, but the first time it happened you should have said 'fine to help yourself to breakfast, but can you clear away when you've done'

ThinWomansBrain · 08/05/2023 14:07

& if someone started making breakfast at 11.30, if it wasn't totally obvious (you or DH in the middle od preparing said lunch) I'd have said don't forget lunch is at midday'

Riverlee · 08/05/2023 14:13

I wouldn’t expect him to help out although it would be nice if he offered.

If he needed to make himself a snack, I would expect him to clear and tidy up, and not leave a mess. Did you do the ‘help yourself to anything you need? Or did he just help himself?

LSSG · 08/05/2023 14:16

Emotionalstorm · 08/05/2023 12:25

I never expect guests to help out. What do you want them to do, come and clean your house for you ?

Same.

MsCactus · 08/05/2023 14:17

Isn't the whole point that you "host" guests so they don't do anything? I don't think it's fair to ask guests to help and do housework tbh. The deal is that they "host" you if/when you then come to theirs

Pinkydamage · 08/05/2023 14:19

Andylion · 08/05/2023 13:54

You have to tell them what you want? Or maybe guests should ask if there is anything they can do to help.

Show quote history

They could, or the host could host.

AutumnCrow · 08/05/2023 14:19

I'd expect him to put food like cheese and milk back in the fridge, bread bin, shelf etc, not just leave it out on the side (for example) and walk off afterwards.

theGooHasGone · 08/05/2023 14:19

As a guest I wouldn't expect to have to have to wash up all of my own cups, plates etc, but I always ask the host "what would you like me to do with this plate?", "where does your recycling go?" etc. 9/10 times they'll just whisk it out of my hands and do what they want with it.

I wouldn't be rude enough to go and make myself food in someone else's kitchen when nobody else is eating, though. If you want food, you damn well make sure that you're near the kitchen when food is being made.

Pinkdelight3 · 08/05/2023 14:34

I don't see the big deal. He doesn't have to eat the lunch to hang with the friends and enjoy each other's company. The friends who're coming for lunch can eat it and he can have a bit later if he fancies. Apart from not putting his plate in the dishwasher, I don't really see what he needed to lift a finger to do. He's stayed out of the way by sleeping in and then got his own breakfast. Over the course of hosting one weekend, I wouldn't expect him to do any tasks.