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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have gotten the ick?

59 replies

parenthoodseason · 07/05/2023 08:00

Been on four dates with a man, enjoyed our dates and becoming more and more attracted to him. He's 34 and I'm 30, we both have a child each.

Last night the conversation turned sexual over texts and he told me that he struggles to get hard and often doesn't come. He said that we can use other means like tongue and fingers though.

In my experience, men that have this problem so young are either using drugs or too much porn.

It's obviously worked in the past as he has a child, so wouldn't the obvious thing be to look at what has happened since then and sort it rather than just declaring that his dick doesn't work.

I feel bad but it's just given me the ick, I can't really be bothered dealing with anything like that. I would like a normal sex life.

AIBU?

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 07/05/2023 08:02

No, Chuck him back. You’re too young for all of that. And it sounds like he just wants a BJ.

Necrotic · 07/05/2023 08:03

Ewww no I’d never contact him again, who can be arsed with that

Gardenerboo · 07/05/2023 08:05

Go with your gut. Life is too short for bad sex.

Whataninsight · 07/05/2023 08:06

And they say romance is dead

Ingrowncrotchhair · 07/05/2023 08:06

Could be psychological?
but if you don’t want to deal with that, it’s entirely your prerogative. I wouldn’t.

I admire his honesty, tho

Pottedpalm · 07/05/2023 08:08

Yuk.
and you are VU to have ‘gotten’ anything.

Original poster
parenthoodseason · 07/05/2023 08:14

Pottedpalm · 07/05/2023 08:08

Yuk.
and you are VU to have ‘gotten’ anything.

That's just an annoying comment.

OP posts:
Oysterbabe · 07/05/2023 08:16

Definitely chuck him back.
I had a brief relationship with someone suffering from death grip and it was utterly miserable.

QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat · 07/05/2023 10:21

Nope chuck him back. I also have experienced this and you're right, generally too many drugs and/or porn. You are also correct that you can't just say 'that's that and I'm never going to do anything about it' if you want a relationship.

Get out now before you get too attached.

LadyLolaRuben · 07/05/2023 11:01

I've been in your shoes OP. The stress of will it work today or not, will it be my fault, how is he feeling about it all and worrying about him. Its really stressful. It seeps into other parts of the relationship and I started to feel rubbish. Even him telling you sounds like he isn't going to do anything about it and its on you to compromise. Dont! Throw him back

JenniferBarkley · 07/05/2023 11:05

Pottedpalm · 07/05/2023 08:08

Yuk.
and you are VU to have ‘gotten’ anything.

Knew there'd be one making a fool of themselves.

Angebot · 07/05/2023 11:05

Necrotic · 07/05/2023 08:03

Ewww no I’d never contact him again, who can be arsed with that

Definitely this..

Namechangeforthis189 · 07/05/2023 11:09

It feels really cruel saying this but… run.

I am on the verge of ending my relationship over this. Been with him a year and the warning signs were there at the beginning. I didn’t put two and two together though.

Frankly it’s devastating. The hurt and rejection I feel constantly is unbearable and no amount of reassurance that it isn’t me is helping. I wish I’d realised before I started to care about him. It would have been so much easier.

LadyLolaRuben · 07/05/2023 11:24

Namechangeforthis189 · 07/05/2023 11:09

It feels really cruel saying this but… run.

I am on the verge of ending my relationship over this. Been with him a year and the warning signs were there at the beginning. I didn’t put two and two together though.

Frankly it’s devastating. The hurt and rejection I feel constantly is unbearable and no amount of reassurance that it isn’t me is helping. I wish I’d realised before I started to care about him. It would have been so much easier.

Please take your own advice, its becomes more difficult the longer you leave it. But you will break up over it, so better sooner rather than later for both your sakes x

Babycakes6 · 07/05/2023 11:36

Guys like that put so much pressure on you to make it work. You will have to come up with all sorts of stuff- sexy clothing, kink etc, it’s just too much work and effort for something that should happen naturally. Run for the hills

JupiterFortified · 07/05/2023 11:39

Pottedpalm · 07/05/2023 08:08

Yuk.
and you are VU to have ‘gotten’ anything.

Didn’t realise this was an English exam. I’ve ‘gotten’ the ick over your insufferable comment to be honest.

JMSA · 07/05/2023 11:41

If it didn't create the wrong impression and attract weirdos, I'd happily write on my dating profile that any man with sexual issues need not apply.
There's a lot of them out there.

Yanbu BUT at least he has been open with you, and not left it until the bedroom for you to find out.

Purplecatshopaholic · 07/05/2023 11:42

Be grateful for his honesty, and run fast in the opposite direction op.

zingally · 07/05/2023 11:46

Just be wary. Some men use this as a method to get women to stick around. Because they have sex, everything is totally normal, and the man plays the "woo hoo! you cured me! You are literally the only woman I will ever need, you are the winner of sex!" And then it turns nasty. I'm aware I've not explained it very well, but it's definitely a thing.

Follow your gut OP. If it's given you the ick, that's your caveman instinct noping out.

Lampzade · 07/05/2023 11:46

Run for the hills.

Original poster
parenthoodseason · 07/05/2023 13:40

Thanks for all the comments. I'm quite amazed at how instantly this has turned me completely off. I went and had a look at his pictures and I'm just not feeling the same way now. I really just feel meh about him now.

OP posts:
HowDoYouDoWhatYouDoToMeIWishIKnew · 07/05/2023 13:45

I've known 2 men like this.

Both said this was a problem in order to get the woman they were after to try harder in bed, and allowed them to be selfish. They were both pretty open about it to everyone else.

I dated another guy for a year who actually couldn't get hard, he was lovely, but the lack of sex was demoralising, I wouldn't ever date someone who couldn't have sex with me again.

Urgsleepmoresleep · 07/05/2023 13:58

@parenthoodseason i dated a guy for a few months that had issues staying hard and couldn’t come during sex - he had to e himself off at the end.

He was very generous in bed but the not finishing in me destroyed my confidence. He wanted to do it, but it was jackpot if his erection would stay. Suppose I didn’t need to worry about getting pregnant

I remember once getting dressed up and feeling good. Started well but he couldn’t get himself aroused. I felt like a failure and rejected. He promised it wasn’t me but him. I ended it. He admitted it was anxiety

He is now a good friend and occasionally he will mention it as it still affects his relationships. He can’t understand how this affects relationships as he says it’s his issue and it’s not because he doesn’t find people attractive. But sex is important in a relationship.

BreviloquentBastard · 07/05/2023 14:03

I have to wonder if this was a bloke posting saying "met this great girl but she's said she's got vaginismus and also struggles to orgasm, I want a normal sex life and can't be arsed with that sort of thing" what the responses would be like. I suspect quite different.

Saying that I actually agree with pp, it's ok to want a normal sex life that doesn't involve a lot of hoop jumping to make it work, or acceptance of an issue that's probably resolvable with a bit of work on his part. He needs to show willing to solve the problem, not just roll over and go "my dick doesn't work, oh well".

TomatoSandwiches · 07/05/2023 14:09

BreviloquentBastard · 07/05/2023 14:03

I have to wonder if this was a bloke posting saying "met this great girl but she's said she's got vaginismus and also struggles to orgasm, I want a normal sex life and can't be arsed with that sort of thing" what the responses would be like. I suspect quite different.

Saying that I actually agree with pp, it's ok to want a normal sex life that doesn't involve a lot of hoop jumping to make it work, or acceptance of an issue that's probably resolvable with a bit of work on his part. He needs to show willing to solve the problem, not just roll over and go "my dick doesn't work, oh well".

The former isn't usually self induced through drug or porn abuse though.
However I wouldn't hold it against anyone who felt they couldn't be with someone if said person had a sexual issue.