MIL bragging how good the kids were

[Mumsbehavingbadly]

I don’t want to sound bitter because I’m not. However me and DH have tons of problems when it comes to dinner time every single evening. I make lovely dinners and make a lot of effort even though I feel like I shouldn’t because I have to beg them to eat. They mess about on there chairs pick at the food it’s a nightmare.

But then they will go to MIL sit down at the table not move and finish all their dinner and act like angels.

MIL and BIL bragging at how amazing they are “they practically licked their plates” “Their like different kids when they come to ours”

Just feels like a fucking slap in the face.

DH feels like I’m being dramatic but I just think it’s a joke. They know how much of a struggle we go through.

AIBU to feel like this?

🤣 at this being about the mil. How very dare she provide an environment where the children are happy to eat without stress and emotional blackmail! If this thread was the other way round everyone would be saying "Don't let them ever eat at MIL's again! So damaging to make food an emotional battleground!"

It sounds like the kids could be picking up on the stress around meals.
"DH starts to get frustrated and threatens to take toys away"
So your DH starts getting angry with them.

They are pairing the dinner table with anxiety.

Dinner = Dad gets angry and he and Mummy have the cross faces on.

I might prefer dinner at MILs too because your DH doesn't kick off over there.
And turn the thing into an all-encompassing tragedy and a sign his life is a misery because of you guys, and his children are utter failures.

Tell your DH to lighten up.

You are furious with your kids because they make DH annoyed over faffing about at dinner and then you feel that's your problem.

With regards to eating. Don't make it an issue. Put food out let the eat what they want. Maybe leave it out if they are likely to return to it. Don't stress. Try to make sure there's stuff they will in on the plate and let them decide how hungry they are.

My mil brags it's very annoying. She has our ds once a month at most and acts like she must be parent of the year because he behaves there. She actually said to me "he's better when your not there" when I asked if we could visit without dh once. Children tend to play up /show true feelings at home because they are more comfortable there. It's likely they do as they are told because you have raised them to be polite. I'd just say "yes they are a real credit to me and dh aren't they?"

Depends on how familiar they are with her. If its a fairly rare event it might just be a case of best behaviour. However if they're too young to differentiate or eat with her often then id be asking what is your MiL doing differently from you? What is it about her expectations, manner, example, tone, structure of the meal, food served, or consequences used that enable her to achieve the behaviour you would like?
Rather than see it as bragging, next time she praises your DC, ask her what she does differently.

Have you read the book "how to talk so that children listen, and listen so that children talk"? I wonder if the techniques there might be helpful for you OP?

As pp. Poster said they are probably in best behaviour.
However why force children too do something they are not ready for.
Get them a little child table and let them sit and do their best there!!
Asking every single night for dc to sit and eat when they just can't is awful.

Relax. Most kids are like that.

I always took the view that my responsibility was to provide the meal. It was up to them if they ate it. No drama. None of this “just one more mouthful”. Then kitchen closed until breakfast.

Firstly is this actually the case - have you seen them act in this way at her house?!

Secondly maybe go for 'that's great - it's an area we struggle with. Would you feel comfortable having them a couple of tea times per week if they are so good here? Then we know they are getting some good nutrition' I suspect she'll backtrack when she's doing it regularly!

Kids will ALWAYS act differently for their parents. It's where they feel the can completely be themselves.

Also it sounds like you are stressing over meal times. Just cook, put the food down and explain this is their meal and nothing else is available this evening. If they don't eat it - keep it to warm up for later if they want it.

See what MIL does and whether you can learn something, including whether she provides a constant supply of snacks all day (or not).

And remind yourself that kids play up to the people they feel closest too.

It's not a competition. To the kids they aren't a MIL, they are their (blood related) Grandparents.

Try and imagine this was a teacher or the parent of one of their friends and not the 'MIL' - would you feel so irritated by it? Stop viewing MIL as competition, you'll be happier for it.

You are bitter because if you weren't you'd be asking/thinking - what can I learn so I can do the same at home? Or you'd be thinking - ah they're always good for other people at least - and having a little joke to yourself - I can't wait till I get to be a Grandma and don't have the daily dinner battle etc etc.

It's your mindset OP.

My DC's nursery keyworker tell us every day DC is as good as gold all day. Never ever tantrums. It's tantrum galore at home- should I be switching nurseries because this woman should understand how much I struggle and is therefore bragging? No. Of course not. I just have to take it on the chin and I recognise that DC probably melts-down at home because this is where they feel safest, and they've been holding it together all day.

My mother (who was also a MIL) used to say to me when I fretted about my children's eating "It's your job to provide healthy, appetising meals. It's not your job to make them eat them."

When my eldest wouldn't eat and it became a battle of wills, the best advice I got (and people gave a LOT of advice) was to serve her food I hadn't cooked myself - on the basis that I wouldn't bring that pressure to the mealtime. She wasn't rejecting me, just the food. Maybe this approach would help here?

At your house, mealtimes equal anxiety and a cross daddy who takes toys away. I can't eat when I'm anxious either. Sounds like you have 15 minutes where they do sit and eat, so make that 15 minutes their mealtime then they get down. Keep portion sizes small so they're not overwhelmed. Remember just how small their stomachs are and look at what they eat over a week rather than daily.

Make mealtimes more about chatting about each others' day etc so there's less focus on food.

My eldest lived on fresh air, it seemed! However, he would happily eat my big sister's cottage pie and roast dinner, so he ate there a couple of times a week. Her kids did the same with me.

Totally normal! I had a smug mil too so I feel your pain.

On a general note about being 'smug' as a GP. Some of the thinking around childcare in any generation can seem very odd to women who have already successfully raised children to adulthood using different methods. It can be very difficult to watch the implementation of current practises that don't appear to be working, causing stress and misery to both parent and DC, without at least hinting you have a another way.

The more tactful GPs resist the urge to comment at all, unless asked, but those who don't are often coming from a place of frustration at feeling they could help you, and its well intentioned rather than being smug or malicious. Some are of course. But you can gauge from the woman's overall character which is most likely to be the case.

My kids were always better behaved for others.

Every single time!

Totally agree with 5128gap having raise 7 dc sucessfully to adulthood without apps and all the associated stuff I'm amazed by the angst modern parents inflict on themselves. Worrying about every little detail stops them fully enjoying their dc.
Not saying my family are perfect but we've always have been and still are very close and the dc look out for each other.

*raised