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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think nobody this nice can be genuine?

65 replies

cekert · 05/05/2023 19:29

Or am I just cynical?

I have a 1.5 year old and my partner left when dc was a few weeks old. A man I had known for many years who did diy (paid) for us, came to know about the breakdown of the relationship when I asked him to do additional house jobs when dp left. It was the same stuff we always asked him to help with but I guess more often as I had my hands full with a baby alone. My understanding was he did odd jobs for lots of people and has a part time job where he’s also employed. Really nice person, married with two kids of his own, around 15 years my senior (I’m mid 30s).

Since DP left he has been in regular contact, sending stuff for my dc, asking how I am etc. At first I thought it was really lovely, we had an Xmas card from him, his wife and kids etc, and although I found the gifts for dc too much, he just seemed to be really excited about buying things for dc. It got to the point where a couple of months back I had to say thanks for the stuff but honestly i can’t accept anything more even on my DC’s behalf. He said ok and asked if he’d offered me etc and I said no and just tried to distance myself a bit. It’s odd as I’ve known him years and he’s never been remotely inappropriate so I don’t think it’s that. Anyway, he recently started saying he wanted to paint the garage door (desperately needs doing and is obvious). I said I had a friend who was going to do it but thanked him and again tried to reduce the contact as I felt it was too much.

I don’t feel it’s like he sees me as someone in distress as the break up was now a while ago and whilst I found it hard initially I didn’t share that with him and certainly didn’t ask for any support etc, I’m very private. I never suggested I needed anything from him. I also don’t think for a moment it’s a romantic thing.

Anyway he text last week a huge message asking if I he’d done something wrong and that he ‘couldn’t bear it’ if we fell out. I just feel like this is really strange? Am I being cynical? As I say there’s never been any inappropriate comments or behaviour and if I am honest I can be quite a suspicious sort of person and worry a lot. Maybe this is normal for a person if they’re just extremely nice?!

OP posts:
Original poster
cekert · 05/05/2023 19:30

*offended not offered!

OP posts:
WomanBitingATowel · 05/05/2023 19:33

I don’t think this is ‘nice’ at all. I think he’s got some kind of ‘damsel in distress’ thing going on, isn’t respecting your boundaries, and is now making you feel bad for having them? Don’t enter into his drama.

BounceyB · 05/05/2023 19:34

I would class it as odd behaviour whether he's been inappropriate or not. He clearly has feelings otherwise he wouldn't be so upset by it. I think you need to be strong and tell him to leave you alone.

GoneTillNovember · 05/05/2023 19:37

Difficult to say, he sounds OTT and you are not liking that, and he's struggling to take that hint.

I am from a family of 'helpers' particularly my dad. He helps everyone, all the time. He is incredibly skilled in lots of areas and will be helping fix a computer, or a car, or plumbing, or fitting a floor, or babysitting, or tutoring... He doesn't stop and he helps anyone and everyone that wants it. He's driven to help constantly. I do think he would take the hint if he was told it was a bit much but he's not used to hearing it!

Is it something like that? Someone who gets a lot of enjoyment and self worth from being a helper and you happen to be the one facilitating that for him at the moment? Obviously that's not ok if it's not working for you. It's ok to be quite direct on that front if he's not taking the hint! You should never feel uncomfortable, even if it's coming from a good place.

GoneTillNovember · 05/05/2023 19:38

The text is totally OTT, like something some of my melodramatic relatives (female) would send after a minor disagreement

Crampo · 05/05/2023 19:39

Yeah, he's after a shag.

User198446725689 · 05/05/2023 19:39

Is it possible that he sees you as a friend whereas you see him as an occasional employee?

Hillrunning · 05/05/2023 19:40

I think he sees you as a friend and is a bit confused by the distance? Friendships come in all forms.

Curseofthenation · 05/05/2023 19:41

Did he grow up in a single parent household? Just a random thought. He might find your situation has triggered some memories of growing up and seeing his mum struggle. It may be made worse by him having a happy family. I could be completely wrong, but it just came into my head as I read your OP 😆

Bk1000 · 05/05/2023 19:42

Texting you like that demonstrates that he isn’t ‘nice’ he has some kind of agenda, who knows what it is, but the fact that he text you like that shows that he isn’t concerned about you at all. I would find this behaviour quite unsettling to be honest.

Choconut · 05/05/2023 19:56

Buying your ds loads of stuff and saying he 'couldn't bear it' if you fell out is too much. He sounds really overly emotionally involved for a married man with two kids.

Tell him straight that you're uncomfortable with his generosity because he's married.

BaggyJumpersandLeggings · 05/05/2023 19:57

He's become fixated on you

dammit88 · 05/05/2023 19:59

I think he could be genuine here. He sounds nice.

Applequash · 05/05/2023 20:01

Your pretty odd reaction probably made him worried about being seen as inappropriate, hence the long message.

You sound like a misery op

35965a · 05/05/2023 20:02

You are right to be wary.

travelingtortoise · 05/05/2023 20:04

Applequash · 05/05/2023 20:01

Your pretty odd reaction probably made him worried about being seen as inappropriate, hence the long message.

You sound like a misery op

Women with boundaries are not 'miseries'.

Applequash · 05/05/2023 20:05

travelingtortoise · 05/05/2023 20:04

Women with boundaries are not 'miseries'.

Show quote history

Being closed off and miserable isn’t having ‘boundaries’

IAmTheWalrus85 · 05/05/2023 20:07

Applequash · 05/05/2023 20:01

Your pretty odd reaction probably made him worried about being seen as inappropriate, hence the long message.

You sound like a misery op

Sorry, but this kind of bollocks leads to women being hurt, exploited and worse.

He’s making her uncomfortable and I can completely understand why.

Women don’t have to be nice to men who make them uncomfortable.

Applequash · 05/05/2023 20:08

IAmTheWalrus85 · 05/05/2023 20:07

Sorry, but this kind of bollocks leads to women being hurt, exploited and worse.

He’s making her uncomfortable and I can completely understand why.

Women don’t have to be nice to men who make them uncomfortable.

Show quote history

I’d examine why someone being nice makes you uncomfortable. Very odd

travelingtortoise · 05/05/2023 20:09

Applequash · 05/05/2023 20:05

Being closed off and miserable isn’t having ‘boundaries’

Show quote history

And OP hasn't been closed off or miserable. She's distanced herself gently from a situation that she was no longer comfortable with.

It's not complicated.

travelingtortoise · 05/05/2023 20:15

OP, he could be genuine.

But genuine or not, if it feels like too much for you, he needs to respect that.

You're independent and private, and your space is important to you.

He was very lovely for a long while, and now you need your space.

It can all be true, and there's nothing wrong with any of it.

Calmate · 05/05/2023 20:43

@GoneTillNovember
Your Dad sounds lovely, wish I had someone like him as a neighbour.

Riverlee · 05/05/2023 21:02

My thought was he was almost ‘love bombing’ you with all the presents and gestures.

in situations such as this, I wonder what his wife thinks about her dp buying all these presents. Does he do this with all his clients? What would she feel if she saw the text?

The fact that you felt overwhelmed shows it’s not normal.

i think withdrawing is a good idea. Maybe reply to the text in a strictly professional manner.

Dontlistitonfacebook · 05/05/2023 21:05

I'd worry about an ulterior motive.

WibblyWobblyWineyTimey · 05/05/2023 21:08

Is he like this with any/everyone else or is he just like this with you, the 15 years younger, single woman?