Do I look pretty?

[Itssunnybutwereindoors]

Dd, 5 has started saying this recently. My dad always says she looks pretty or she’s so pretty in this dress or that. I know he doesn’t mean any harm by it, but I hate him saying it. She always used to ask if she looked *Cool when she got dressed up in various play clothes etc and it was quite funny, just feels a bit weird for me that she’s now focussing on looking pretty.
Aibu and need to relax?

100 percent. A child who is raised to never be told she’s pretty or beautiful or handsome is one who grows up with self esteem issues.

Is there a back story here with your own self esteem?

Absolutely not what I’m saying.. I don’t think saying your child is stinky or ugly in a HUMOROUS way is abusive in the slightest… but as you seem to have read every book about parenting I’ll believe you ✌🏼 my whole point was about having a laugh with them and teaching them not to take it so serious, as a parent you will be their safe space. It’s not to say if you ever called your child this and they came home one day saying someone else has called them it, that you’d agree? Of course you wouldn’t. If you didn’t agree with my views or wouldn’t have light hearted banter with your children in this way, then don’t???? Simple 🤣

@Napoleonsjosephine No back story, it just doesn’t feel right, I suppose because he says it a lot, without really thinking to say other compliments. Luckily we all do, so she’s getting a varied mix, it’s just the way she’s started asking recently and saying she wants to be pretty, it’s not her character at all, well wasn’t previously, perhaps it’s just her growing up a bit

Snap! I was going to post that Dawn French anecdote myself. No matter what size Dawn is she always feels attractive. And she is. Her dad sounds wonderful. I've got sons and I told them they were good looking.

Beautiful ≠ pretty

I don’t think there is much harm meant here as long as your dd is told of other positive attributes she has.
Not pretty but I tell my daughter every day she is beautiful because I want her to feel beautiful and grow up confident in herself. However I tell her alongside this that she is kind, caring and smart and that I am proud of her. I read her The Twits around age 5/6 and we spoke about how being beautiful is about the whole person, how they treat others and about being kind, caring and respectful.
We are exceptionally lucky that our dd is a kind soul but I have been so proud of her (I always am) in particular on a few occasions when she has stood up for others when people have commented on appearance and race.
I don’t agree that we don’t comment on boys looks. I always tell my nephews that they look beautiful or handsome. Again alongside other compliments. I think no matter what you look like it’s good for people to tell you you are beautiful and loved, I hope it helps them love themselves more when they get older and more self conscious.

I think OP it is ok if you call her pretty as long as you mention how kind she is (for example) and don't focus just on looks only.

I think you need to stop overthinking ....I tell my ds if he looks smart, or handsome, sometimes I tell him he looks beautiful. Same with dd, I'll say she looks pretty or smart when she does.

They both take pride in their appearance but it isn't the be all and end all and it isn't a negative......they both have a.damn sight more confidence in how they look than I, who can't ever remember being complimented on how I looked by my own mother. It's left me with a lot of confidence issues tbh. 😕

Perhaps the diet of compliments needs to be balanced.

Think about portion sizes when complimenting physical attributes/beauty/ dress sense, positive personality traits, and academic prowess/sports/musical/artistic skills.

I only ever got compliments on exam performance. I reached adulthood believing I was a minger and terrified of failure.

My close friend received compliments from her mum all the time, and her mum also tried to cheer lead me too. Her inherent sense of self worth has definitely helped her throughout life, she's far more confident facing life's challenges.

Ah yes. Banter. That defensive term that is only ever used by those giving out the ‘banter’ , never those receiving it, who have quite a different term for it.

Calling your child ugly in a humorous way. Only someone who uses the term ‘banter’ would ever think this is ok.

Haha well you don’t know me nor do I know you so let’s leave our opinions now, as I’d rather not spend my Saturday afternoon battling with someone on Mumsnet, although you sound a barrel of laughs

I tell my little girl she is pretty all the time, as well as beautiful, gorgeous, that she has a lovely face, amazing eyes, etc! It is nice to be told that. I think you're overthinking it 😊

100% this

I say to my boys (aged 12 and 10) every single day that they are beautiful. Every day. I never had my parents tell me I looked good- they were usually critical of my looks because I had (and indeed have) a body like a frog. I say every day ' You are beautiful'. I also praise them every day for their kindness and their humour and their everything. I want them to never ever doubt that I as their parent love and appreciate them. I doubted that every day of my life and still doubt it. My mother only afew weeks ago told me i looked like a hobbit. My own father says to me 'should you be eating that?' whe I ordered pizza in a restaurant. I want my children to feel safe in the knowledge that I think they are wonderful.

My mum never told me I was pretty. It was unfortunate, as the kids in school thought I was ugly and had no qualms in telling me that. I remember asking her once and being told I had nice eyes. 🙄It was actually surprising to look back at photos of me as a child, to see that I was no different to other kids.

I hope I've struck a balance with my dc.

It will be the influence of other kids too. Being a short haired girl at 5 was bloody awful. It was curly and just didn't. Fucking. Grow. And of course, if you don't fit the gender norms kids' parents have indoctrinated them with, they'll pick anything. I was paranoid about looking like a boy for years and years. Well, until I grew a magnificent pair of tits in my late teens. Like pp, I was clever and did well at school, but all I wanted was to be attractive.

The right answer is always ‘yes darling you look beautiful’

Agree with you, OP. It's really heartbreaking how much a girl has internalised in just five years.

It’s a phase. My son says ‘do I look handsome?’ Because I tell him he is. I also tell him he’s clever and funny etc etc.

My children both tell me they are pretty, or cute because we make sure to tell them, they do also know that they are kind, clever, brave (well the eldest is) or patient (the youngest), friendly/sensible and all manner of other things because I want them to have that confidence. I grew up being called ugly by my family and I think that has done a lot more damage than being called pretty would have.

As long as your daughter knows she isn't JUST pretty and it's not her only important attribute - in fact kindness is far more important - then being called pretty really won't hurt her.

There was a thread not too long ago where a poster said that her parents never called her pretty or beautiful therefore she’d grown up thinking she was ugly :(

If I am not praised for my looks I feel like this!

In truth I am average, but if someone else around me is told how pretty/beautiful etc they are- I just hear but you aren't!

Even though nothing is said about me.

But ALL children should be taught to be kind - or at the very least to think before they speak. I was bullied horrifically in school to the point I was suicidal (not helped by a horrid home life admittedly)...children have got to be taught kindness. There's too much nastiness in the world, nobody ever seems to think of anyone else or think before they speak now. It's not an ideal world and no amount of good parenting will ever eradicate vile people but I do think all children, regardless of gender, should be taught to be kind.

Also OP, asking her grandfather to not call her beautiful isn't going to prevent her caring about her looks from 11-12 onwards.

Unless your dad is seriously over the top, you are overreacting here. You cannot prevent young people from caring about their looks. Everyone does.

You can show her that looks aren't the most important thing about people. But children should definitely be told that they're pretty and beautiful imo