Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have gotten the ick?

59 replies

parenthoodseason · 07/05/2023 08:00

Been on four dates with a man, enjoyed our dates and becoming more and more attracted to him. He's 34 and I'm 30, we both have a child each.

Last night the conversation turned sexual over texts and he told me that he struggles to get hard and often doesn't come. He said that we can use other means like tongue and fingers though.

In my experience, men that have this problem so young are either using drugs or too much porn.

It's obviously worked in the past as he has a child, so wouldn't the obvious thing be to look at what has happened since then and sort it rather than just declaring that his dick doesn't work.

I feel bad but it's just given me the ick, I can't really be bothered dealing with anything like that. I would like a normal sex life.

AIBU?

OP posts:
MaryDoll84 · 07/05/2023 14:12

I've had similar in my last 2 casual relationships-both highly sexed and could get a hard on easy but neither could come. They were both heavy porn users and also heavy drinkers (I don't half pick 'em). It's really done a number on my self esteem as I never had this problem when younger and I keep wondering if it's because I'm too old and less attractive now. I also felt the pressure to try harder/be more sexy to get them off and then was left feeling even worse when they still couldn't come even when I was going 'all out'.
Don't do it to yourself!! You've got the ick now anyway so he wouldn't be the only one unable to get visibly aroused😁

Hobbsy1978 · 07/05/2023 14:16

My now husband told me the same thing - until he slept with me. Turns out his ex wife was terrible in bed. Treat it as a challenge and dump him later if it's really not going to happen. He could be the love of your life!

Whataninsight · 07/05/2023 14:17

Hobbsy1978 · 07/05/2023 14:16

My now husband told me the same thing - until he slept with me. Turns out his ex wife was terrible in bed. Treat it as a challenge and dump him later if it's really not going to happen. He could be the love of your life!

Your one and only ever post on mumsnet 😂

LightlySearedontheRealityGrill · 07/05/2023 14:19

I couldn't be bothered dealing with that either. Some people aren't that keen on sex in the first place, so let him be free to find one of them.

sadsack78 · 07/05/2023 14:46

It's good he disclosed this early on before you entered a relationship.
Four dates in is not much. It's okay to kindly say 'you're a nice dude but not the one for me' if he is giving you the ick this soon. Rejecting people is uncomfortable but it's the kindest thing to do if you're not into him.
Then you both have a chance to find someone who is right for you.

99victoria · 07/05/2023 14:48

Using the phrase 'gotten the ick' would be enough for me to end a relationship with someone 😂

girlfriend44 · 07/05/2023 14:49

parenthoodseason · 07/05/2023 08:00

Been on four dates with a man, enjoyed our dates and becoming more and more attracted to him. He's 34 and I'm 30, we both have a child each.

Last night the conversation turned sexual over texts and he told me that he struggles to get hard and often doesn't come. He said that we can use other means like tongue and fingers though.

In my experience, men that have this problem so young are either using drugs or too much porn.

It's obviously worked in the past as he has a child, so wouldn't the obvious thing be to look at what has happened since then and sort it rather than just declaring that his dick doesn't work.

I feel bad but it's just given me the ick, I can't really be bothered dealing with anything like that. I would like a normal sex life.

AIBU?

It dosent mean that they are using drugs or porn, where did you get that from?

Original poster
parenthoodseason · 07/05/2023 14:52

@girlfriend44 very rare to have this problem at such a young age. And I have dealt with this before and it's been drugs or porn in my experience. Of course there will be exceptions.

OP posts:
dottypotter · 07/05/2023 14:53

Usual crap responses chuck him back, yes like everyone is perfect?

If you like him op, work on it together.

You might find someone else who dosent have this problem, but has others problems.

Nobody has everything they want in a relationship. You've only got to see the amount of problems on here to know that.

Snugglemonkey · 07/05/2023 15:11

parenthoodseason · 07/05/2023 14:52

@girlfriend44 very rare to have this problem at such a young age. And I have dealt with this before and it's been drugs or porn in my experience. Of course there will be exceptions.

It really is not rare at all at a young age. It is often a result of self esteem and confidence issues and nothing to do with drugs or porn.

Neededanewuserhandle · 07/05/2023 15:21

YA automatically BU for "gotten the ick" HTH

Oysterbabe · 07/05/2023 15:22

The ex I had this issue with, it was porn / excessive masterbation. He was so used to wanking VERY hard and VERY fast that a mouth or vagina did not work for him, he could barely feel a thing.

IAmAlreadyRegrettingMyGreyColourScheme · 07/05/2023 15:29

Nah I wouldn't be getting into that either.

WilkinsonM · 07/05/2023 15:30

Whether it's drugs, porn or just a random medical issue it wouldn't work for me and I would not be spending my time investing in the relationship. Perhaps that's harsh but I don't care.

Whataninsight · 07/05/2023 15:38

parenthoodseason · 07/05/2023 14:52

@girlfriend44 very rare to have this problem at such a young age. And I have dealt with this before and it's been drugs or porn in my experience. Of course there will be exceptions.

It sounds like you have a pretty awful relationship history

Original poster
parenthoodseason · 07/05/2023 15:39

@Whataninsight are you suggesting it's my fault?

OP posts:
Whataninsight · 07/05/2023 15:40

I think a good benchmark is if you’re starting a thread about a new partner of all of 4 dates and it includes the expression “ick”…. It’s a relationship that is circling the drain

Whataninsight · 07/05/2023 15:40

parenthoodseason · 07/05/2023 15:39

@Whataninsight are you suggesting it's my fault?

Not in the slightest

That perhaps you need to be become a little more savvy with who you are in a relationship with

piedbeauty · 07/05/2023 15:54

Whataninsight · 07/05/2023 08:06

And they say romance is dead

👏👏😂😂

That's an unusual confession so early, isn't it?

piedbeauty · 07/05/2023 15:57

Hobbsy1978 · 07/05/2023 14:16

My now husband told me the same thing - until he slept with me. Turns out his ex wife was terrible in bed. Treat it as a challenge and dump him later if it's really not going to happen. He could be the love of your life!

🙄🙄🙄 Right. And didn't he have words to use to tell her what would turn him on? No, no, much better to blame the woman 🙄🙄 if she exists.

Original poster
parenthoodseason · 07/05/2023 15:58

I've just read back the message. I'd had a few glasses of wine when we were texting. He said he can't get hard or cum when he's had a drink. Whoops my mistake.

OP posts:
piedbeauty · 07/05/2023 15:58

dottypotter · 07/05/2023 14:53

Usual crap responses chuck him back, yes like everyone is perfect?

If you like him op, work on it together.

You might find someone else who dosent have this problem, but has others problems.

Nobody has everything they want in a relationship. You've only got to see the amount of problems on here to know that.

Why should she?? Sex is supposed to work. Why should she take on his hang-ups and problems??

Ingrowncrotchhair · 07/05/2023 16:08

parenthoodseason · 07/05/2023 14:52

@girlfriend44 very rare to have this problem at such a young age. And I have dealt with this before and it's been drugs or porn in my experience. Of course there will be exceptions.

@parenthoodseason my only other thought is antidepressants also have this effect.

but stand by my comment that if you don’t want to deal with that, it is your right

Ingrowncrotchhair · 07/05/2023 16:08

parenthoodseason · 07/05/2023 15:58

I've just read back the message. I'd had a few glasses of wine when we were texting. He said he can't get hard or cum when he's had a drink. Whoops my mistake.

😂😂😂😂

trostra · 07/05/2023 16:09

You're allowed to stop dating someone over anything and I've definitely got the ick for things far more minor than this Blush @parenthoodseason

However I have vulovydynia which basically makes me the female equivalent of this. No one has to date me if they're not happy with penetrative sex not always being an option, but I'd be pretty bummed if everyone felt it made me a no go zone.

I think it's a little unfair to assume his ED is due to drugs or a porn addiction, just as it would be to assume my symptoms are due to trauma or assault.