Do I look pretty?

[Itssunnybutwereindoors]

Dd, 5 has started saying this recently. My dad always says she looks pretty or she’s so pretty in this dress or that. I know he doesn’t mean any harm by it, but I hate him saying it. She always used to ask if she looked *Cool when she got dressed up in various play clothes etc and it was quite funny, just feels a bit weird for me that she’s now focussing on looking pretty.
Aibu and need to relax?

I think this is fine but people also need to drop in the jokey ‘ewwww you smell’ or ‘you uugggly’ - make her understand you’re joking and and it’s funny, get her to laugh about it

I wouldn't like this either, we don't constantly comment on boys looks. I think it shows she's beginning to think looks matter more than they do, which is inevitable but I think I'd have a word with your dad. As you say the more you can ingrain that other things are more important, the better equipped she will be to deal with an insane focus on beauty when she becomes a teenager.

Why would she call her ugly 🤣, so she gets more fussed about being pretty?

It's important to tell children that they are beautiful.

Being smart, kind etc. is more important, but our society also cares about looking nice, you do too even if you won't admit it, and if you don't tell her while she's little she'll have problems later on.

From my experience, people who never get complimented on their physical appearance really crave this and are more at danger to being groomed as teenagers by guys who tell them they are beautiful.

Don't do this to your daughter, please. Tell her she is kind, smart, helpful but also tell her she is beautiful. It's important to hear this from your parents.

My DH always used to greet our daughter with the word 'Good Morning pretty girl.' I would respond with 'yes, pretty awesome/amazing/powerful....' But she's now a young woman and I've mellowed. He always knew that she was more than 'pretty' and treated her accordingly and perhaps it's ok to know that even on your shittiest days, your dad thinks you're gorgeous.

This is 100% true.

It's so important to tell kids that they are beautiful. Other things should be emphasised more, but this is also important.

More so that I think she might not take the pretty complements so seriously, it’s does no harm as long as they understand you’re joking and get a laugh out of it, braces them to not be so hurt/sensitive if someone did ever say this to them. Which I hope they don’t, but I’m sure we all know what kids at school can be like.. maybe it’s just our family but we aren’t too bad and definitely not sensitive about people commenting our looks 🤣

I like this poem ...

I wouldn't love it and I might ask him to say "You look lovely" instead.

But all the girls in DS's class knew by the age of 5 who was pretty. It is something they are very aware of by then - I was once appalled when a friend's daughter at that age explained that her best friend was her best friend because she was prettier than her other friend. You can't protect them from this stuff unfortunately.

No, you want to train a young girl to accept bullying and humiliating statements. It is not appropriate behaviour from adults to children.

Yes because training them to accept bullying is what I said .. in my experience it makes you appreciate to let things go over your head, but each to their own… it does no harm to have this humour with your children

I grew up valued only for my academic ability and never got told I looked lovely. One day my granny took a look at me and said 'You're very good looking!' This was when I was 20. It actually meant the world to me, At school, I was good academically and very sporty but it might have been nice if I had been more confident in my looks. Give praise where praise is due but what's wrong with your dad telling your DD she's pretty. I just don't get it.

Oh my God, please not this. I am sick to the back teeth of memes like, ‘you may not have the prettiest face in the class but you can have kindest heart’ or philosophy for kids , ‘would you rather be pretty or kind’. As if we can have no ambitions or boundaries for our daughters beyond being pretty or kind. Kids pick up in that y’know. The idea that girls, unlike boys, are most judged, most important in terms of life-limiting options being pretty or kind. Both boys and girls absorb that damaging message about girls.

Kind is also a quite dangerous ambition to set for girls. You pop along to the relationship threads and see how many women stay in shit relationships because they don’t want to hurt the man they are with because ( his mental health/ addictions/ childhood issues/ he’s got no mates and he’ll be lonely) as if these women can’t imagine mattering in their own right or putting themselves first in their own lives, as they have internalized ‘kindness’ as a goal for women. Look at how women’s basic safeguarding is being thrown away for the need to ‘be kind’, look at how women who say, ‘hang on a minute’ about all this are accused of ‘hoarding rights’ because we, as a society’ have so absorbed the message that girls and women should prioritize kindness above themselves.

Ever young girl should be taught how to be well boundaried before being kind. ‘toxic empathy’ is not a good way to live one’s life.

I’m pretty sure it does.

Ok tell your children what they want to hear then, and once they reach the real world I’m sure it will hurt a whole lot more hearing that people will say this sort of stuff, without even thinking twice

I have always told DD she is funny, clever, pretty, wise, a good daughter.

Not hard to do is it?

Agreed. I wasn't ever told I was pretty, or encouraged to think about my looks (don't misunderstand: my parents were very nice - and I think well-intentioned!) and even now I feel embarrassed to try to make myself look nice ('Not for the likes of me' ). My best friend at Uni had to persuade me that yes, I really could buy a red top (not only drab colours).

When I look back at my 20-year-old self, I was slim and nice looking (not especially pretty, but ok). I really wish I could go back to how I looked then and actually wear some interesting, fashionable clothes! I'm now middle-aged and overweight, and everything genuinely does look terrible on me! Maybe I should still try to push myself out of my comfort zone and wear something other than jeans, tops and the simplest of dresses. If not now, when?

I regularly compliment my DD(10) if she's made an effort with her appearance. Sometimes saying that she's chosen a good combination, or simply that she looks nice. I call her 'my beautiful girl' all the time... as well as calling her strong and fast and agile, or praising her when she's been thoughtful or logical or creative or come up with a good idea.

I'm desperate for her to feel comfortable with how she looks for herself. And I very much hope she can enjoy youthful fashion - again for herself.

Agree with this and other posters.

I read an interview once with Dawn French and she attributed a lot of her self confidence, and being comfortable in her own skin to her dad telling her she was beautiful every day.

‘Be abusive to your children first, because they will meet some abusive people in their life’ has to be the most fucked up parenting advice ever. There is a reason no-one has ever written a parenting book based around that concept y’know.

Instead they work on building up children’s resilience by instilling a sense of being likeable, loveable, capable and having enough self-worth that you can see setbacks as just that, rather than road ends.

Having no place to go to of feeling unconditionally loved as even your parents denigrate and mock you, is not a way to raise children with self worth and resilience.

OP - for your 5yo, I don't think you need to over-think it. Answer something like 'as beautiful as a flower' or 'I love your dress/hairclip' or simply 'you are always my beautiful girl' whilst sweeping her up in a cuddle.

So long as you're also praising her for other things, it's surely a good thing that she knows you think she's beautiful.

I was never told I was pretty . Smart or neat (as in tidy) but not pretty. It would have been good for me to have heard this sometimes. I have lots of self esteem issues. Ot shouldn't be the main or only focus but it is nice to think others think you look pretty. Pretty can be different things to different people.

I personally wouldn't worry. She'll hit goth stage soon enough and hate anything pretty [slightly light hearted - mum of teens].

Maybe get DH onside and revert back to "cool"?

Of course you should tell your daughter she is pretty. It's important that she feels confident in her looks as well as her abilities. Five year olds are well aware of what pretty means and that some children are prettier than others.

Ok fine at 5 to not want that but she should be raised to be interested in her appearance, a well rounded person is multi faceted and your appearance and how you present to thr world is part of that. As is many other things, from intellect, to empathy,to drive and so on.

raising a child to not be interested in her appearance is doing a massive disservice to her. But agree not at 5

however at that age I recall my daughter saying do I look adorable, clearly if said it a lot. She is now a young adult and I can assure you doesn’t run around asking folks if she looks adorable.