Finances and relationships

[Gemmygem81]

So I met my So just over 3 years ago, I had a home and a dog he had 50% custody of his 2 children. I sold my home and moved in to his home with the agreement that I would pay for an extension buying into his property. Months later his parents offered to pay for the extension to save on inheritance tax, he agreed without consultation. He has said I can just live in his home and pay him rent forever and when he dies he will leave it to the kids with the understanding I canine there until I die. He thinks this is OK, I am not happy with it as i don't feel equal, raised it several times with no resolution.
I do at least 50% of the child care and pack for holidays buy clothes etc. He expects me to pay half when we all go out to eat or go on holiday.
I have now found out that I've been paying over 50% of the cost to live there as well as contributing 50% to the food shopping.
He earns at least 30% more than me.
He feels that this is fair and I should pay half and that it's fair for me never to own my own home and justice with him in his home. I have had to dop into my savings from my home to afford to cover 50% of activity costs. Am I being unreasonable to think this is unfair?
He does not pay maintenance for his children as 50/50 custody and they each put £30 a month with family allowance to pay for school things and clubs.

Honestly op, being a step parent is so thankless anyway. It's hard to be objective about a relationship when there are kids involved because its easy to be guilted into feeling like you are just a horrible person for establishing some boundaries. You end up allowing far worse behaviour than you might from a partner without kids because they trot out the wicked stepmother cliches of you hate my kids etc. It's a really effective form of gaslighting for women, especially those that are quite loving / caring.

I sold my home and moved in to his home

So. You gave up your own security? For what?!

Some women still believe in the fairy story = they lived happily ever after =

I have my house, I will NEVER give it up. As a solo mum it's still also DS #crash pad#.

Housing being the shit it is nowadays.

My lovely neighbours have been married over 30 years. Still each got their own place. They need it to WFH and he has a son that drops by. Perfect solution.

You were extremely unwise to sell your own property, and with it your financial security, to move in with this arsehole and become his tenant. If you split up as things stand (unmarried) then you would end up with nothing. You are extremely vulnerable here while he has it made, with free childcare on tap

Get your own place again if at all possible and move back out. Never again give up your security for anyone else.

Are you happy in the relationship other than this? I would buy my own place hopefully close by and stay over at each other’s places but don’t actually live together. You can help with childcare when it suits you, you only have to pick up after yourself, only pay for yourself when you all go out and only a quarter of holiday costs. It’s great to be a part of his family, but with your own space. You can have the best of both worlds. Don’t fund his lifestyle, if you split you will be left with nothing.

This

Don't mess around. Get out now

Set yourself up financially, again, and stop giving him money and stop helping him

Your partner must be congratulating himself on securing a lifetime paying tenant who he can also get to look after and fund his kids. He’s hugely taking advantage. You definitely need to establish some boundaries. Personally I’d be clear that either paying into the house gives you a stake in the home, or stop paying and would limit my contribution to 50% of the bills (and be paying nothing child related at all!) and be clear that your contribution is as a step parent and member of the household, not a tenant. I’d be pretty firm that you cannot give up your financial security for his financial gain and it’s very unreasonable for him to expect you to do this.

Do you have much from the sale of your property? Hopefully you’ve made sure that’s invested wisely and you have a good pension? I’d prioritize that to make sure the sake of your house wasn’t in vain. I’d also stop paying him ‘rent’ until you’d discussed and resolved these issues.

She is dipping into that to pay 50% towards activities!

I really hope the op does listen and sorts things out. The way things are going she will be left with nothing

Maybe the bit about not giving her a share in the house. But a woman coming on to MN and saying she expected her new partner to do 50% of the childcare for her kids would definitely be told she was being unreasonable.

It’s not remotely fair. He is profiting from you but he could ask you to move out tomorrow and you’d have absolutely no rights.

I’d stop paying anything immediately and stop doing any childcare. He has reneged on the agreement that would have given you security so why should you continue to support him?
Id also be looking to move out Anyone who thinks this is fair is not someone you can trust in any way and trust is essential to a successful relationship.

My mum had this EXACT situation for ten years. Then one day he woke up and ditched her for someone else, she was homeless overnight with nothing to fall back on. No savings as she'd been contributing to HIS children.

He married the next woman and she inherited thousands when he died young.

My mum had to start from scratch,

Move out and get your own place OP. This man doesn't care enough about you to want you to be secure.

He saw you coming OP.

Stop acting like a mug, and leave.

Assuming he hasn’t rinsed you of all your house sale money yet, buy a new home for yourself and dog. You could always continue to date him without being his live in childcare who pays for the privilege.

Or do you think he would just replace you with some other fool?

I hope you come to your senses and stand up for yourself.

I am struggling to even see this as a question of fairness. He is entitled not to have you buy into his house (or whatever it is you want). If you don’t like the deal on offer - and to be clear neither would I - then you don’t have to live there. Beyond me why you sold your property without sorting out a suitable alternative.

As a aside, it is needless to say if you were the house owner with the two children, the majority of mumsnetters would tell you to make sure your new partner never got to stake a claim in the house. Of course you are told the opposite because of the usual anti-men sentiment. 🙄

So you're a bit like a nanny but you also provide sex and give him money?

In the unlikely event that this is real, go and buy whatever house you can afford. When it's completed, move in. Never see him again.

They agreed she would pay for a share in his house. He changed his mind. (But charges rent).

Nothing like the scenario you're describing

You are very very foolish and are being used as a really dim MUG.

Move out and leave him to his childcare.

How could you be SO foolish.

Sounds like you’re being used. Ditch him and get your own place.

This is the type of scenario your silliness is setting yourself up for.

Skivvy aupair, paying him to be used by him.

Wasting your money.

A user like him would make a mug like you homeless in a heartbeat.

Wake up to your foolishness or don't be surprised at the above result.

He saw you coming thats for sure.

If you don't love his kids and consider time spent raising them 'free childcare' ...
and if you don't trust him and consider yourself to be a lodger ...
then you already have your answer.

There's no law or moral obligation saying you have to love his children and take on the step parent role ... but it's really not surprising at all that this is what he wants, and if you aren't able to fulfil that role perhaps it is better that you end the relationship. Just don't pretend that you are somehow a victim if that happens.

OPs partner has found her thread!

Really? Sounds like this to me. OP had a property which she sold. There's no mention of equity, which is the important thing ... but proceeds from sale are referred to as 'savings' rather than 'lump sum' and appear to be matched in size to the cost of an extension ... there's potentially a wide range here, which the OP hasn't revealed, but if average UK house costs £280k and the average extension costs £30k, it seems that OP might have equity of about 10% of a family home. OP thinks that contributing 10% of value of his home ought to buy her 50% of equity in the home where her SO raises his 2 kids. Maybe that's fair, maybe that's not ... depends on lots of other factors.
She earns less than him. She describes expenditure on family activities and holidays in terms that can best be described as transactional.
OP wants 'equality' in a familial setup that actually has 4 people. She thinks fair means getting a 50% stake in the assets of the family, and thinks that contributing 50% of the costs should earn her that. But that is a basic accounting error. Running costs and Asset values are different. The former is a P&L account, the latter is a balance sheet. Believing that a three-year relationship justifies merging the financial interests of the parties on a 50:50 basis is very outdated. It's what getting married used to mean. But thirty-plus years of caselaw from the Family Courts means people are rightly wary about this. Note also that they aren't married.
The SO is her partner, but he is also a dad, looking out for his kids - so good for him for doing right by them. He should be applauded. There's a reason why fairy tales warn of wicked stepmothers, and the attitudes displayed on this thread show exactly why that is. Trust works both ways, and has to be earned. Getting married might be a good start. As would acknowledging the kids as legitimate interested parties in this discussion. And in the meantime, there's nothing preventing the OP investing her savings in an ISA or a pension - both of which are likely to provide her with better financial security in the short term than property (although that's a different thread entirely).

Either you are a parent with an equal say in which case you can say no to activities or meals out when you can’t afford it or he pays for his kids. Stop paying ‘rent’. Fair share of bills yes. Rent no. As he doesn’t want you to claim a financial interest he is an idiot to make you pay rent as a court could see anything above 50% bills as a financial entitlement to a share of the house. Use the money you save in ‘rent’ and your savings to invest elsewhere. Don’t use your savings if you can’t afford something then say no. I understand why he would protect his house for himself and his kids but he should also understand you want the same security and will be using your money after bills to build up your own assets/buy a house.

You were very foolish to begin with. Had you set out and discussed all financials with him this wouldn't be happening? You paying for half of everything and his kids wouldn't have happened if you didn't agree to that in the first place? Why would you sell your home and make such a bad financial move without ensuring these things were ironed out?

Basically this, op you were very foolish to have just walked into this. Who sells their home and not discuss the details??

This is absolutely awful that he has changed the goal posts. You sold your house on a promise that he has changed his mind on without your input.

And he earns more than you and yet you're paying more than 50pc of costs...it should be in proportion to your salaries as a minimum and you shouldn't be paying for his kids as that's treating them as a family and sharing with them, when he is not treating you as family and sharing what he has with you. He is massively massively financially benefitting from this arrangement while you're dipping into savings - how is that right?

I'd either split as it sounds like youd be better off. Or buy your own investment flat or something and pay him a nominal rent. And by nominal rent I mean the rent for a lodger, and then take off what I pay towards kids stuff (or stop paying for kids stuff).

He has really played you if you even need to ask if his 'what's yours is mine but whats mine is just mine's attitude

He saw you coming.

I can't believe you gave up your home and independence to be this man's skivvy and to pay for the privilege!