To think husband is unfair expecting me to get involved

[Inthemiddle235]

I have a best friend that I'm very close to. Our children are good friends. Her daughter can be difficult sometimes but she's a good kid at heart and is especially lovely with my youngest DC.

A while back all the children were together, my two DC, best friends DC and also my DSD (who is older than the others). DSD doesn't often see my friend or her DC.

Bestfriend wasn't actually there on this occasion, it was me, DH, the kids and bestfriends DH.

Long story short friends daughter and DSD ended up having a bit of a falling out and it got a bit physical (nothing major, no one was marked or injured). DH and bestfriends DH broke it up and there was a bit of tension because both were implying it was the other child's fault. It was so awkward and I refused to get involved in "taking sides" (aside from calming down the initial argument between the kids)

Cue us getting home and DH goes on a rant about best friends husband and her child and how badly behaved she is and how much she hurt DSD and he doesn't want her in the house again etc etc.. he is appalled that I'm not "sticking up for my stepdaughter" by speaking to my friend about what happened.

I just think they are kids ffs. They had a falling out, it's really not the end of the world. I think DSDs pride is bruised more than anything because she got told off for her involvement in it initially. I dont see what good it does to carry it on now and I do not want to message my friend about what happened and "stick up for DSD", I don't see the need and I know she'll feel awful because she's already struggling with aspects of her DDs behaviour and I know it will get her really down if I then start having a go too.

DSD was not injured it was just a little scrap between kids (and if anything she is the eldest by a number of years too!).

AIBU to not "stick up for DSD" by messaging friend and AIBU to tell DH he is being ridiculous over a child's argument and he needs to move on. I appreciate his daughter might not want to play with friends DD again and that's fine, I'd never make them but to say I can never have my friend and her child in my house again because of this seems ridiculous.

DSD was upset for the rest of the day afterwards which I don't think helped DHs mood. He can be quite soft with her whereas I'd have just left her to have a sulk and been normal with her when she wanted to rejoin and moved on. I think DH caused it to carry on by starting to "take DSDs side" instead of just drawing a line and leaving it.

Your husband needs to realise that children fall out, fall in and that is part of life. However, DSD should have come and told you/her Dad and got an adult to step in re the 8 year olds behaviour.

No need for a huge drama over it, but I think both children were in the wrong and the dust probably needs to settle for both dads.

No need for a huge drama over it, but I think both children were in the wrong and the dust probably needs to settle for both dads

Tbf whilst I don't agree with how friends DH handled it at the time, I do think he has moved on, I've seen him since and he's been completely normal, never even mentioned it again.

You're doing the right thing. But the 12 year old shouldn't have behaved like that and needs watching/a word.

It does sound like they were both at fault. By the sounds of the carry on from the men the kids won’t be catching up again.

Tbh, I would have made my 11yo apologise if they'd responded violently to violence from a younger child. The older child ought to come and tell the adults. Your DH is being utterly ridiculous

He's not doing his Dd any favours by justifying her actions like this. Does he actually think it's acceptable that she pulled an 8yo hair? Is that how he would like her to respond in future. I wonder what he'd say in answer to those questions - might possibly make him reconsider?

This. No need to 'tell' friend. Her OH will do that. Then you and friend can meet up again without SD and maybe reference it but most likely despair at your husbands.

1. I'm a teacher in a primary school. If this happened at school, both children would be reprimanded (though of course 12 year old would no longer be in primary) and probably have a sanction for the physical side. But I'd expect the 12 year old to have acted more appropriately given the age and maturity gap.

1. It's just an incident between two kids. No need for the adults to get involved and impose sanctions in each other. I deal with over emotional parents often at work - some people just can't accept their child could be in the wrong. It's ridiculous and says more about them than anything else. Sometimes the child is more mature than the adult, admitting their role in the event but the adult still blames the other child.

Your DH needs to get a grip! He's taking this as a major affront to himself.

You are handling it correctly. Ignore your DH

A falling out between an 8yo and a 12yo who aren't friends and don't need to see each other again?

What on earth does DH expect to happen if you did "stick up for" a 12yo fighting with an 8yo?

DSD can learn a couple of useful lessons from this imo.

1. No matter what the provocation, it is never acceptable to get physical with someone smaller/younger/weaker than you.
2. When a smaller/younger child is winding you up, the best thing to do is remove yourself from the situation.

Your DH is making things worse by not seeing that DSD was in the wrong, even though the younger child was also in the wrong. He should be helping his DD learn this.

What on earth does he want you to do about it now that he as a fully fledged adult human parent can't do himself?

Tbh I would at least have mentioned it to your friend with it getting physical. If my dc was involved in something like this I would want to know, just so that I could talk to her to see what the issue was, her part in it and what she needs to do to avoid situations like this in the future.

Her husband will have told her I assume as he was there too

At 12yo she should have known better. But it's your dh child and he understandably feels very upset. Switch the entire situation around and be honest if you would be this understanding op?

total idiocy all round! A 12 yo who can't back down and admit she is wrong being parented by a man she learned this behaviour from. I CBA that OP.

Your DSD is old enough to know better.

But actually I think you’re all at fault for dragging a 12 year old along with little kids. There comes a point when you have to accept that, whilst the adults might still want to spend time together, the dynamic doesn’t work for the kids. When I was 12 I’d started my periods and was well into puberty, interested in boys and so on. If I’d been dragged on a day out with primary school kids and a toddler, I’d have been in a bloody bad mood from the start. And if one of the primary school kids had started winding me up I’d have been even more grumpy.

Regardless of the rights and wrongs of the situation, it sounds like everyone has moved on except your DH @Inthemiddle235. He needs to do that too. It doesn't sound like these 2 girls really need to be involved with each other in the future, so no need for drama.

And FWIW my DH does not get to police my friendships. Any more than I do his.

I think you are handling this as well. There was a similar thread recently and the responses were full of “stand by your man” posts even when it’s obvious he was in the wrong.

So I think letting him sulk away while everyone moves on just shows his maturity levels and hopefully he will snap out of it soon

The 12 year old laid into an 8 year old? Your H needs to pull himself together. Fuck sake.

Agree. She could walk away at 12.

He’s being completely ridiculous. His DD is immature, impulsive and sensitive because of how he behaves and what he lets her get away with. I’d be appalled at a 12 year old pulling an 8 year old’s hair, that’s awful.

You’re being fair and reasonable. Don’t entertain anymore of his drama and whinging.

where we’re all the adults in this or where you just assuming that the 8 and 12 years old were fine. I have this age gap and my god did DS wind his sister up at 8. If she was left alone until she broke then where were the adults.
And how aggressive was the other dad - was it treated as kids being kids or the 12 year old at faulr

Have you pointed out to your husband that DSD at 12 is over the age of criminal responsibility and therefore has committed a criminal offence by being violent towards the 8 year old? She's old enough that the law expects her to take responsibility for her actions. Whereas the 8 year old isn't.

I agree with not making a meal of it (he and the other dad are being really stupid imo) but really he is deluded to think that the younger child is more to blame.

I'd have sat both the 12 year old and the 8 year old down at the time, told them their behaviour was unacceptable and I didn't want to see any more of it, and moved on.