Dsis DD - what's wrong and what can I do?

[Allwelcone]

This maybe not an aibu but unsure where it belongs.

My goddaughter is 12 and has some severe issues imo. She can not talk to any adult at all and barely to other kids. She behaves so very shyly, no matter how gentle anyone is or how much they back off.

She does eye contact but moves awkwardly as if she is ill at ease in her own body.
She's better with other kids but still monosyllabic. She has no friends at school.
Her mum is not very assertive, and just says dc is getting a 1-1 at school every other week. I tried asking my gd what she did at her dads last time she was collected and she just said "nothing".

She goes to see her father eow and comes back sulky and tired. He's bad news. I
I'm worried about 2 things: approaching it with dgd mum as she has shut down defensively in the past. And also what it could be, it's heart breaking, are there any books I cd send the mum? Any advice at all? Tia.

Selective or situational mutism and autism can go together but not always. It’s unusual for a school to provide a 1:1 without a care plan and diagnosis in place. Are you sure your sister isn’t much more aware of what is doing on than she is saying to you?

Selective mutism is the first thing that came to my mind. It can be caused by trauma or anxiety, OP.

autism was the first thing that came to my mind
if her mum hasnt been proactive then she will remain undiagnosed.
however hopefully she is getting help at school
she has her whole life ahead of her so keep up the good work with building a relationship and trust with her and her mum

@TheSnowyOwl and @JMSA I will google it thank you.
I won't approach my sis about it though.

googling it isnt going to help the situation op.

Selective mutism is not the same as traumatic mutism. It is not caused by trauma.

It used to be common for children to go off and spend a week or more with family over the long summer holidays before big package holidays were the norm. We live by the coast so even in the 90s my cousins would come and stay with us from London for a fortnight.

Maybe you could suggest this to your sister, both as a break for her and as a chance to build a better bond with Dneice. You don't have to do expensive things, take a picnic and go on woodland or countryside walks if you're in that type of area, beach trips, cinema visit any other touristy things in your location. If you do this don't pry but this might open up your relationship a bit.

What about writing to her? Letters are unusual now and interesting when they arrive. Also doesn’t put her under any verbal pressure.

@bewilderedhedgehog I think from personal experience, my dsis wd find that undermining but if I enclosed it with a colouring book and with dsis having got the heads up it might be really good, thank you.

@Singleandproud yes, I'll have a think about opportunities this summer

@Willmafrockfit I'm not sure her school is that great, but what do I know.

Doesn’t sound great about the dad but I understand why you don’t feel you can go there.

Could you build your relationship up with your sister first? If you gained her trust more contact with dn might follow naturally.

If you think ND is part of this then my autistic DD11 really relates to this series as it’s written through the eyes of a girl that age from her lived experience. It could ‘pass’ as just a story book she may enjoy..? https://www.amazon.co.uk/Can-You-See-Libby-Scott/dp/1407195670

Could you build your relationship up with your sister first? If you gained her trust more contact with dn might follow naturally.

I think this is key. Your DSis will be protective over her child, may feel lots of internal guilt and has already experienced judgement from family re her addiction and likely senses the blame for her DD issues.

Where did your DSis addiction issues come from - is she undiagnosed ND or did she suffer an unstable childhood?

Could you invite her to stay for a week in summer hols?

Thank you @Hankunamatata .and @Spring45Mermaid I'll bear it in mind if it seems line that's the problem. Links to @Muppetshair comment, there may well be undiagnosed ND issues amd yes sadly an unstable childhood. Its not been easy for her.

If she has a phone I’d try to establish a friendship via WhatsApp or similar. Just occasional‘I thought you might like this’ type stuff with links to something she’s interested in or appropriate memes. I’d keep it very light touch initially and if she’s responsive then maybe,’ how are you doing/ what have you been up to this weekend?’ Maybe an old photo of you and your sister as children.

She might struggle with words more than messages. But just tread very lightly.

She sounds just like my daughter.
My daughter is on the waiting list for an autism assessment,she has occupational therapy,speech therapy and support at school for social sculls and sensory needs.
Is her mum not getting her the help she needs or is she just not sharing personal information with you (my sister wouldn't know what help my daughter gets because quite frankly it's none of her business 🤷‍♀️)