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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think nobody this nice can be genuine?

65 replies

cekert · 05/05/2023 19:29

Or am I just cynical?

I have a 1.5 year old and my partner left when dc was a few weeks old. A man I had known for many years who did diy (paid) for us, came to know about the breakdown of the relationship when I asked him to do additional house jobs when dp left. It was the same stuff we always asked him to help with but I guess more often as I had my hands full with a baby alone. My understanding was he did odd jobs for lots of people and has a part time job where he’s also employed. Really nice person, married with two kids of his own, around 15 years my senior (I’m mid 30s).

Since DP left he has been in regular contact, sending stuff for my dc, asking how I am etc. At first I thought it was really lovely, we had an Xmas card from him, his wife and kids etc, and although I found the gifts for dc too much, he just seemed to be really excited about buying things for dc. It got to the point where a couple of months back I had to say thanks for the stuff but honestly i can’t accept anything more even on my DC’s behalf. He said ok and asked if he’d offered me etc and I said no and just tried to distance myself a bit. It’s odd as I’ve known him years and he’s never been remotely inappropriate so I don’t think it’s that. Anyway, he recently started saying he wanted to paint the garage door (desperately needs doing and is obvious). I said I had a friend who was going to do it but thanked him and again tried to reduce the contact as I felt it was too much.

I don’t feel it’s like he sees me as someone in distress as the break up was now a while ago and whilst I found it hard initially I didn’t share that with him and certainly didn’t ask for any support etc, I’m very private. I never suggested I needed anything from him. I also don’t think for a moment it’s a romantic thing.

Anyway he text last week a huge message asking if I he’d done something wrong and that he ‘couldn’t bear it’ if we fell out. I just feel like this is really strange? Am I being cynical? As I say there’s never been any inappropriate comments or behaviour and if I am honest I can be quite a suspicious sort of person and worry a lot. Maybe this is normal for a person if they’re just extremely nice?!

OP posts:
2bazookas · 05/05/2023 21:08

You've sussed it's not "romance"or personal to you. You know somethings not quite right. Listen to your gut, trust it.

Sounds to me as if he's grooming you to gain access to your children and bribe them with presents.

FirstnameSuesecondnamePerb · 05/05/2023 21:17

My dh will help anyone and would hate to think of someone struggling if he could help. He is just that nice.

Beachhutnut · 05/05/2023 21:19

Just tell him that you began to feel a bit overwhelmed and this is your way of dealing. He should respect that.

Hillsmakeyoustrong · 05/05/2023 22:38

Having been in your home space and helping you in the aftermath of your exs departure, I'm guessing he was happy to help and just wanted to continue to. We have had builders in our home for over 6 months now and it's weird how they become part of your day to day life. We have chats, laughs and a few words 😄 and they have felt like friends. They have offered to help carry in my shopping and they did a flat pack for me. Wlsked the dogs once! I personally can see how he would just see it as normal and might be genuinely worried as to what he has unwittingly done to cause a change. Some men are actually gentlemen. Its difficult for you though because you now feel uncomfortable and that's totally valid regardless of his motives. Stick with your decision. Reassure him once again if you think it might help but trust in time it will settle down.

anunlikelyseahorse · 05/05/2023 22:40

dammit88 · 05/05/2023 19:59

I think he could be genuine here. He sounds nice.

I disagree, I don't think that sounds nice at all. He offered to do some painting Op said thanks but no thanks, he then sends a really OTT message. A 'noramal message would be along the lines of, 'no probs. Give me a call if need an extra pair of hands, cheers Charlie (or whatever his name is)'
I'd be distancing myself further and further away from them.

LadyHag · 05/05/2023 22:47

Applequash · 05/05/2023 20:08

I’d examine why someone being nice makes you uncomfortable. Very odd

Show quote history

Applequash are you the oddjob man in question? 😂

anunlikelyseahorse · 05/05/2023 22:49

FirstnameSuesecondnamePerb · 05/05/2023 21:17

My dh will help anyone and would hate to think of someone struggling if he could help. He is just that nice.

Yes and your DH sounds great, but I bet he wouldn't send a message like that? And if he did I wouldn't think it nice, its honestly not a nice message, it's a message which says "why won't you let me help you? what have I done to upset you? I want to be your friend, you've upset me with your insistence of using someone else", that's not how a true friendship works, a proper friendship is no strings attached, and accepting Op's decision.

Genie321 · 05/05/2023 23:24

anunlikelyseahorse · 05/05/2023 22:40

I disagree, I don't think that sounds nice at all. He offered to do some painting Op said thanks but no thanks, he then sends a really OTT message. A 'noramal message would be along the lines of, 'no probs. Give me a call if need an extra pair of hands, cheers Charlie (or whatever his name is)'
I'd be distancing myself further and further away from them.

Show quote history

Agree. Keep your distance. Block him.

Keep yourself and your child safe. Its just weird behaviour.

Justleaveitblankthen · 05/05/2023 23:26

Crampo · 05/05/2023 19:39

Yeah, he's after a shag.

In the nicest possible way, this is my first thought too.
He'll deny it till the cows come home.. Unless you give him the OK.
The text gave him away.

TheShellBeach · 05/05/2023 23:33

Crampo · 05/05/2023 19:39

Yeah, he's after a shag.

It does sound like it.
He isn't respecting your boundaries at all.

knobheeeed · 05/05/2023 23:47

Nah it's OTT
Your gut is saying it's off, so listen to that.
The text is weird "couldn't bear it". WTF.

PrincessofWellies · 06/05/2023 00:02

Some people are just nice, and are generous. I wonder if they lost a child or something.

Anyway if it makes you feel uncomfortable just carry on making space between you.

Sugargliderwombat · 06/05/2023 00:30

You're right to be wary but some people are just nice. It doesn't sound like he's hitting on you at all to me.

PrinnyPree · 06/05/2023 00:54

I'm reminded of this comment "Women are not vending machines that you put kindness coins in until sex falls out." I think his last text is him banging on your perspex exterior in frustration. ;)

As for your question, yes people are genuinely nice, but this guy is not nice as he is not respecting your boundaries and expects a relationship in exchange for his favours (even if its a purely platonic one) I nearly had a similar situation with a 60 year old lady when I had my baby, I was asking for advice on facebook about reusable nappies on a local parenting page and she offered to buy me a set (£200+ worth) I politely declined, but she kept offering to buy my baby things and invited us round for tea etc. I again made my excuses and declined, I felt a bit bad because she was obviously lonely (I got her life story and the fact her daughter was over a hundred miles away in London) but she was pushing my boundaries and I wasn't going to give a complete stranger access to my kid.

Also I'm fairly sure signing the cards from his wife and kids too is just for a nice veneer of plausible deniability, but perhaps I'm just a cynic.

HRTQueen · 06/05/2023 01:10

He has become fixated on you

and you have pulled away so he is trying to manipulate you that is not nice

he is helping for a reason what that reason is we don’t know but it’s certainly more than just wanting to help

ImustLearn2Cook · 06/05/2023 01:11

Every single time that I dismissed my gut feelings I ended up regretting it. Trust your gut.

Ihatepickingausername3 · 06/05/2023 01:38

I’m another one who says listen to your gut. Yes there are genuine nice people around… but a nice person wouldn’t have sent a text like that. I feel that’s off.

Frogger8395 · 06/05/2023 01:56

An odd job man suddenly buying children presents. Weird and inappropriate.

flexigirl · 06/05/2023 02:23

In your position I would feel he has crossed the boundary from friend/employee to slightly creepy weirdo. I'd be concerned myself about grooming if he's bought your dc gifts. I mean he might be genuine, but it's a really odd way to behave. Just ask him

suburbophobe · 06/05/2023 02:27

We have had builders in our home for over 6 months now and it's weird how they become part of your day to day life. We have chats, laughs and a few words 😄 and they have felt like friends. They have offered to help carry in my shopping and they did a flat pack for me. Wlsked the dogs once!

You have NO fucking idea how it is for a vulnerable single mother alone with a baby!
Did you even read the OP before plunging in with your attitude? Your operative word being "WE"

Read it again.

I have a 1.5 year old and my partner left when dc was a few weeks old.

Of course she feels vulnerable! Dealing with a child when your partner has checked out is NO fucking joke. It's traumatic.

OP, been there done it. It will get better. Get all the help you can get. Friends, family, kind neighbours or locals.

Is there a local mother/baby support group? GP practice should have info. (They do here, outside UK).

McGoadyFromFuckingGoadyville · 06/05/2023 04:59

Read the book 'The Gift of Fear'.

You do not have to be nice or polite to someone who is making you uncomfortable. Your feelings exist for a reason, don't ignore them.

NameforMN · 06/05/2023 05:24

It's weird and you should listen to your instincts.

NameforMN · 06/05/2023 05:28

TBH OP, the first thing I thought when I read your post was that he may be trying to groom you to access your child. It's a well recognised pattern for abusers to make themselves part of the family and in a position where they help in some way. I know it's a horrible thought , and there are a number of other explanations , but it's not one you can ignore.

Did you reply to his message?

SunshineLollipopsAndRainbows · 06/05/2023 05:32

Hillsmakeyoustrong smiled at “ wisked the dogs” 🤣

Busybutbored · 06/05/2023 05:38

I think people can be extremely nice, but if it's making you uncomfortable then it's fine for you to back off. He probably feels sorry for you.