To expect guests to help out a bit?

[unicorncrumble]

DH friend is staying with us for the BH weekend. We've not done anything fancy 1 bbq, picnic-y bits etc, but he's not lifted a finger. I've just lost it because we have other mutual friends coming for lunch (all planned in advance) he only got up half an hour ago, made himself breakfast and then said he wouldn't be hungry again for lunch until around 3. When I say I lost it, what I mean is that I reminded him that friends were coming over about midday to eat before that and now seething old I write this.
Seriously though. Not even a plate tidies away or a cup washed.

I wouldn't be rude enough to go and make myself food in someone else's kitchen when nobody else is eating, though. If you want food, you damn well make sure that you're near the kitchen when food is being made.

This has never been the case with any friends or family I've ever stayed with. People are very much help yourself, treat it like your home, don't stand on ceremony etc. If it's a bbq/picnic-vibe, it's hardly regimented formal dining times.

Surely the best response is "you won't be hungry until 3? As we mentioned before, X and Y are coming for the bbq at midday so we will be eating then. You're welcome to set yourself something aside from that to eat later, or see if there are any leftovers, (hahah! - you may want to add this silently).There will be sandwiches/fridge leftovers for the evening meal"

Frankly, if your houseguests are allowed to behave so badly according to these posts then I'm surprised anyone has people to stay. I know manners are an outdated concept but anyone who stayed at my house and behaved so badly wouldn't be invited again.

I should have been clearer in what I meant by "help out" - I'm not expecting him to pitch in with laundry, general child mess, cooking meals etc... it's more tidying up eg not leaving 3 mugs in bedroom. Or even offering to help clear the table.

I don’t expect short stay guests to help out and can’t imagine loosing it at someone like this, after such a short period.

He's not coming again. I just thought that helping out was a thing people do and general hood manners. Like, I'm not expecting you to launder your sheets before you leave but asking "would it be helpful to strip the bed" would be.

@unicorncrumble you're not being unreasonable, you look after your guests and they behave well, that's how it works. A decently behaved guest doesn't turn up and take over the household. I'm glad to hear he won't be coming back

I wouldn’t expect guests to strip the bed.

I feel the same as you, but your comment reminded me of my first (and last) visit to a friend.

Long story short (and to prevent being too outing because I've talked about this and my entire weekend stay at length with many people), I arrive to visit a friend (who'd begged me to come and visit her in her new place) to find she's not done any cleaning. Not even a clean glass to offer a drink in.

When she and husband finally get cleaning the next day I offer with 'anything I can help with?' Fully expecting to be told 'of course not, we should have done this before you got here, sit and relax'. I was told 'can you clean the kitchen'

As I said. First and last.

I have a friend who was annoyed when I helped myself to my own crisps that I brought because she invited me for a meal and it was about an hour out when I arrived, hungry.

Oh and went to stay with another friend whose kitchen was an absolute state. Dirty dishes piled everywhere, sink full, dishwasher overflowing. So when I finished any drinks I added them to the pile. Friend then complained to me that the last guest she'd had didn't put their cups away after using.

Put them where?? Some people really shouldn't be asking people to stay, I'm not cleaning your kitchen for you to clear space just so you have the satisfaction of seeing me put away a mug.

On the flip side, I clean properly before I have a guest come to stay, bedding and towels are fresh, and they don't lift a finger. I expect at least a half effort in return.

I hate guests helping out unless they ask what they can do and then I give them jobs I don't mind them doing. I don't like being a guest because I need to know what is happening when and what is expected of me. I really don't want any guests of mine helping themselves to food - I shop and plan for the meals we are going to have and there is always plenty, frequently offered.
Your guest would drive me absolutely batty - in your case I would have told him (as I do with most guests) that I need to have breakfast cleared away by 10:00 and that lunch is at (say) 1.00. I check breakfast preferences in advance and put out everything they need to make their own breakfast, while letting them know what is NOT on offer. That is, I don't do cooked breakfasts and I don't want other people cooking in my kitchen, but I do provide a wide selection of things to choose from.
I am NOT mean. There is always loads of food and I buy extra things if there are special needs or requests. For instance I had a vegan guest last weekend and bought vegan milk and butter substitute, plus making specific vegan dishes for him. I just need to have order in my life. I think you needed to have told your guest when they arrived what to expect, and what was expected of them. Or got your DH to do it. As a guest I would offer to help, but I wouldn't just do it. I would put my cup next to the sink, for instance, but I wouldn't wash it up or put it in the dishwasher, because I hate other people washing up and putting things in my dishwasher, because they always do it wrong. My weekend guest took his coffee mug into the kitchen and swilled it out after using it, putting it on the drainer. It was never properly washed and left dirty drips on the drainer. I know I'm fussy but that really gave me the heebie-jeebies!

Oh you've put me in mind of an old friend who was the opposite - withheld food and wasn't a great host at all. Nice person, obviously, being my friend, but I stayed with her all weekend and she made me a sandwich. Over 2 days. And yes - I hinted, outright asked and then said I would go make some food for both of us - knocked back every time. I remember a friend of hers nearby had a get together and we went to that, and I was devouring the party snacks. I felt awful and did hold back as best I could, but I was so damn hungry and didn't know if she'd make a meal at any point (she didn't). 😂 We went into town on my last day there and I insisted on buying myself a pub lunch and stocked up on snacks for later on so I was at least eating something. I was around 20 at the time and my mum was horrified when I got home and told her.

I think in your case OP, he sounds like a bit of nightmare guest, if you've asked him to help and he refuses. Sounds lazy as well.

In my culture guests wouldn't be expected to help unless staying for a week or longer. I wouldn't be able to guess the line really, so agree it's always good just to be clear and ask for help.

He's rude. If he's at home enough to be helping himself to snacks, he's able to clear up after himself.

What happened at lunch time? Did he eat?

The chances are huge you or your dh started the visit with that old chestnut ‘if you’re hungry grab something to eat’ or some such thing we all say at the start of the visit. The problem is not everyone means it/ sometimes people make themselves a bit too much at home. Personally I think you’re overly irritated, but that’s probably as much of a personality clash. We once helped clean up after staying at a friend’s house and everything we did to help she’d grab off us with a ‘you weren’t going to put that there were you?’ until dh was giving me looks and afterwards asking did I really feel we could last another day? The last day I knocked a bit of toast on the ground and she acted like we’d set her house on fire (Jesus, oh god, leave it, leave it, I’ll get it!) as she got out dustpan, hoover, spray, kitchen roll and mop. It was a relief to get home!!

Tell him it's not a hotel and he missed lunch.

Don't make dinner. Ask him what time he booked the restaurant for?
The one where he's treating you to dinner.