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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think husband is unfair expecting me to get involved

61 replies

Inthemiddle235 · 08/05/2023 09:09

I have a best friend that I'm very close to. Our children are good friends. Her daughter can be difficult sometimes but she's a good kid at heart and is especially lovely with my youngest DC.

A while back all the children were together, my two DC, best friends DC and also my DSD (who is older than the others). DSD doesn't often see my friend or her DC.

Bestfriend wasn't actually there on this occasion, it was me, DH, the kids and bestfriends DH.

Long story short friends daughter and DSD ended up having a bit of a falling out and it got a bit physical (nothing major, no one was marked or injured). DH and bestfriends DH broke it up and there was a bit of tension because both were implying it was the other child's fault. It was so awkward and I refused to get involved in "taking sides" (aside from calming down the initial argument between the kids)

Cue us getting home and DH goes on a rant about best friends husband and her child and how badly behaved she is and how much she hurt DSD and he doesn't want her in the house again etc etc.. he is appalled that I'm not "sticking up for my stepdaughter" by speaking to my friend about what happened.

I just think they are kids ffs. They had a falling out, it's really not the end of the world. I think DSDs pride is bruised more than anything because she got told off for her involvement in it initially. I dont see what good it does to carry it on now and I do not want to message my friend about what happened and "stick up for DSD", I don't see the need and I know she'll feel awful because she's already struggling with aspects of her DDs behaviour and I know it will get her really down if I then start having a go too.

DSD was not injured it was just a little scrap between kids (and if anything she is the eldest by a number of years too!).

AIBU to not "stick up for DSD" by messaging friend and AIBU to tell DH he is being ridiculous over a child's argument and he needs to move on. I appreciate his daughter might not want to play with friends DD again and that's fine, I'd never make them but to say I can never have my friend and her child in my house again because of this seems ridiculous.

OP posts:
CantFindTheBeat · 08/05/2023 09:11

How old are the children, OP?

Original poster
Inthemiddle235 · 08/05/2023 09:13

My two are little 1.5 and 4. Friends DC are 5 & 8 (it's the 8 year old this happened with) and DSD is 12.

OP posts:
FeliciteFaff · 08/05/2023 09:13

You are right to stay out of it.

UnbeIievabIe · 08/05/2023 09:13

Hes being dramatic, you are handling it correctly.

Over40Overdating · 08/05/2023 09:15

Your husband is the one who should be embarrassed as his daughter - very nearly a teenager - is scrapping with 8 years olds and blaming them? Come on. There’s a huge difference between an 8 year old and a 12 year old.

Newusernameaug · 08/05/2023 09:16

He’s being defensive to try and shift away from the fact that his 12 yr engaged in an argument leading onto a physical fight with an 8 yr old!!!

that’s totally out of order and the 12 yr old should know better and be ashamed of themselves!

Original poster
Inthemiddle235 · 08/05/2023 09:17

Over40Overdating · 08/05/2023 09:15

Your husband is the one who should be embarrassed as his daughter - very nearly a teenager - is scrapping with 8 years olds and blaming them? Come on. There’s a huge difference between an 8 year old and a 12 year old.

I said this too.

I can absolutely believe that friends DD was winding DSD up but I'd expect her at 12 years old to remove herself from the situation or come and tell us, not to get so wound up that they end up physically scrapping with each other.

OP posts:
IhearyouClemFandango · 08/05/2023 09:18

I’d be pointing out that a 12 yr old should not be fighting with an 8 year old, and your friend’s family actually have far more reason to be pissed off in that respect. The 12 yr old bears more responsibility here by dint of her age.

12 is year 8, 8 is what…year 3 or 4?

FabFitFifties · 08/05/2023 09:23

12 is year 7, but yes there is still a huge difference. However, if the 8 year old attacked the 12 yearold, she couldn't just let her. Was the start of the fight witnessed? If 12 yearold had opportunity to remove herself before fisticuffs, I would expect that to happen. But was the opportunity there? Had she been warned about 8 year olds behaviours? Not fair on her if not.

Original poster
Inthemiddle235 · 08/05/2023 09:24

He's also refusing to speak to her husband ever again too because of it. Bestfriends husband was a bit pushy, wanting DSD to apologise etc.. and I do think he didn't want to admit that his daughter could have possibly done anything wrong but still tensions were a bit high, I don't think it needs to be something that's carried on forever, just seems so immature.

According to DSD, friends DD had been refusing to leave her alone and was throwing sticks at her or something for ages. Why she didn't just come and tell one of us though I don't know.

OP posts:
JMSA · 08/05/2023 09:26

YANBU and sound like a great friend Star

Original poster
Inthemiddle235 · 08/05/2023 09:27

FabFitFifties · 08/05/2023 09:23

12 is year 7, but yes there is still a huge difference. However, if the 8 year old attacked the 12 yearold, she couldn't just let her. Was the start of the fight witnessed? If 12 yearold had opportunity to remove herself before fisticuffs, I would expect that to happen. But was the opportunity there? Had she been warned about 8 year olds behaviours? Not fair on her if not.

It was actually me who witnessed it first and what I saw was DSD being really rough which is why she initially got shouted at. Then it came out that friends DD had started it apparently (but no one actually saw the start).

OP posts:
Original poster
Inthemiddle235 · 08/05/2023 09:28

And I'm never and have never suggested that friends DD wasn't the instigator or wasn't behaving poorly. But I just do not see the need to carry it on. Two kids fell out, it's hardly world stopping news and I really see no need to keep it going or make her mum feel like shit over it.

OP posts:
Cloud9Super · 08/05/2023 09:30

The older child sounds devious and should have known better. Your DH sounds like he can’t accept she’s caused the problem. So what will you do? Friend or DH? Either way, this will have ramifications for a long time to come.

takealettermsjones · 08/05/2023 09:31

When you say being really rough, what does that mean? Did she "roughly" take the sticks the other girl was throwing? Did she thump her in the face? The actual events matter imo.

Original poster
Inthemiddle235 · 08/05/2023 09:33

Cloud9Super · 08/05/2023 09:30

The older child sounds devious and should have known better. Your DH sounds like he can’t accept she’s caused the problem. So what will you do? Friend or DH? Either way, this will have ramifications for a long time to come.

I don't see why it needs to be DH or friend. My friend has never even mentioned it (happened over a week ago) she is just being normal and I suspect like me jus thinks 'ah well kids fell out 🤷‍♀️'.

I do refuse to never have her over again, I don't feel the need to support DH when I don't agree with him simply because he's my husband.

OP posts:
Original poster
Inthemiddle235 · 08/05/2023 09:34

takealettermsjones · 08/05/2023 09:31

When you say being really rough, what does that mean? Did she "roughly" take the sticks the other girl was throwing? Did she thump her in the face? The actual events matter imo.

I saw DSD pull her hair, very hard. It shocked me actually. According to DSD though, she was doing it back because friends DD had done it first. But I don't know because I only saw DSD do it.

OP posts:
Over40Overdating · 08/05/2023 09:35

You’re handling this so well! You’re being fair and reasonable and a good friend.

Your DH sounds like he is embarrassed his child has been caught looking like a bully and wants to blame everyone else!

Circumferences · 08/05/2023 09:39

At 12 I'd have hated playing with 8 and 4 year olds and toddlers I'd have been chatting to the adults or watching telly/reading on my own or something.
Just saying that because it sounds to me like DSD is immature for her age - unless of course she was specifically asked to stay with the younger ones to keep them safe, in that case I'd have been slightly resentful but done it anyway.

Original poster
Inthemiddle235 · 08/05/2023 09:39

I should add that I do not think DSD is a bully. I do think she shouldn't have behaved how she did but I can believe she was pushed / wound up. However I'd have preferred her to have come and told one of us, not let it escalate how it did.

Generally though, DSD is not a bad child at all and I don't have any worries about her being a bully or anything like that.

OP posts:
WhatWeDoInTheShadow · 08/05/2023 09:39

Yanbu at all.

Original poster
Inthemiddle235 · 08/05/2023 09:39

it sounds to me like DSD is immature for her age

Yes she can be

OP posts:
MushMonster · 08/05/2023 09:42

No, you cannot get further involved in children's arguments that telling them to stop and apologise.
Both fathers are wrong here. Shoutung from the adults and cancelling whole families or children based on one issue between children is ridiculous.

Original poster
Inthemiddle235 · 08/05/2023 09:43

I admit I did shout initially but that's only because I saw DSD pulling hair and so shouted 'X STOP THAT RIGHT NOW' and told DH when he asked who was really shocked and angry with her (until it all came out that other had started it/been winding her up all day etc..)

OP posts:
Daffodilwoman · 08/05/2023 09:43

No your dh is wrong. He should have sorted it at the time. I think his DSD is too old to be muxininv with the 8 year old. I’m not excusing the behaviour of the 8 year old but you should see your friend without dsd. Why can’t fathers patent their own children? Your dh needs to spend time alone with his dd. She is 12. She will have nothing in common with very young children and 8 year olds. For example a film a 12 year old can watch is not suitable for a 2 year old. A toddler play area is not suitable for a 12 year old.
Tell your dh as far as you are concerned it’s over. You will meet with your friend alone and he can entertain his child.