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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dsis DD - what's wrong and what can I do?

68 replies

Allwelcone · 08/05/2023 09:43

This maybe not an aibu but unsure where it belongs.

My goddaughter is 12 and has some severe issues imo. She can not talk to any adult at all and barely to other kids. She behaves so very shyly, no matter how gentle anyone is or how much they back off.

She does eye contact but moves awkwardly as if she is ill at ease in her own body.
She's better with other kids but still monosyllabic. She has no friends at school.
Her mum is not very assertive, and just says dc is getting a 1-1 at school every other week. I tried asking my gd what she did at her dads last time she was collected and she just said "nothing".

She goes to see her father eow and comes back sulky and tired. He's bad news. I
I'm worried about 2 things: approaching it with dgd mum as she has shut down defensively in the past. And also what it could be, it's heart breaking, are there any books I cd send the mum? Any advice at all? Tia.

OP posts:
UnbeIievabIe · 08/05/2023 09:46

I'm not sure there's anything you can do, I dont think it's your place.

Fireyflies · 08/05/2023 09:49

Your niece? Or your goddaughter? (Thread title implies niece) Asking because what you can do does very much hinge on your relationship with her mum. If she's defensive and closed to ideas then you can't do much. Best way forward is probably to look for ways to discuss DGD without seeming to criticise her. Do you know other kids who are bit similar you could talk about and what's helped them? Out of school activities or (in a few years) a part time job can help loads for very shy kids. But that's unlikely to be something you can do much about until you can improve your relationship with the mum to the point that she's not feeling defensive with you.

Whatabouteverything · 08/05/2023 09:50

Are you worried about abuse OP? Or something like autism etc where she is basically non verbal and it's not being addressed?

Drywhitefruitycidergin · 08/05/2023 09:53

Can you embrace you Auntie/Goddaughter role & do things with her directly? Build a trusting relationship & check she's ok that way?

NeedCoffeeNowPlease · 08/05/2023 09:55

Sounds like possibly selective mutism?

Original poster
Allwelcone · 08/05/2023 09:55

Hi - she's both dgd and dn, was trying and failing to not be too identifying! @Whatabouteverything I am worried about those things. Mainly about her beong incredibly unhappy right now.

I was wondering whether sending a well meaning book might be an option?

OP posts:
mynameiscalypso · 08/05/2023 09:56

Drywhitefruitycidergin · 08/05/2023 09:53

Can you embrace you Auntie/Goddaughter role & do things with her directly? Build a trusting relationship & check she's ok that way?

I was going to suggest this. No pressure on her, just hanging out with her. Shopping or cinema or whatever she might be into.

NeedCoffeeNowPlease · 08/05/2023 09:57

Allwelcone · 08/05/2023 09:55

Hi - she's both dgd and dn, was trying and failing to not be too identifying! @Whatabouteverything I am worried about those things. Mainly about her beong incredibly unhappy right now.

I was wondering whether sending a well meaning book might be an option?

What book are you thinking of sending?

CuriousMama · 08/05/2023 09:59

I agree with trying to build a relationship. Take her places.

Findyourneutralspace · 08/05/2023 10:00

I think time with GD is probably the most sensible plan. Having a kind aunt in your corner is never a bad thing, and you may find she opens up to you.

Original poster
Allwelcone · 08/05/2023 10:02

@Drywhitefruitycidergin maybe with her mothers permission I could but I'm not sure she would talk to me.

She's very hard to build a relationship with, we saw eachother virtually in lockdown quite often but she lives vv far away...since then it's only been 4 times a year.

OP posts:
Whatabouteverything · 08/05/2023 10:04

A book won't help at all.

I agree with the above - spend time with her
How far away is she?

Tempone · 08/05/2023 10:05

How do you know so much if you have o ny seen her 4 times per year?

If you are genuinely concerned spending more time to get to know her seems sensible.

Original poster
Allwelcone · 08/05/2023 10:06

@NeedCoffeeNowPlease I was going to ask for suggestions. This wd be a book about anxiety perhaps, so send to her mum

OP posts:
Tempone · 08/05/2023 10:06

Sending books is massively over stepping IMO.

Whatabouteverything · 08/05/2023 10:07

Allwelcone · 08/05/2023 10:06

@NeedCoffeeNowPlease I was going to ask for suggestions. This wd be a book about anxiety perhaps, so send to her mum

But you don't know she has anxiety? It won't help and could in fact cause offence.

Original poster
Allwelcone · 08/05/2023 10:11

We don't live near each other sadly. I "know so much about her" (!)- I don't really of couse, just see an unhappy kid- as when we do see eachother it's for a few days at a time and I have talked about it with other concerned family members.

OP posts:
NeedCoffeeNowPlease · 08/05/2023 10:11

Allwelcone · 08/05/2023 10:06

@NeedCoffeeNowPlease I was going to ask for suggestions. This wd be a book about anxiety perhaps, so send to her mum

Honestly, I think you shouldn't do this. It sounds like your niece may have selective mutism. That is rooted in anxiety but it's got to be handled carefully. You see her four times a year and she may not be sharing everything she knows with you. Maybe niece doesn't want her to and she's respecting her privacy? If she does have selective mutism, with or without autism, any pressure to speak might only make things worse. If she doesn't speak, the school must be doing something? They wouldn't just ignore it. Some of these things you have to tread carefully with. If you're close enough you can ask her mother with saying you've noticed she doesn't talk a lot, is she okay? Maybe then her mother will share and you can support. If you want to go out with niece and niece is good with that, don't pressure her to speak too much if this causes her anxiety. Be a safe person. You don't know what is actually going on, so be careful what you try to do.

MajesticWhine · 08/05/2023 10:12

It is hard to say what book would be appropriate as it depends on the causes of the girl's unhappiness and behaviour. It might seem insensitive to send the wrong thing.
I think the best thing you can do is to keep talking to and supporting your sister. If you have a chance for a visit then you can do more. Building a relationship with your god daughter through interests that she has would be very helpful.

Original poster
Allwelcone · 08/05/2023 10:12

@Whatabouteverything OK so no book, was wondering maybe a book on shyness...or a general one?
Or just would cause offence too?

OP posts:
SallyWD · 08/05/2023 10:12

Some children are like this. Have you heard of selective mutism? My son was diagnosed with this at 3 years of age and behaved exactly as you describe your goddaughter. If adults or other kids try to talk to him, he used to be completely mute. He's now 10 and has only recently made a few friends he talks to normally and freely. However, he's still extremely shy. Usually when family friends speak to him he'll give one word answers and look very uncomfortable. If he sees other children who aren't his close friends, he's the same. If I was you I'd read up on selective mutism and see if it rings any bells.
I'd just like to say my son is very much loved and has received extra help at school but it's a very slow process. There's nothing you can do about it. Getting frustrated with the child or pressurising them to talk only makes things worse. It sets them back.
Maybe it's not this at all with your goddaughter but the way you described her reminded me of my son.

NeedCoffeeNowPlease · 08/05/2023 10:12

Allwelcone · 08/05/2023 10:11

We don't live near each other sadly. I "know so much about her" (!)- I don't really of couse, just see an unhappy kid- as when we do see eachother it's for a few days at a time and I have talked about it with other concerned family members.

So the family is talking about it? I feel sorry for your niece's mother. Does niece go to school? Has anyone directly asked the mother what is going on? Give her the chance to inform you so you can educate yourself, otherwise you may find she cuts contact.

Tempone · 08/05/2023 10:13

No books op. You don't have any information, time together and offer mum support if she needs it.

Original poster
Allwelcone · 08/05/2023 10:13

@MajesticWhine yes thank you, that's the best I can do. I can try and form a relationship with them apart from the wider family maybe.

OP posts:
NeedCoffeeNowPlease · 08/05/2023 10:13

Allwelcone · 08/05/2023 10:12

@Whatabouteverything OK so no book, was wondering maybe a book on shyness...or a general one?
Or just would cause offence too?

So if she has selective mutism a book on shyness won't help, because that's not the problem. Might make her more self-conscious too.