Dsis DD - what's wrong and what can I do?

[Allwelcone]

This maybe not an aibu but unsure where it belongs.

My goddaughter is 12 and has some severe issues imo. She can not talk to any adult at all and barely to other kids. She behaves so very shyly, no matter how gentle anyone is or how much they back off.

She does eye contact but moves awkwardly as if she is ill at ease in her own body.
She's better with other kids but still monosyllabic. She has no friends at school.
Her mum is not very assertive, and just says dc is getting a 1-1 at school every other week. I tried asking my gd what she did at her dads last time she was collected and she just said "nothing".

She goes to see her father eow and comes back sulky and tired. He's bad news. I
I'm worried about 2 things: approaching it with dgd mum as she has shut down defensively in the past. And also what it could be, it's heart breaking, are there any books I cd send the mum? Any advice at all? Tia.

If you rarely see her, have no real part in her life its impossible for you to help without causing offence, you barely know the child or what she does day to day.

If you are concerned about abuse and have concrete reasons then you can contact the school or NSPCC.

If you think it's autism then it runs in families and it's not unusual for parents not to notice as they are often autistic themselves. Some people with autism find it alot easier to communicate virtually as they don't have to rely on social cues and body language as much so that might be an option.

If you think it is situational mutism then there's not much to be done, by you anyway.

The best thing you can do is be a listening ear for both mum and daughter when they need you and keep the lines of connunication open. Listen and don't advise or try to solve the problem.

@NeedCoffeeNowPlease yes I have very very gently brought it up with the mum. Yes we are all concerned.

Don’t try to fix or diagnose her - that will be counterproductive.

Don’t be judgmental of your sisters ‘defensiveness’ - try to understand that she is trying to process and cope with her daughter’s issues and this is deeply painful for her as a mother to come to terms with. If she is having one at school then she is ‘on it’ - that’s all you need to know.

Respect her privacy and her boundaries.

If you want to add value to both their lives build a gentle open compassionate relationship - don’t ask Qs or nudge her to change behaviours - they have a whole world doing this already.

Start with acceptance, listening, kindness and fun.

What book would you send?
What professional skills or expertise do you have in MH, ND, SEN etc? I suspect none - and even if you did you would know your approach was wrong (if well intended).

Build a relationship based on acceptance and trust - not fixing or judgement.

And how did the Mum respond?

Is the family doing anything supportive or just interfering and gossiping?

a colouring book
or a simple sewing kit?
something for herself like that

@Singleandproud yes I guess. She seems v unhappy, and not receiving (much) help. Everyone else is backing off, watch-and-wait. I'd kick myself if it turned out to be sa or undiagnosed depression, autism etc.
But not much I can do by the sounds of things other than be supportive from a distance sadly.

These are good suggestions.

On what basis do you think she is unhappy when you see her maybe four times a year? No-one seems to have much confidence in the mother. I feel for her.

@Willmafrockfit that's a nice idea. I'd need to make sure it's for a reason e.g new home, ell done for finishing sats or whatever. otherwise it might seem undermining.

Sending "a book" would be awful, OP. For a start, you have no idea wtf, if anything, is actually wrong, and it would come across as though you think you have a better idea of the issues than her mother, when you only see her a few times a year.

If anyone is going to do anything to help the child, it needs to be her parents. The most I would do is discuss, in the most roundabout and gentle terms, what help she is getting.

From your OP, it could be as simple as a child being chronically shy and awkward, especially if you only see her 4 times a year. She won't have had a chance to get to know you.

And bear in mind that there could be a lot more going on, that your sister may have chosen not to disclose to you.

See more of them, and see if your niece starts to relax a bit more around you. And maybe ask your DSis if she thinks her DD is getting all the extra help she needs at school.

Those sorts of gifts won't be undermining. Nothing wrong with sending a craft kit or general book just because you were thinking about her, or saw it and thought she would like it. Just make sure it doesn't have any agenda attached.

@NeedCoffeeNowPlease she comes accross at the moment as unhappy. If you don't beleive me then fine. Signs include never smiling, never laughing, staring in to space, moving uneasily...

But yes the mother is perhaps not very assertive and has had problems with addiction in the distant past. She also shuts off easily, which is why I have stayed out of it.
However there is a child involved, I am concerned and so i am asking for advice.

I think most of us mothers with kids with SEN are used to people who think they know better than us or judge the reasons for our children's behaviour, so we're feeling a bit protective of niece's mother.

You really can't know much if you only see her four times a year. Maybe she is autistic or something else is going on that explains the behaviour. If you can't directly ask the mother and think her past substance use is an issue again, contact the school with your concerns and leave it to those who have more involvement and knowledge. I'm not saying do nothing if you feel you have cause for concern, of course then you should, just that you seem to be making a lot of assumptions that might be incorrect or make things worse, if you push things.

Sounds like your DN has experienced compounding emotional traumas due to her mother being an addict, family breakdown and a difficult DF - which has understandably stunted her emotional development leaving her dissociated, disoriented and disconnected from others - as she doesn’t trust relationships.

She is very vulnerable and ‘fixing’ this involves v slowly building trusting relationships at her own pace.

If your DSis is now clean - I suspect she is wrestling with her own regrets, guilt and demons. They both need loving gentle support as they are both fragile - just be there for them - don’t ask Qs or have agenda - consider them both as wounded and raw.

How much of a change has there been in her behaviour since she was younger? You are a key adult here if you’ve known her all her life. That’s relevant - even if you don’t see her often, you see her for days at a time when you do. A big change in behaviour would add weight to the worries about her dad or the split. How long ago did her parents split.

But as you and others say, you do have to be sensitive about approaching this.

How are the wider family towards your DSis? If there’s any hint of scapegoating there, or watching her struggle and talking about it among themselves but not supporting - it would completely explain why she closes down and is defensive. Were they supportive to her during break up? In early parenthood?

You have no idea what's going on behind the scenes. Like with any medical issue, her parents could be doing something or being given advice or supported by professionals. They do not have to tell you anything and nor should you expect it. Just because you think they're not getting help, doesn't mean they aren't.

I know many SEN parents who do not divulge to others whats happening behind the scenes. Many get unwanted comments and un-requested advice. It just makes hard situations much harder. I can see how much it hurts when a relative tells them they should do xyz when behind the scenes they're doing 100x more but wanting to protect their children's medical privacy. Even a well meaning sent book can be hurtful.

Unless you think there's some sort of abuse going on, I'd say and do nothing. Just be there if they want to talk in the future.

Are your concerns about the welfare of the child? if so, then I think you have a responsibility to raise these formally. Poor care as a child can lead to issues that last a lifetime. My older children are teens and I have noticed that lots of children who were very shy when they were little have become even more shy and anxious as they have become teenagers. I know so many anxious children who will not leave the house or will not talk to anyone at school. The teen years are tough and teens feel things so deeply. Can you try to spend more time with your godchild doing some activities that they enjoy? Maybe you could get more of a feel for what is going on with them.

@Katherine1985 perceptive. Yes the wider family are very...vibey towards her. She has had her confudence undermined throughout her life. Sure, she has made mistakes but i do beleive everyone has a right to do so. She is in a better place now.

@AbbaG12 yes I can hope and trust my sis has got it and is on it. That's all I can do. Its awful to think sa may be happening, the dad is not a nice person and I think they share a bedroom when she's there, but I can't go there it would be too explosive.

@Muppetshair thank you, food for thought there.

@Katherine1985 sorry only replied to part of Yr post. Yes there has been a big change in her personality which partly is why it's so concerning. Cd it be puberty, I don't know...
Parents split up ages ago. there was another parnter who dn really got on well with, but it didn't work out. On reflection that's probably significant.

she probably misses the other partner
can she stay with you for a weekend?
or can you take her out
no prying

Yup. Your replies have made me see I'm a fixer. Need to back off. Will see about being a more useful auntie and sis.

work on building your relationship op

@Willmafrockfit I will try. So hard when your miles away and a bit broke (no chance to meet half way and do something fun etc) but I will think creatively. Camping, small thoughful presents etc

Does she have a phone?

If so I'd start building a relationship and trust through texting.

Ask a few closed questions she can answer yes/ no too and then ask an open ended one to give her the opportunity to express herself.

She may be unhappy, she may be a selective mute (which actually means she can't talk in public rather than choosing not to) or she may just be quiet and shy.

If the school are providing support then her mum and them already know there's a problem.

Perhaps if you can and they think the therapy route would help you could offer to financially contribute? She'll need a professional to over some this completely.