baby... is this a harmful/sub optimal environment?

[imelp]

Single mum to a seven month old, maternity leave us ongoing. Our days are all the same, nice routine, a few toys, once a week watches me cook, fifteen mins story time a day, one bath a day. Three days a week we might do a walk. Once a week we go to the supermarket.

On average we see people once a week (my mum) for two hours and she will talk and play. Obviously there is interaction sometimes when we are out on a walk, dc might see a dog or someone will say hello, same in supermarket. But they basically just see me, day in day out and obviously my reserves are low as I am constantly looking after them…I’m not always fully engaging etc.

I have started to really panic about their development. They will be at nursery at age one and I am scared they’ve had no real interaction with others. They seem happier around more people too and this upsets me. Am I doing things wrong? How can I do better if so?

My life used to be very similar to yours.

Your baby will be absolutely fine but I do think you should both socialise more as I found I got so used to not seeing people that it gave me anxiety which did start having an effect on my DD so I had to force myself to get out more and socialise.

You don’t need to see people every day and your child needs to learn to occupy themselves but I’d look into a couple of different activities like going to soft play, the park, play groups, swimming etc which means you can both become more social and make some friends to have play dates with.

If I could have my time again I would have definitely tried to be more sociable.

Well given she's asking and doesn't appear to be really going anywhere, it will probably be good for the baby and for her, get her out of her comfort zone, out of the house and meeting some new people. Anxious parents result in anxious children 🤷‍♀️

Don't worry, I barely did anything and didn't do baby groups on my mat leave. I was enjoying the nothingness of not being at work and just being with my baby. She started nursery at 9 months and is a social butterfly now at 18months. I did like to get out most days tho and went for a walk with the pram, she enjoyed that, I was Asda's best customer 🤣 (we live in walking distance). Even now my days off we tend to laze around, she plays, we read, I do housework etc..... and we have a walk locally and to Asda 🤣 don't worry xxx

To add to to that I always think this is the time to enjoy simplicity as soon she'll be desperate to get out to the park and go places to play 🤣

I'd take them to some baby groups/baby sensory classes or those free/cheap church groups (they're not religious groups just held in church halls and usually have snacks and tea and coffee)

I don't enjoy them but DD loves them, I was always too nervous to go so didn't start taking her until 10 months and she absolutely loved it

I didn't go to baby groups with either of my children and they are both very sociable and happy

Your baby will be perfectly fine and will probably really enjoy nursery

Is there a soft play nearby? You'd need to supervise but there'll be other babies and mums there.

Anxious parents result in anxious children 🤷‍♀️

Not a fact

I took DS to council mum and baby swim sessions - it was about £20 per month, so pretty reasonable. Or you could just go swimming with DS by yourself (the lessons gave me the confidence to take DS and know what to do with him).

I also used to take DS out on long walks once a week, in the sling, and chat to him about everything we were seeing (I probably sounded like a madwoman but it’s not like anyone was following us to listen “Look DS, what kind of bird is that, I think it’s a pigeon. Now which way do we go, is it left or right, let’s look at the map, oh, left. Ooh look at that view, can’t we see for miles!”). Seemed to like it.

Aside from that, DM came round once a week, and DS came round the supermarket with me once a week. Babies under 1 don’t need much beyond their mum talking to them and playing with them.

Don't you have local friends? I'd go along to baby groups and meet new people - good for you and baby.

What about the baby's dad? Is he in the picture?

I felt similar. I used to narrate my own life and involve the little one in everything I did. It took longer but id strip beds by moving him to different parts as I untucked each corner etc. He loved it. I also would open up the Tupperware drawer from about eight months or so, and also sometimes handover a spatula and he’d play while I cut veggies.

I did get out every single day. I walked most days and then would also meet friends for coffee etc. We also did swimming lessons just to change things up a bit. I’d go to the supermarket multiple times a week for small shops.

I would make sure that each awake time that I had at least half an hours focused play/chat/read as well as taking him along while I did chores (also, babies love clothes pegs!)

Then I just relaxed when he slept as everything was done.

Your baby will be fine. My first saw absolutely no one but me and her sad for basically nine months (lockdown) and I was wasn't exactly a socialite with my second either - I'm just not a baby groups kind of person.

Both started nursery at nine months and after a week or so of adjustment they were fine. My oldest is now a confident, friendly 2.5 yr old.

It’s very prescriptive and is very limited.

I went out every day, we had lunch in a little cafe twice a week and the staff made a big fuss. I used to put DS in a crèche at the gym and go once a week for a morning. Did one baby group and as much as it wasn’t exactly my thing he got used to being around a lot more people so when he went to nursery it was not so much of a shock. He also interacted with other babies.

Sounds like you are a bit anxious or down, also unsure of your financial position so me saying I did those things, they had a cost so possibly not possible. The playgroup was at a church and really cheap.

If baby is moving a bit I'd add in soft play, one with a toddler friendly area. My daughter loved it when she was small, both crawling into and off things and also watching other kids going round.

This.

Wow thanks for the replies.

A lot of people have asked why I don’t go out more… laziness? I think. I’m also a bit embarrassed my relationship is over when baby is so young. I suppose I have hidden away a bit. Im also quite happy doing my own thing as I know before long I will be back at work and that will be very demanding again. I just worry I’m not doing the best for dc. I know some babies this age have been abroad etc even! We have money and usually I like to do lots of things but often I find just getting the day done with less hassle is easier… so I’ve come full circle and I guess my first answer was right, mostly laziness!!

yes I talk to them, ask them things etc, but not all day. Sometimes the tv is on or music or they’re in their bouncer. I suppose I just feel anxious that they seem happier around more people and obviously I can’t give them that as it’s just me.

Also I’m not anxious about going out, I’m confident chatting to new people etc. It’s not really that, I find babygroups etc really painful 😂🤦🏼‍♀️

Are you not lonely? It sounds a very solitary existence. What do you do all day?

So you absolutely don’t have to talk at them constantly whenever they are awake, but if you’re mostly on your own with your baby then you are the totality of their language input. TV and radio can contribute a bit but by itself those things will not lead to a baby learning to speak. The interaction is key. Unfortunately this is known from cases of neglect where parents did not speak to their children and the children did not acquire language until removed from their parent’s care.
But that’s an extreme situation. You do talk to your baby so they will be fine. Remember everything is new and exciting for them and experiences don’t need to be expensive exotic or involve much effort to organize. Popping out to the park/shops/friends’ houses/library/soft play/swimming pool all counts. It sounds like you’re a bit worried about this, so I’d add in a couple of things for you own peace of mind. Reading books is great - it makes you spend time speaking to your baby and involves words you might not use with them otherwise (good for vocab acquisition), and your child will likely soon start to obviously love it. I really rate Chris Haughton’s books for tiny ones. But it doesn’t really matter what books you use as long as you like them so you read them.
Seeing other babies and children is nice but not crucial at this age, and if the plan is nursery at 1 then that will cover the peer socialisation fine. You don’t have to do baby and toddler groups if you hate them.
Once your baby starts crawling and cruising and running away from you, you will spend loads of time talking to them to tell them not to do/touch/eat/throw that!

Mother & baby groups were a lifeline to me! Your baby will be fine, and I'm sure you're a great mum. Would probably be best if you tried to be less insular though.

Oh your DC will be fine but I’d practise getting out every single morning with them and having a quiet afternoon. As soon as they are mobile/chatty, staying in is genuinely hell on earth and you’ll realise why baby and toddler groups exist. I’ve barely held a conversation with anyone at one toddler group I go to because I’m chasing around my DC but I go every week because he loves it and (crucially) he’s exhausted when he comes home so we get a good two hour nap.

Please don't be embarrassed, no one will think twice about you being out alone with a baby, most mums are alone in the day whether they have a partner or not.

Your baby will be absolutely fine, but I would definitely try and get out for a walk everyday, for you and them.

Baby groups, absolute hell on earth, but they are not all the same to be fair.

I will not go anywhere that doesn't provide a cup of tea and a biscuit or that requires me to do any kind of singing. I see baby groups as solely for my child (who thinks it's brilliant) and the ones I go to always seem to have equal numbers of mums who chat together and others who sit down with a drink and stare in to the abyss for 30 mins.

Also when your baby is crawling you really don't have to talk to anyone because you just follow them around trying to stop them from killing themselves.

The Weather is getting better, so maybe mix it up with a few trips to the park, feed the ducks, visit a zoo or farm? If you have a sling get out and walk more or even around the shops. They are happy with you, but you also need some time out of the house, some fresh air so maybe a walk every day will break things up a bit?

Not everyone likes baby groups, but there are a few different ones, find one that interests you, that will motivate you to go?
…..plus swimming with your baby is good too!