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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Finances and relationships

63 replies

Gemmygem81 · 05/05/2023 21:22

So I met my So just over 3 years ago, I had a home and a dog he had 50% custody of his 2 children. I sold my home and moved in to his home with the agreement that I would pay for an extension buying into his property. Months later his parents offered to pay for the extension to save on inheritance tax, he agreed without consultation. He has said I can just live in his home and pay him rent forever and when he dies he will leave it to the kids with the understanding I canine there until I die. He thinks this is OK, I am not happy with it as i don't feel equal, raised it several times with no resolution.
I do at least 50% of the child care and pack for holidays buy clothes etc. He expects me to pay half when we all go out to eat or go on holiday.
I have now found out that I've been paying over 50% of the cost to live there as well as contributing 50% to the food shopping.
He earns at least 30% more than me.
He feels that this is fair and I should pay half and that it's fair for me never to own my own home and justice with him in his home. I have had to dop into my savings from my home to afford to cover 50% of activity costs. Am I being unreasonable to think this is unfair?
He does not pay maintenance for his children as 50/50 custody and they each put £30 a month with family allowance to pay for school things and clubs.

OP posts:
Yousee · 06/05/2023 15:16

@Mark19735 I'm sure we would all love to hear your thoughts on what this relationship brings to OPs life that makes it worth her while?
You can't accuse her of being "transactional" and also claim this man is quite right to charge his childrens expenses to her as the price of the privilege of her insecure relationship with him.
Can't you see how ridiculous your position is? Why shouldn't he continue to pay for his own children? What kind of dweeb would drain the finances of a woman earning less than him - who he's not even married - to like this? An abusive one.

Original poster
Gemmygem81 · 06/05/2023 15:54

I've left him now, hearing these opinions was the push I needed as he felt that this was a fair arrangement. I am living with my dad while I buy my own property.
I sold my home as I left my job, when I initially moved in I was unemployed but still paid "rent" to live there while I found another role. I was spending a lot of time there so thought it made sense as we had an agreement.

Another poster has suggested I wanted a 50% share in his home, that's not true I wanted a proportional ownership or to buy somewhere together, I didn't want his money but wanted to protect myself financially.

Thank you for all your opinions.

OP posts:
Dontbelieveaword · 06/05/2023 16:02

@Gemmygem81 so glad you've made that decision. I know it can't have been an easy but you are worth so much more.

However, I'm not sure who's going to be more gutted you've not realised the opportunities for a happy, safe, secure future you have given up - your ex or @Mark19735 😂

billy1966 · 06/05/2023 16:21

Well done, it's not an easy decision.

You were wasting your time and money and clearly being happily used for childcare.

Confused5678 · 06/05/2023 16:28

I’d end this relationship .

Floofydawg · 06/05/2023 16:36

What everyone else has already said. And I say this as a stepmum. But I see you've seen the light so 👍 Let's hope he doesn't find some other poor mug.

monsteramunch · 06/05/2023 16:44

@Mark19735

OP thinks that contributing 10% of value of his home ought to buy her 50% of equity in the home where her SO raises his 2 kids.

Except you've literally made this up and she didn't say she thinks that at all...

Mark19735 · 06/05/2023 16:47

Sounds like the right decision was made. Everyone's a winner. The MN collective can chalk up another win!

@Yousee - I don't have any opinion at all on what was in it for the OP. Maybe she's a real catch and he's utter dross (the default presumption on these sorts of MN threads)? But maybe he's a dreamboat and she's a dog? (On the balance of probabilities, this is just as likely as the first scenario, but somehow this never occurs to the MN army). Most likely both are just average, and he was indeed getting a better deal out of this situation than she was. Fact is, none of us know either way. The only thing that can be said for sure is that for this couple, at this time, he's not a keeper (in her eyes) because he cares more about his kids than her, and she's not marriage material (in his eyes) and certainly not 'combine our assets' -worthy, so it sounds like both are better off out of it. Everyone's a winner.

Dontbelieveaword · 06/05/2023 16:57

Mark19735 · 06/05/2023 16:47

Sounds like the right decision was made. Everyone's a winner. The MN collective can chalk up another win!

@Yousee - I don't have any opinion at all on what was in it for the OP. Maybe she's a real catch and he's utter dross (the default presumption on these sorts of MN threads)? But maybe he's a dreamboat and she's a dog? (On the balance of probabilities, this is just as likely as the first scenario, but somehow this never occurs to the MN army). Most likely both are just average, and he was indeed getting a better deal out of this situation than she was. Fact is, none of us know either way. The only thing that can be said for sure is that for this couple, at this time, he's not a keeper (in her eyes) because he cares more about his kids than her, and she's not marriage material (in his eyes) and certainly not 'combine our assets' -worthy, so it sounds like both are better off out of it. Everyone's a winner.

So it's all about looks? If OP is punching, it's right that she's left. If ex was punching, she should consider herself lucky that someone was willing to let her look after and pay for his kids, use all her savings, be grateful that he gave her a second glance?

Why do you keep putting words in OP'S mouth. Where did she say she's unhappy because he cares more about his kids than her?

What an utterly charming person you are. I'd like to make a few assumptions of my own about your own personal life but you're not worth getting banned for. Have a lovely weekend 💐

HoboSexualOnslow · 06/05/2023 17:23

Well done, OP. He's a gold digger.

CheersForThatEh · 06/05/2023 17:39

Duplicitous little shit.

FinallyHere · 06/05/2023 19:19

Good on you OP for realising what was going on and taking action on it.

All the best, you have dodged a bullet.

Rainbowqueeen · 07/05/2023 05:04

Well done OP.
Good luck with your house hunting

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