MIL bragging how good the kids were

[Mumsbehavingbadly]

I don’t want to sound bitter because I’m not. However me and DH have tons of problems when it comes to dinner time every single evening. I make lovely dinners and make a lot of effort even though I feel like I shouldn’t because I have to beg them to eat. They mess about on there chairs pick at the food it’s a nightmare.

But then they will go to MIL sit down at the table not move and finish all their dinner and act like angels.

MIL and BIL bragging at how amazing they are “they practically licked their plates” “Their like different kids when they come to ours”

Just feels like a fucking slap in the face.

DH feels like I’m being dramatic but I just think it’s a joke. They know how much of a struggle we go through.

AIBU to feel like this?

Kids always eat better for other people.

Also, in the nicest way, I suggest you give up making nice, time consuming meals if it’s not appreciated and causing you so much stress. My DC don’t get exciting meals made by me anymore because they never ate them and it made me annoyed. So I stopped - I make meals they are more likely to eat that I deem nutritionally good enough and that require minimum effort.

Totally normal behaviour for kids. My son is horrendous eater at home and all nursery staff are always praising him for eating so well.
Having said that when I was little I always preferred my granny's (dad's mum) cooking. My mum always slagged off her cooking skills and I've never had the heart to tell my mum I preferred the food my granny made 😂

There's nothing wrong with tinned veg btw; better for your kids to eat tinned veg than refuse to eat your fresh ones

Instead of criticising MIL, why not ask her for tips on how she gets your kids to stay at the table, sit on their chairs and eat.

My son once asked his DD why she and her brother behave better at Granny's house. 4 yr old replied " Because when Granny says no , she means it".

Been there OP 😀my eldest became so fussy only eating dry carbs like bread, pasta and we were all worried about him having sensory problems and poor nutrition but he went to creche and would lick the plate clean every time. I used to have fake phone calls with the cook writing down his recipes to encourage DS to eat. My niece wouldn't let anyone at home touch her hair without screams, it was like a birds nest yet she would come home in plaits after playing "hairdresser" 😁

My grandchildren are completely different children when their parents aren’t there, they sit nicely eat better, even the veg 😂, not perfect angels, but better. As soon as mum and dad walk in it all goes to pot.

I think it’s because though I encourage them to eat, I don’t force the issue just shrug and say something like “ok you don’t like your peas that’s fine, I’ll remember to give you extra broccoli next time sweetheart’. But I know it’s different, I’m mummum and my life isn’t exactly stressful anymore.

dont stress over it, just stick to the basic rules, you leave your chair you’ve finished eating, you don’t eat dinner that’s it until breakfast they’ll learn trust me, what until they’re teenagers 😂😂

Maybe a few mealtimes of 'if they don't want to eat it, that's fine'?

Probably knew there would be no grand dinnertime production at the grandparents so just ate and enjoyed their meals 🤷‍♀️

Dinnertime shouldn't be an event. You cook/prepare, you sit down together and you eat. Anyone not eating misses out. I'd assume a lovely big breakfast in the morning would be the result. I don't run a restaurant. I cook what I know they like and if it's something new and they don't like it, they can have something else, no biggie. Choose not to eat, no problem.
I've never understood the angst over food. Rarely will a child starve themselves and those that do/would usually have bigger issues.

Kids are reacting to you and it's time to change the way you approach meal times

@WonderWoop in my experience that's quite common. Children are on best behaviour in school & minders/nursery so when they get home they're tired from it. Home is their safe space so they let it all out. Very hard for you I know but I would think nothing to worry about.

Yep, kids save their worst behaviour for their mothers. They're fine with other people, but they save it up and unleash it on you the next day. Have you noticed that they are particularly bad the day after? Don't take it as a reflection on you. It's so normal, there would probably be something wrong if they didn't do it.

My MIL also has a thing about the kids and food. It's sweet that she cares so much, try to see it that way if you can.

Kids always behave better with other people. They are free-er to act out and be little shits with their own parents. Sure mine are little angels in every respecter Grannies..

but yeah maybe PPs have a point - are you getting too worked up t home? Is it just dinner time? Maybe it has gradually just become a bit of a pantomime and they are acting up to it every day?
maybe take a step back and try. Totally different tact there for a while - play the whole thing down, almost ignore it. Put heir food down and let them do as they please for 15 mins and tell them dinner is over in 15 mins. Set a timer. after 15 mins lift their dinner then it’s over and nothing else. No fuss. No drama. End off.
see how they take to that over time.

We always had the same, here drama, sweat and tears- crèche, friend or relative- everything and anything! You need to relax and accept it really (sorry!), keep on trying, but don’t make it the huge deal you probably do (because we all do it!). As for bragging, I’d probably do that too and if relief and joy that I’m not sending them home with a ‘sorry, they wouldn’t touch it!’

And? 🙄

Kids always behave better for other people and cause less stress for other people. It’s because they aren’t as comfortable to act up. And it’s most families it’s an ongoing joke.

I used to babysit a much younger cousin. He would be lovely all day. Then for no reason start being a little shit, then his parents would come in. It was like he knew they were on their way so would start misbehaving.

DS would act up for mum, mum was delighted. Because it meant he was comfortable around her. He would only act up for me, his dad and my mum and dad.

But also, meal times were stressful when I was with exh (the kids dad), he made it so much worse and ds barely ate. Since I left him ds eating improved hugely.

i would really rethink, what goes on at dinner time. Not saying you should leave. But dinner time clearly isn’t working. You know it isn’t and you feel a bit jealous that it’s easy at Mils house. I would maybe suggest you are reading too much into what mil is saying and adding in (sub consciously) her smugness or bragging (or maybe exaggerating it) because you feel defensive.

Punishing children for not wanting to eat isn't the solution. Just say "are you full?" Then remove the plates if they say yes.

If they ask for snacks say no, you told me you were full.

Kids generally behave better for other people.A child I looked after, after school until her mum finished work was no bother for me yet as soon as her mother walked through my door the child turned into a screaming banshee.
I once collected my granddaughter from her childminder and watched g/d standing perfectly still as she let the childminder brush her hair and put it into a pony tail. At home it was screaming, tears, wriggling and running away before she’d let any of us near her with a brush.
I was open mouthed in amazement.

Don't make mealtimes a battle. Don’t invest so much effort into making elaborate meals for them. Beans on toast with a glass of milk and an apple is an okay meal. No snacks. Give them a limited choice- “do you want pasta with cheese on top or tomato?” that sort of thing. As others have said take food away if they aren’t going to eat it. Be happy that they are eating nicely at MiL. If MiL makes a smug comment brush it off by saying something positive “ It’s great that they enjoy being at yours. When can they come again?” Don’t make comparisons with how they behave at home, if MiL brings that up just say “ It’s funny how children always behave better at other peoples house isn’t it?” Don’t get drawn in.

This behaviour is a lot worse than your MIL’s. Frustration and threats are never going to get kids to eat, they will just completely fuck up their attitude to food. If there’s no pressure at MIL’s no wonder they eat better (and it’ll be a build-up over time too so they feel completely differently at mealtimes in her house).

Mine are picky eaters and I offer them food, focus on how they feel (is your tummy saying it’s full?) and let them leave the table when they feel done, even if they’ve not eaten much. I leave their food on the table and if they complain about being hungry later, direct them back to it and microwave if necessary, or offer them something that’s not a treat like weetabix.

There’s some great accounts on Instagram to help you support your kids to eat in a healthy way. Feeding Picky Eaters, Big Little Feelings and Our Table Eating In Colour are my favourites.

You are making too much of a fuss at meal times ,you are all getting stressed out and the kids act up . They act up because they know they can . They can’t act that way at grandparents because it’s a different environment and they know they won’t beable to get away with it .

There’s some brilliant advice and information on this thread which I can’t add anything to regarding eating and what is seen in so many dc, not just yours.

But as a MIL can I suggest you respond to any bragging from her with something along the lines of -Yes - I’m so proud of how well my children behave with extended members of the family. We would always teach and generally encourage it. That sort of respect is lovely to see, isn’t it.

It really is your win that they behave well for her.

Sorry but you sound very snobby. Tinned / frozen veg is the same if not better. Maybe you need to chill out more at home don’t make a massive fuss about dinner and them eating it

“ DH starts to get frustrated and threatens to take toys away”

and there’s your answer. You are creating very negative associations with meal times.

Yep.

I once went to the childminders for a coffee and couldn't believe how my food refusing child just ate from a spoon from her. He certainly wouldn't have let me feed him from a spoon, nor would he eat half the things I offered.

It doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong or she's doing something 'better'. It's just they can play up with you more as you're his parents.

Her being smug about it is just unkind.

Having said that I agree with PP about not making it a battleground. If they're eating something reasonably healthy then it's fine. They don't need fancy meals. I would tell your DH not to make threats or have consequences for not eating.

My youngest son who would barely eat anything but bananas, bread and cheese is now the biggest foodie. The best thing was us eating calmly just the two of us when he was four or five. I'd just put a small amount of what he liked on his plate, eat my food and then get him to try just a couple of things from my plate. He'd usually give it a go if he just had to eat one carrot for example.

The thing is dinner time only starts getting stressful when we’ve all been sat down for 15 mins and the kids are picking. DH starts to get frustrated and threatens to take toys away .

No wonder mealtimes are stressful then. You and your dh need to stop making them stressful! Begging, pleading and threatening are totally counterproductive. Let your children pick at their food. They won't starve.

I'd probably be tempted to make a passive aggressive comment: "Your food must be much better than mine and you must be a better cook."

But she might be simply an insensitive person and doesn't realise the hurt she is causing. I am sure it's a stage, OP, and they will grow out of it. I'd suggest tiny portions, so it doesn't feel so bad.