Do I look pretty?

[Itssunnybutwereindoors]

Dd, 5 has started saying this recently. My dad always says she looks pretty or she’s so pretty in this dress or that. I know he doesn’t mean any harm by it, but I hate him saying it. She always used to ask if she looked *Cool when she got dressed up in various play clothes etc and it was quite funny, just feels a bit weird for me that she’s now focussing on looking pretty.
Aibu and need to relax?

Hmm. Hard to say without more detail on why you feel uneasy about this. Do you feel that pretty is anti-feminist? We’re you hoping your daughter would care less about her looks? I do t think your DH meant anything harmful by it but I guess it’s easy for young girls to internalise misogyny. Maybe have a word with him about your issues with the word pretty.

Were not we’re. Don’t not do t.

Not an issue as long as she's praised for other things and it's not disproportionately looks-based compliments.

I don’t think I would worry about it too much, but I think if she asks if she looks pretty you should say other things that are great about her too. E.g yes you do but you’re also really smart / nice / good at running etc just anything to deflect the pretty! Real examples of what she’s done are good rather than generalisations.

Maybe ask your Dad to give her other compliments too not just pretty.

My fear is I don’t want her to be interested in her looks..I know it’s inevitable when she’s older, but not at 5! I don’t want her to even think about how she looks or if she’s *Pretty or not, I don’t know, I just don’t like it and it really grates on me when he says it. I haven’t said anything as I’m sure everyone would think I was being uptight

Agree with peachy

agree with the poster peachyboop

All 5 year olds are pretty when nicely dressed but agree with mentioning things she has some control over. Like being kind.

I don’t think you’re being uptight at all, you’re protecting your daughter. If she gets praised for her looks she’ll attach praise to being pretty, so how’s that going to make her feel if she’s ever not pretty for any reason? Eg she gains weight or gets teenage spots. Who defines ‘pretty’ anyway?

I would have a quiet word with your dad and ask him to praise her for other stuff, not her looks.

Girls grow up internalising that our looks are the most important thing about us and that is baked in at a young age (when I opened this thread I thought it might be from an adult woman which shows how often women start threads worrying about their looks on here)

The opposite - never ever saying it - can backfire, as you grow up thinking if your parent has never said you're pretty, that must mean you're ugly. Same way if they never tell you you're clever, logic dictates that they must think you're stupid.

It also makes somebody who does compliment you instantly the best person in the world, whether it's a genuine compliment or one made with ill intent.

My DD 4, started doing this a lot since she started school so I think she’s picked it up from her classmates. She does also ask if she looks stylish or cool as well so it’s not always if she’s pretty.

I would say something to your dad too. If he carry’s on say right back “And you looks pretty too grandad!” Evert time I will guarantee he will not like it. It’s another subtle way of enforcing in females that their self worth is tied to their looks. I bet he doesn’t say this to makes does he?

"You look great. You always do." Then change the subject. Avoid the word pretty. "Great" covers being muddy and sporty or academic in white lab coat and spectacles. Great suggests she looks fine because she is fine in whatever mode she chooses.

Males not makes.

could you answer with something like 'you look clean and tidy, that's all I care about' it may sound a bit grumpy but I think it'd be better in the long term.

I quite like this.

Also focussing on activity perhaps - stuff like - you look like someone ready to play football / go on a walk

you look like someone who has spent all morning snuggled away in their pyjamas, or well you don't look like someone who is ready for bed?

Does she watch content where the women are pretty princesses etc ?
I think it's fine to use pretty if it's balanced with other compliments like fast, brave, kind, funny...

Logic leads potentially to the internalised 'I'm ugly and Mummy only loves me when I'm clean and tidy - if I look messy or play and get dirty, she won't care about me at all'.

My DD is four and asks the same, but I think it’s a lot to do with whatever clothes she is wearing. Like, she’ll ask if she looks beautiful if she’s wearing a dress, fancy if she’s wearing all her jewellery, or cool if she’s got a new hat or something. She’ll also tell me that she has strong legs when she’s riding her bike, or big muscles when she’s doing the monkey bars, or that she’s a good sharer when she’s playing with toys. I don’t want all her value to come from her looks, but I do want her to think she’s beautiful, kind, strong and hardworking. I think it’s okay to praise all of those things.

I think it's pretty normal. I make a conscious effort to praise things like kindness and cuddling skills as much as looks but it's ok to praise looks too, especially if they've done something like washed their hair (finally).

And I agree that it's important to also say that you love them even when they don't look fabulous because they're always beautiful to you

I tell my 4 year old son he looks handsome or cool depending on what he's wearing.

Interesting, where does your view come from?

I think people are only vulnerable to flattery when they haven’t experienced unconditional love.

And I think people can feel like the most attractive being on earth when they’re experienced a parent’s unconditional love, without the parent even commenting either way on their looks.

I wouldn’t worry too much about it, but I would make sure to praise her for other things too.
I personally don’t really use the word “pretty”, but I do say “you look lovely” or “that’s such a cool outfit”. I also praise my daughter’s drawing skills, her sense of humor, her kindness etc.