to think nobody this nice can be genuine?

[cekert]

Or am I just cynical?

I have a 1.5 year old and my partner left when dc was a few weeks old. A man I had known for many years who did diy (paid) for us, came to know about the breakdown of the relationship when I asked him to do additional house jobs when dp left. It was the same stuff we always asked him to help with but I guess more often as I had my hands full with a baby alone. My understanding was he did odd jobs for lots of people and has a part time job where he’s also employed. Really nice person, married with two kids of his own, around 15 years my senior (I’m mid 30s).

Since DP left he has been in regular contact, sending stuff for my dc, asking how I am etc. At first I thought it was really lovely, we had an Xmas card from him, his wife and kids etc, and although I found the gifts for dc too much, he just seemed to be really excited about buying things for dc. It got to the point where a couple of months back I had to say thanks for the stuff but honestly i can’t accept anything more even on my DC’s behalf. He said ok and asked if he’d offered me etc and I said no and just tried to distance myself a bit. It’s odd as I’ve known him years and he’s never been remotely inappropriate so I don’t think it’s that. Anyway, he recently started saying he wanted to paint the garage door (desperately needs doing and is obvious). I said I had a friend who was going to do it but thanked him and again tried to reduce the contact as I felt it was too much.

I don’t feel it’s like he sees me as someone in distress as the break up was now a while ago and whilst I found it hard initially I didn’t share that with him and certainly didn’t ask for any support etc, I’m very private. I never suggested I needed anything from him. I also don’t think for a moment it’s a romantic thing.

Anyway he text last week a huge message asking if I he’d done something wrong and that he ‘couldn’t bear it’ if we fell out. I just feel like this is really strange? Am I being cynical? As I say there’s never been any inappropriate comments or behaviour and if I am honest I can be quite a suspicious sort of person and worry a lot. Maybe this is normal for a person if they’re just extremely nice?!

This would make me feel very uncomfortable too, and the text is definitely too much. I’d be tempted to ignore his message and block him. Either that or let him know he is making you feel uncomfortable, then block him.

Some posters are so naive!

You’re right to trust your instincts OP, he’s got Knight-in-Shining-Armour syndrome. He’s attracted to you because he sees you as a damsel in distress, so do by all means enforce your boundaries.

Sad to say that this was my initial thought having worked with pedophiles.

Sadly I agree with PP.

He is either sexually interested in you, or your children.

Keep your distance.

Bet the wife doesn’t know the half of it. I would message her thanking her for all the gifts but say you don’t want to impose on them
anymore and you will be getting someone else to do the jobs. Cut out contact with him he has all the signs of an obsession.

I think that whether he has an ulterior motive or not is largely irrelevant. Ultimately even if his intentions are entirely good and innocent, he has still made you uncomfortable.

It is not unreasonable to distance yourself from someone who makes you uncomfortable. It really doesn’t matter why or if they’re actually nice or not. It’s not your responsibility to protect his feelings if you aren’t interested in a relationship / friendship like that with him.

If it were me, I’d be honest. But that’s because when someone makes me uncomfortable I want them to know so they are aware of how their behaviour affects others (and can hopefully be more mindful in future). You don’t owe him an explanation though, so only if you want to.

I do know people who are genuinely this nice, and some people struggle to pick up on social cues or may have different opinions
on what is friendly and what is OTT. However it seems a little odd that this only really escalated after you and your ex separated. That, I think, would make me feel a little suspicious.

@suburbophobe you have no idea of my past or my current situation. Lose the chip on your shoulder and calm down with the effing and jeffing.

@Hillsmakeyoustrong Yes, I'm sorry. That was unkind of me.

@suburbophobe thank-you x

I wouldnt like all of that attention, genuine or not. I'd feel really uncomfortable.

Take the opportunity he's given you with his text and tell him you're a private person and prefer not to rely on anyone. You can take care of yourself.

I would suggest he is grooming you in some way. Either to access you or your children. He is trying to make himself indispensable and not respecting your boundaries. He is trying to see how far he can push those boundaries

He's not your close friend and he's acting like he's a jilted lover, not someone who was just helping out. People who are genuinely helpful are those who are happy to help but also happy to step back. He's making you feel uncomfortable and I'd rather pay to get my own garage door painted than have an obligation to a man who sends me long texts about our 'friendship'.

Probably a nonce.

If he were nice he wouldn’t be playing the “what’s your problem” “why are you offended” card. If he were nice he would respect your boundaries.

I suspect being able to do things for you makes him feel quite heroic and manly, he doesn’t like the idea that this is not needed so rather than it being him with the problem it is you.

id cut back on any contact

Also, who knows what's running in his head? My next door neighbour came around doing my grass, a few years later he made a pass at me, he is absolutely hideous. Just because you think someone wouldn't be thinking that doesn't mean they are not, sadly.