To think husband is unfair expecting me to get involved

[Inthemiddle235]

I have a best friend that I'm very close to. Our children are good friends. Her daughter can be difficult sometimes but she's a good kid at heart and is especially lovely with my youngest DC.

A while back all the children were together, my two DC, best friends DC and also my DSD (who is older than the others). DSD doesn't often see my friend or her DC.

Bestfriend wasn't actually there on this occasion, it was me, DH, the kids and bestfriends DH.

Long story short friends daughter and DSD ended up having a bit of a falling out and it got a bit physical (nothing major, no one was marked or injured). DH and bestfriends DH broke it up and there was a bit of tension because both were implying it was the other child's fault. It was so awkward and I refused to get involved in "taking sides" (aside from calming down the initial argument between the kids)

Cue us getting home and DH goes on a rant about best friends husband and her child and how badly behaved she is and how much she hurt DSD and he doesn't want her in the house again etc etc.. he is appalled that I'm not "sticking up for my stepdaughter" by speaking to my friend about what happened.

I just think they are kids ffs. They had a falling out, it's really not the end of the world. I think DSDs pride is bruised more than anything because she got told off for her involvement in it initially. I dont see what good it does to carry it on now and I do not want to message my friend about what happened and "stick up for DSD", I don't see the need and I know she'll feel awful because she's already struggling with aspects of her DDs behaviour and I know it will get her really down if I then start having a go too.

DSD was not injured it was just a little scrap between kids (and if anything she is the eldest by a number of years too!).

AIBU to not "stick up for DSD" by messaging friend and AIBU to tell DH he is being ridiculous over a child's argument and he needs to move on. I appreciate his daughter might not want to play with friends DD again and that's fine, I'd never make them but to say I can never have my friend and her child in my house again because of this seems ridiculous.

A secondary school pupil got in a physical situation with a primary school child.

Absolutely she should apologise, she is old enough to know that even if she is provoked then she doesn't respond physically.

And if she can't behave then ththe older child will just have to stay in her room if they visiting again.

Or stay at home if you are visiting them

It sounds as though maybe your DH hasn't done a huge amount of front line parenting.

Also sounds as though he locked horns with the 8yo's dad and now he feels like his pride is at stake and he must "win" in some way.

He is making arguments based on loyalty because he doesn't have any arguments that are based on logic.

🤔 my daughter is 12 and shortly to finish year 8...

The only conversation that I’d be having with my friend would be along the lines of asking her if her DD had said anything else to her about what happened because you don’t want this to have a lasting impact on your friendship and the children’s friendship, and how can we better manage DSD and her DD when out together in future?

A conversation with DSD was also in order to make it clear to her that if a child is irritating her or being mean to her, she should remove herself from the situation and let an adult know what’s going on. It is usually always the retaliation that is caught and punished which means that she will
get into trouble. DSD also needs to know that you will be spending time with the other family in the future and so it’s important that they learn to get along.

You can turn 12 the first week of year 7 (I did) or still be 12 on the 2nd to last day of year 8 so she could be in either.

You are doing the right thing. As for the person saying they shoild have been sat down at the time - well, that only works if all the adults present accept their child's part in things.

It sounds like everything got a bit heated and blown out of proportion.
This also sounds like the kind of thing kids get over within a day. There is no good reason to cut out your friend and her children- that seems overdramatic to me, and a shame.

Tbh kids often get irritable and scrappy when they're bored at gatherings. I remember being a similar age and adults hanging out and expecting the kids to go off and amuse themselves while they caught up over a glass of wine.
Maybe next time you all get together, have more of a plan when it comes to keeping the kids amused. Your DSD is probably too old to be able to hang around 8 year olds and not be bored out of her mind. Maybe next time find a garden game for the younger children to play, or stick on a DVD. And your DSD could have somewhere to sit quietly with a tablet/ book/ activity of her choosing?

Give over! Kids fight all the time - you cant go spouting about criminal activity in this situation. And if thats the case, then the adults would also bear a lot of responsibility for this 'criminal' acivity for not supervising them.

Whether or not it's usual child behaviour (and personally I don't think a 12yo hurting an unrelated 8yo is), physically attacking other children is legally assault if the child doing it is older than 10. At 12, the law (rightly or wrongly) expects children to know right from wrong and be able to exercise control over their actions.

I would be fuming if a 12 yo had assaulted my 8 yo...
Ask dh how he can justify dsd was in the right here...

Unless there is some backstory whereby 12 year old has repeatedly been fobbed off and told 'not now, don't tell tales, sort it out yourself' when asking adults to sort out a younger childs behaviour, I think 12 should have known to end interaction and come and find an adult.

She chose not to, and chose to get physical instead. Doesn't really matter what 8 did to start it, 12 should know better than to retaliate in that manner.

Might be different if 12 slapped 8 to physically get her off (say 8 has 12 by the hair... 12 then slaps 8 to get her off, there isn't much choice there, walk to parents with smaller child still pulling hair. Not what I'd do!) - but it seems as if in this tit for tat there was chance to walk away, and she chose not to.

Banning people from visting as a result of small children behaving badly seems very silly and dramatic!