Finances and relationships

Gemmygem81 · 2023-05-05T20:22:53+00:00

So I met my So just over 3 years ago, I had a home and a dog he had 50% custody of his 2 children. I sold my home and moved in to his home with the agreement that I would pay for an extension buying into his property. Months later his parents offered to pay for the extension to save on inheritance tax, he agreed without consultation. He has said I can just live in his home and pay him rent forever and when he dies he will leave it to the kids with the understanding I canine there until I die. He thinks this is OK, I am not happy with it as i don't feel equal, raised it several times with no resolution. I do at least 50% of the child care and pack for holidays buy clothes etc. He expects me to pay half when we all go out to eat or go on holiday. I have now found out that I've been paying over 50% of the cost to live there as well as contributing 50% to the food shopping. He earns at least 30% more than me. He feels that this is fair and I should pay half and that it's fair for me never to own my own home and justice with him in his home. I have had to dop into my savings from my home to afford to cover 50% of activity costs. Am I being unreasonable to think this is unfair? He does not pay maintenance for his children as 50/50 custody and they each put £30 a month with family allowance to pay for school things and clubs.

missmollygreen · 05/05/2023 21:25

Can you buy half the house from him?

Pammela · 05/05/2023 21:25

No, this is not ok.

If you split he’d still have a house that you have contributed and helped to pay for. He seemed happy to take your money when he wanted an extension and now doesn’t seem to want you to benefit in any way.

Have you suggested that you could both ring fence your deposits but share in any joint equity created?

Dontbelieveaword · 05/05/2023 21:39

Buy your own property and move out while you can still afford it. Let him do his own childcare, pack for holidays etc.
He's treating you like a mug

Dontbelieveaword · 05/05/2023 21:40

missmollygreen · 05/05/2023 21:25

Can you buy half the house from him?

She's already said he's reneged on this arrangement/agreement in the OP

DucksNewburyport · 05/05/2023 21:43

You should not be doing 50% of the childcare OP, or paying 50% of the holidays when his kids are going. Do you think he's using you?

ConsuelaHammock · 05/05/2023 21:43

Move out and buy your own home. No man is worth being treated like a tenant. You’ll have more money and won’t have to look after his children or pay for them either.

Paq · 05/05/2023 21:44

ConsuelaHammock · 05/05/2023 21:43

Move out and buy your own home. No man is worth being treated like a tenant. You’ll have more money and won’t have to look after his children or pay for them either.

This!

Elenorrigbywoes · 05/05/2023 21:45

Run 🏃‍♀️ 🏃‍♀️ 🏃‍♀️ this is not an equal relationship and never will be.

ConsuelaHammock · 05/05/2023 21:46

How old are you? If you’re quite young then don’t waste your life with this man. If you’re older then find someone without children. I wouldn’t raise someone else’s children and definitely wouldn’t pay for them.

Merryoldgoat · 05/05/2023 21:48

Why are you still there?!

Rosecottage888 · 05/05/2023 21:51

Please run!

TunnocksOrDeath · 05/05/2023 21:51

Could you re-invest the cash in a small property somewhere and rent it out, to keep a 'home' of your own? Its all well and good him promising to give you a life entitlement to live at his house (that your rent is helping him buy!) but there are loads of reasons why this may not work:

a) he could change his will without telling you
b) he could include you in the will, but his children could contest his will after his death and win.
c) he could sell it before he dies and start renting
d) you could split up
e) the unusually generous inheritance tax thresholds we have now could change and his children could just be forced to sell from under you to pay the tax bill.
f) he might need to sell it to pay for care in his old age
g) he might do equity release and not get it included in the contract that you get to stay there until you die ( the finance company typically recoups on death of the owner)

if he loves you, he will be able to talk about this constructively.

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/05/2023 21:59

He’s massively taking the piss. What are you getting from this arrangement that justifies it?

Mark19735 · 05/05/2023 22:44

That's blended families for you. Are they just his children or yours? I don't mean biologically, I mean emotionally. Are you hoping to have further children with him, or is this the extent of your family now? If you feel like you are just providing childcare and support for someone else's children, then you are being mugged off - but arguably, so is he, if he thinks your relationship is deeper than this. If you are building and contributing to a family and love these children as if they were your own, then you aren't being hard done by at all. After all, you've got the proceeds from the sale of your house, right? And you'd want what's best for them too, right? So why would you need to own equity or protect yourself from them ... raise them right and they'll love you just as much as any biological child would love their parents. Not sure why you'd treat them any differently (or why other posters are suggesting you'd be justified in doing so).

determinedtomakethiswork · 05/05/2023 22:59

I would get the hell out of there. I just don't know how people can stand to live like that. You were independent and now he is charging you fucking rent? Get your own place.

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/05/2023 23:00

Mark19735 · 05/05/2023 22:44

That's blended families for you. Are they just his children or yours? I don't mean biologically, I mean emotionally. Are you hoping to have further children with him, or is this the extent of your family now? If you feel like you are just providing childcare and support for someone else's children, then you are being mugged off - but arguably, so is he, if he thinks your relationship is deeper than this. If you are building and contributing to a family and love these children as if they were your own, then you aren't being hard done by at all. After all, you've got the proceeds from the sale of your house, right? And you'd want what's best for them too, right? So why would you need to own equity or protect yourself from them ... raise them right and they'll love you just as much as any biological child would love their parents. Not sure why you'd treat them any differently (or why other posters are suggesting you'd be justified in doing so).

Not sure whether to laugh or cry at this load of cobblers.

Aquamarine1029 · 05/05/2023 23:04

Why on earth did you sell your house?

Get the fuck out of there and buy your own home before you lose the chance forever. He really saw you coming.

Aquamarine1029 · 05/05/2023 23:05

Mark19735 · 05/05/2023 22:44

That's blended families for you. Are they just his children or yours? I don't mean biologically, I mean emotionally. Are you hoping to have further children with him, or is this the extent of your family now? If you feel like you are just providing childcare and support for someone else's children, then you are being mugged off - but arguably, so is he, if he thinks your relationship is deeper than this. If you are building and contributing to a family and love these children as if they were your own, then you aren't being hard done by at all. After all, you've got the proceeds from the sale of your house, right? And you'd want what's best for them too, right? So why would you need to own equity or protect yourself from them ... raise them right and they'll love you just as much as any biological child would love their parents. Not sure why you'd treat them any differently (or why other posters are suggesting you'd be justified in doing so).

FFS. This isn't Fantasy Camp.

Dontbelieveaword · 05/05/2023 23:11

Mark19735 · 05/05/2023 22:44

That's blended families for you. Are they just his children or yours? I don't mean biologically, I mean emotionally. Are you hoping to have further children with him, or is this the extent of your family now? If you feel like you are just providing childcare and support for someone else's children, then you are being mugged off - but arguably, so is he, if he thinks your relationship is deeper than this. If you are building and contributing to a family and love these children as if they were your own, then you aren't being hard done by at all. After all, you've got the proceeds from the sale of your house, right? And you'd want what's best for them too, right? So why would you need to own equity or protect yourself from them ... raise them right and they'll love you just as much as any biological child would love their parents. Not sure why you'd treat them any differently (or why other posters are suggesting you'd be justified in doing so).

Oh please. People just never cease to amaze me. So he's got himself a lodger who pays more than 50% of bills, cares for his kids, pays for their holidays, clothes, meals, activities, he's gone back on his word about her buying into house, knows she's using up all her own savings anyway paying for all this shit and she is expected to believe that he'll make provisions to let her live in house rent free after his death and she's to be happy about this cos the children are 'emotionally' herself? Sure, why not? Sounds like she's found herself a peach and shouldn't worry about her financial future at all. And after all, that's the way blended famines work, eh?

Yousee · 05/05/2023 23:16

Mark19735 · 05/05/2023 22:44

That's blended families for you. Are they just his children or yours? I don't mean biologically, I mean emotionally. Are you hoping to have further children with him, or is this the extent of your family now? If you feel like you are just providing childcare and support for someone else's children, then you are being mugged off - but arguably, so is he, if he thinks your relationship is deeper than this. If you are building and contributing to a family and love these children as if they were your own, then you aren't being hard done by at all. After all, you've got the proceeds from the sale of your house, right? And you'd want what's best for them too, right? So why would you need to own equity or protect yourself from them ... raise them right and they'll love you just as much as any biological child would love their parents. Not sure why you'd treat them any differently (or why other posters are suggesting you'd be justified in doing so).

I'm fairly certain this is a joke but with so much utter fuckwittery blowing around as soon as stepmothers and stepchildren are involved it can sometimes be hard to tell the difference.

OP, this guy is essentially stealing from you. He's a fucking parasite. Flick him off before you catch something nasty from him.

Justleaveitblankthen · 05/05/2023 23:37

I think he has had some quiet chats with his parents along the way.

You have been shafted out of owning your own home or half of his, whilst still remaining chief child care provider for his children.
Not to even mention the financial aspect you subsidise.

No fucking way.

I would be packing my bags and getting back on the ladder.

Hont1986 · 06/05/2023 00:36

Sounds like he's been reading Mumsnet and putting the usual advice into practice. A woman who owns her home with two kids would be told to do the exact same things that he has done.

Naddd · 06/05/2023 00:52

What are you getting out of this? Any of it?
He is massively taking the mick. You have been paying for over 50% of all costs? Why?

Why are you paying anything at all for his kids!? He doesn't see you as a partner or equal at all! Keep paying him rent forever 😂🤣

Dontknownow86 · 06/05/2023 01:26

Stop doing 50% of the childcare. They aren't your kids and that fact will become all too apparent if you split.

You are being treated as free labour and paying for the privilege. The financial distribution is even more unbalanced when you consider you are also paying to feed and house other peoples children. What would your living costs be if it was just the two of you? I can guarantee it would be far less.

Liorae · 06/05/2023 01:33

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/05/2023 23:00

Not sure whether to laugh or cry at this load of cobblers.

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😂