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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just fed up of being told 'you're quiet/shy'

62 replies

Breakfastbaguette · 08/05/2023 10:30

I'm at work, I don't usually work this shift but picked up extra. We're rushed off our feet and I am working with 2 ladies I barely know. If we're all sitting together I'll make some small talk etc.
However atm I'm running around and busy, I just want to get my work done.
I did say to them hi how are you, and smiled.
I just went In the office to get something and one went 'you're quiet and shy aren't you' the other went ' yeah, you are?'

I just said 'Oh am I? I didn't think I was '
They went ' yeah, you are'
I said, 'I just get on with my work really. I don't really know what else to say.'

One went 'there's nothing bad with it'. I said 'right ok' and walked off.

Obviously you do think it's odd/peculiar as why have to point it out? We're all different, I just want to do my work, I've got 35 sets of medication to hand out. I'll never be rude to anyone, but I'm at work.

Of course this isn't the first time I've had this but I'm just sick of it. It's the first time I've tried to stand up for myself. I'm just fed up with it. I get it's an extroverts' world and I can't suddenly transform into a very outgoing loud person.
I've accepted I don't have many friends and that's fine. Just leave me alone because every time you point it out, especially in front of others I just feel like shit, like I do now.

OP posts:
Plumbear2 · 08/05/2023 10:37

It used to bother me. I'm 50 now and it dosent bother me anymore. If the don't like it it's tough. I am the way I am and will not change for anybody.

Original poster
Breakfastbaguette · 08/05/2023 10:49

It's the fact that they think they're owed some sort of explanation.

OP posts:
Original poster
Breakfastbaguette · 08/05/2023 10:49

Sounds pathetic but I've just been hiding in a resident's toilet in tears. I need to grow a thicker skin.

OP posts:
Sarah2891 · 08/05/2023 10:53

YANBU. It's really annoying, I always had people say the same. You just have to ignore it and move on with what you're doing.

HRTQueen · 08/05/2023 10:54

It can be very annoying also I found many people seemed to assume that I was a push over, lacked confidence etc i an one of the most independent people I know. Confidence isn’t all about being socially confident

I’m just shy. Like the pp I too am now 50 and it doesn’t get mentioned much now and being introvert is what many people are claiming to be

just ignore them it bothers some people that you are hapoy to get along with things and not wanting to join their little group or not sharing or showing interest in them but that’s their problem

Eightiesgirl · 08/05/2023 10:55

On behalf of whoever you are handing out medication to, can I thank you. You obviously have an important job and it's only right that you are concentrating on what you are being paid to do. Those two should shut up and get on with their jobs instead of analysing other people's characters!

LizzieSiddal · 08/05/2023 10:58

Oh don’t worry about what they do think.Flowers I’m in my 50s, have had that sort of very rude comment all my life.

It doesn’t bother me anymore as I see people who say that sort of thing as lazy and gossipy and not worth my time. They really should be getting on with their work rather than analysing their work mates.

LizzieSiddal · 08/05/2023 11:01

To me these people are like the “mean girls” at school who just liked being bitchy. They’ve never grown up, so they aren’t worth your time!

And as a pp said, Thank you for doing your job with so much care and professionalism. Flowers

Original poster
Breakfastbaguette · 08/05/2023 11:02

I'm in my 30s and being picked on. I work with a woman whose first language isn't English, she is very quiet but so what, I'd never dream of embarrassing her for it.
Thanks for the kind comments
They should just get on with their work rather than commenting on people.

OP posts:
shivawn · 08/05/2023 11:03

They're rude, keep being yourself OP.

piper678 · 08/05/2023 11:06

Yanbu because it does come across as rude and patronising when people say that. Some (not all) people who say it just want to engage with you more and don't seem to realise they are actually causing the opposite effect. But the best thing to do is just own it because there's nothing wrong with being that way

Original poster
Breakfastbaguette · 08/05/2023 11:24

Yes maybe it's that. But it's always putting the quiet person on the spot, they always have to say it in front of others and it's like they cannot understand there are different personality types. If you're not extroverted/very talkative/very outgoing then you're some sort of outcast with a problem. I've actually been suicidal over it.

OP posts:
CantFindTheBeat · 08/05/2023 11:28

There was a post about this a few days ago.

Who are all these people commenting on other people's personalities and comfort zones??? Tell them to naff off!

Although in that post, the OP went off onto a 'it's an extroverts world' too... and sounded full of resentment and blame.

Don't resent others. Get comfortable with your own self.

CantFindTheBeat · 08/05/2023 11:29

Breakfastbaguette · 08/05/2023 11:24

Yes maybe it's that. But it's always putting the quiet person on the spot, they always have to say it in front of others and it's like they cannot understand there are different personality types. If you're not extroverted/very talkative/very outgoing then you're some sort of outcast with a problem. I've actually been suicidal over it.

This sounds very worrying and that you need some support, OP.

Are you speaking to someone in real life?

TheKobayashiMaru · 08/05/2023 11:37

Silence can mean to some people that something is wrong. Like giving someone the silent treatment. As these women did know you, they may have just been checking you are quiet and not upset with them.

Original poster
Breakfastbaguette · 08/05/2023 11:40

Maybe . I've worked with them a couple of times and I have made some conversation before.
It's just the way it was said. They didn't say 'you seem quiet today, are you ok?' that would be a difference

OP posts:
piper678 · 08/05/2023 11:46

It sounds like you're uncomfortable/embarrassed about being seen as shy which you should perhaps work through? I used to feel that way but have now accepted the way I am and truly don't feel embarrassed or insulted if someone says I am quiet, because I am quiet! I know there are people who understand and appreciate me and that's all that matters

honeylulu · 08/05/2023 11:53

I get this too. I am quiet and introverted, fine. But people ignorantly assume I'm also shy/unconfident/unassertive, none of which are true. Many have been quite shocked to find out what I've achieved in my life. Someone acted shocked recently when they found out what I did for a living and said "oh if I'd had to guess I would have said you were just a mum". 🙄

It's as if when you are a quiet person people underestimate you and it really grates. As if being an obnoxious loudmouth is morally and socially superior.

Some of the other assumptions people make are just weird. I've had people act shocked to find out I like rock/metal music because apparently quiet people only like classical music. WTF? And shocked that I didn't take my husband's surname on marriage because quiet women surely always defer to their husband don't you know?

Laurama91 · 08/05/2023 11:56

I also get this. When I'm new to a situation I like to figure people put before I put myself forward. I get told I never used to swear.... I did, just not around them when I was new. I didnt want to offend them. Now I know them im fine with it

WateryDoom · 08/05/2023 11:58

You need to change your response, OP. Your mistake was in politely saying 'Oh am I?' when told you were quiet and shy.

I'd have laughed cheerfully and said 'Nope. I'm not in the slightest bit shy, I'm afraid. You are wrong. I'm just busy with a lot of medication to hand out'.

That's the way to tackle it next time. Put them on the back foot.

Eightiesgirl · 08/05/2023 11:58

There's nothing wrong with you, please don't let them make you feel suicidal. You hold down a job, a job that involves administering meds and being responsible for other people's well being, that takes some self confidence. Look on yourself as being quietly confident. Those two have no social skills if they think they have the right to pick apart your character. You sound lovely, the way you said you wouldn't dream of making personal comments to the other non English speaking lady you work with, that is how decent people behave. Those two are the ones lacking social skills, not you x

BeginningToLookALotLike · 08/05/2023 12:06

It sounds like you were running around and busy and they didn't like it because they prefer to sit in the office having a good old chat!

I've had comments like this at work in the past, and I've come to the conclusion that it isn't about me being 'quiet and shy'. There is usually something else going on as regards work dynamics. Are you happy in your job? It sounds like you are a great worker and they are lucky to have you.

Original poster
Breakfastbaguette · 08/05/2023 12:07

Oh tell me about it. I've had the 'I can't imagine you listening to x music. Soo many times

OP posts:
ItsCalledAConversation · 08/05/2023 12:11

Breakfastbaguette · 08/05/2023 10:49

It's the fact that they think they're owed some sort of explanation.

Actually think you’ve hit the nail on the head with this.

Yes, people want to know why you’re not showing an interest in the them, being typically sociable or outgoing. They will wonder what it is that they’ve done wrong, why you’re being “unfriendly”.

Basically I think asking you if you’re shy is their way of giving you an opportunity to reply with “no, I’m not shy I just can’t be arsed to be nice to you, I don’t think you’re worth the effort/I consider myself above you” which is how shyness in adults can come off.

Original poster
Breakfastbaguette · 08/05/2023 12:12

Thanks so much for your support.

OP posts:
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