To want my friend to get her own hobbies?

[Celia24]

This may sound awful but anyway.

I know it's seen as childish to say so but she's my best friend of the last 15 years and we've always been our own people with other friends and interests.

I have been part of 2 hobbies for 2-3 years and all of a sudden last month she said she was going to sign up for one of them to join me. I was ok with it because I don't go so often to that one

Tonight she tells me she's signed up to my other hobby as well which is a huge part of my life. I was a bit shocked as I didn't think she had much interest. She's admittedly very competitive so it does worry me a bit.

I will say she's having a hard time emotionally and seeing a therapist. But I feel she's latching on to my life and really want her to get her own? Am I being a horrible person?

This would really annoy me.

Particularly if the friend hadn’t previously been showing very much interest in the hobby.

Has it crossed your mind she has.... not given up on you?
Maybe she has had feelings for you and just keeps on hanging around and finding more opportunities to be close, so this being a way to find hobbies could be ways to be around you more often.

I would keep distance. Has she ever acknowledged her behaviour was not appropriate- and have you ever discussed it with her later?

I totally understand your frustration, OP! I have a friend who goes to Rock Choir and another that goes to yoga and others with various sports going on and I wouldn't dream of attending the same group, unless I was specifically invited.

When I began attending a weekly meditation class, it was partly because I wanted to make new friends and not always be dependent on the same group.

It seems to be an unwritten, understood rule in our friendship group that you respect other people's right to their own space.

I've found it makes for better friendships to compartmentalise a bit.

Oh how very awkward she made a pass at you, it’s almost like she’s now wanting to show you that you can also share hobbies together in the hope you’ll see her in a different more romantic light.

Jeez I really wouldn’t know what to do without hurting her feelings

That she made a pass at you puts a different slant on this. Could she be experiencing limerence, do you think?

Hmm I don't think so @Pegsandsunshine - it was the first time she'd ever done that in 15 years like I said. I mean, in the same evening, she told me she wasn't sure she wanted to marry her boyfriend and that a guy at work had asked her out who she did have feelings towards.

I think she's just all over the place to be honest. Her partner is thinking about proposing and I think she's got cold feet. He is a great guy so I hope she gets better with therapy so she can move past this chaotic time. They seemed really happy just 6 months ago, it's strange.

I don't think so because of what I've said above but I'm not ruling it out completely @Coldstarrynight

If she makes another pass I'll need to let her down gently and clearly. I wish it had never happened.

I don't know about you being a horrible person or a rubbish friend. On the contrary, you sound like a very caring friend. It is a difficult situation. I'm sure you're friend would be very upset if she realised how you are feeling but it seems like she is in a place where she hasn't got the capacity to consider these things. None of that helps you, of course.

Is her friendship genuinely valuable and enjoyable to you or is it more that you feel responsible in some way and don't want to upset her?

*your friend!

Probably not too relevant, but sounds like CrossFit?

Anyway, whatever the hobbies/sports are she sounds like she's in a very messy place and I would bet that anything she does now won't last very long.
She has a lot to work through.

Most of us have been in a similar place at one point, and latching onto random things is quite common when you're all at sea. I don't think you can do much more than keep a polite distance in your activities and wait for her to come out the other side.

wow. Let’s hope don’t you the situation is never in reverse and you never need that kind of help or support. Jees.

Totally agree. Poor friend is going through an awful time to the extent of needing therapy and is reaching out to spend some time with her friend or trying to make changes with her friends support. Sigh another thread that leaves me losing faith in people. And oh I do get the wanting to do your own thing but she’s clearly a long term friend who you surely care a lot about- a little compassion, kindness and support where needed goes a long way.

Might I suggest that on the first hobby evening she's attending, you find yourself unable to go because <insert spurious made-up reason here> and see whether that puts her off a bit.

Yes you put it exactly, I was thinking of the threads about selfish partners and DHs who have these all encompassing and mysterious hobbies and it’s so annoying to just not come out and say what it is! 😄

Did you talk about the kiss?

There seems to be a weird absence of meaningful communication (from what you've said here).

I can't help but feel that she's clearly expressed some deep vulnerabilities and your response from your description is to back off. I wonder if she'd be throwing herself into your space if you were a little more emotionally available for support or guidance.

@PimpMyFridge there was no kiss because I quickly gave her the cheek when I realized she was going for the lips. I haven't mentioned her advances.

No that's not true. She expressed her difficulties and also told me she was going to a concert alone soon. I offered to go with her (we went last night) and we also had dinner before where I listened to her talk more about her struggles.

She's also wanted to chat more online and I get back to her quite quickly. I haven't been distant. I still want a close friendship, I just don't want to morph into having almost the same life.

YANBU I would feel this way too. Yes she's your friend but it sounds like she might need a lot of support at the minute (which can be draining) and it is reasonable for you to want your own space. She obviously hasn't realised it would bother you and if I were you I would find a way to let her know, kindly, but also can you stay out of her way while there or is it not that sort activity? I would stick with going and leaving alone as she may have concocted a version in her head where you're going to spend all this time together...

That's good.
I think all you can do is keep being there for her as you have been, a steady support, and give whatever you're able to reasonably give.
Maybe try and nudge her in the right direction or suitable other help as much as you can.
She sounds really lost. 😔

Just found this thread and wondered what happened, if your friend has totally implanted herself into your classes?