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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want my friend to get her own hobbies?

69 replies

Celia24 · 04/05/2023 23:24

This may sound awful but anyway.

I know it's seen as childish to say so but she's my best friend of the last 15 years and we've always been our own people with other friends and interests.

I have been part of 2 hobbies for 2-3 years and all of a sudden last month she said she was going to sign up for one of them to join me. I was ok with it because I don't go so often to that one

Tonight she tells me she's signed up to my other hobby as well which is a huge part of my life. I was a bit shocked as I didn't think she had much interest. She's admittedly very competitive so it does worry me a bit.

I will say she's having a hard time emotionally and seeing a therapist. But I feel she's latching on to my life and really want her to get her own? Am I being a horrible person?

OP posts:

Lacoeur · 05/05/2023 07:46

YANBU op i completely get this! I hate when people close to you can’t get their own ideas. Call me petty or childish but I actually think it’s bad manners to copy someone. Maybe it stems from childhood were you were told to not copy someone else’s work in school but it gets to me now as an adult. Like others have said, she may quickly grow bored with these hobbies if they are not her own genuine interests.

Jobhuntings · 05/05/2023 08:03

Really not understanding how this could be negative.

Surely you do hobbies to enjoy doing the hobby and to meet like-minded people and making friends with them and enjoying doing it together is a huge bonus.

This is an added bonus that you already know the new person!

IamnotSethRogan · 05/05/2023 08:08

I completely understand. I've made a whole new set of friends with my hobby and I like how separate it is from everything else. I've spoken to a few people who've hinted that it's something they would like to try. I've just moved the conversation on as on occasions where I have taken people, I can't really get on with it or talk to my friends as I feel like I have to stay with them and help and it's not really the escapism it usually is.

Peterpiperpickedapeckof · 05/05/2023 08:13

She sounds needy and it would make me feel claustrophobic.

LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 05/05/2023 08:14

Do not offer to take her there or back, whatever you do. It might fizzle out and obviously you can't stop her from going. I wouldn't mention it to her but just carry on doing your thing. I have a friend who murmured recently about joining the art class I go to and how much she would enjoy it. However she doesn't drive and would expect me to take her there and back so I talked about something else to distract from the topic.

custardbear · 05/05/2023 08:16

She'll probably get bored if it's not her thing. You could signpost her towards things she enjoys, local art club/tennis etc if she likes that kind of thing.

ThinWomansBrain · 05/05/2023 08:20

how does she behave at the hobby/classes?
Clingy and expect to be with you 1:1 - I'd say something
Just a friendly face that she recognises on getting there, but not expecting to spend time or every break with you - I'd let it go.

Could be the therapist is suggesting she gets out more, and she finds that easier with a friendly face rather than a wall of strangers.
You've been fronds a long time and you go she's finding things tough at the moment - either you'll end up with a shared interest, or she'll get bored and drop out.

OhComeOn123 · 05/05/2023 08:21

Yeah this would really piss me off. Same as when I've had friends ask me if "there's any jobs going at your place?" NO!!! Absolutely never are there any jobs going at my place. In fact my boss has just signed a 100 year iron clad contract to say no further recruitment ever in infinity!

It's healthy to keep certain things separate.

ThinWomansBrain · 05/05/2023 08:23

you know, not you go

ModestMoon · 05/05/2023 08:26

I think that she should have sounded you out, but also I see it from her perspective. I really like spending time with my friends, if I only saw them once a month then it would be a bonus to me to join a hobby that they go to, and I would be happy if they joined one of mine. But I'd probably sound them out first. Why is it that you don't want your friend to join ? I wonder if with the therapy and support talk the friendship hasn't evolved into you giving her support rather than a mutually enjoyable time together.

Courgeon · 05/05/2023 08:27

YANBU. I've just started a new hobby/group (nothing too niche) and posted pics of said hobby on FB. Immediately had several of my flaky friends getting in contact saying that looks great can I come along next time. I wouldn't mind as much but they are flaky like I say and it's impossible to pin them down to an arrangement, when I do it's always me who makes the arrangement never them who make the initiative etc etc. I'm going to stop "advertising" the activity on FB and keep to myself. One of the reasons I've joined is to meet new people as said friends can be flaky and unreliable and I'm fed up with it. I do want to keep the hobby just for me, childish as that may sound!

Yuasa · 05/05/2023 08:29

MysteryBelle · 05/05/2023 01:23

Posters never say what these always top secret (why?) hobbies are. Very annoying.

I get annoyed by this in the dp threads as it’s difficult to understand sometimes without knowing what the hobby is, but it’s not really relevant here.

Anyway, I wouldn’t like this. I have a particularly needy friend who kept dropping hints that they wanted to join a book club I’m in. No way. There are loads of them where we are catering to every taste, absolutely no need to join the one I’ve been in for years and completely change the dynamic for me!

(Although I’m in a book club, none of my other hobbies is being in a choir and never will be!)

tallsmallmum · 05/05/2023 08:29

@Celia24 so you only want her to be your best friend on your terms? you want ' space' from her like she's your child she wants to actually do something with you which is very healthy instead of asking for more of your time out of your week but you want to moan about her to your hobby friends separately so you don't want her there? God as others have said she'll probably drop the hobbies anyway soon, she's only trying out something and as others have said there's no way I'd try a new thing without at least someone I know there. poor friend.

LookItsMeAgain · 05/05/2023 08:41

Celia24 · 04/05/2023 23:41

Neither @Casba they're both quite obscure hobbies and she found out about both from me.

Firstly - stop oversharing (or indeed simply sharing) with her. She clearly latches on to whatever you say/do.

Next - do your homework. Find another group/hobby that you have a passing interest in and if you feel like sharing that you're going to do that, then do (but don't actually join up with this new group). Leave it for her to join and where possible, try to make it a group that clashes with your preferred hobby.

Lastly - you could simply say to her "Well Mavis, while I really enjoy having you as a friend, it is good to have some separate interests, so that we have something to talk about when we do meet up. If you insist on joining Woodworking or Macramé class that I do, I'll have to drop out and that is upsetting to me. I need my space for me. This is going to affect our friendship, and I believe it already has which is such a shame as it was avoidable if you had only selected a different hobby to take an interest in or a different group to do it with." or something to that effect. Be somewhat blunt about it as she clearly has no issues in being blunt or disrupting your routine.

Fannehflaps · 05/05/2023 08:52

You don’t OWN the hobbies, anyone can partake. If you don’t wanna see her there, don’t go. Don’t need to be such a control freak and have a bitch fit at the thought of her wanting to join you in something fun. I wouldn’t want to be your friend if I was her if this is how you go on.

Shinyandnew1 · 05/05/2023 08:56

That is a bit suffocating and I don’t think I’d like it either! She’s not wanting you to drive her there and back again as well, is she?!

caringcarer · 05/05/2023 10:13

I'd hate that and feel claustrophobic like a friend was trying to steal my life. I think I might just stop seeing her once a month on a 1-1 and if she comments just say you come to my hobbies twice a week and see me then. I'd even think of keeping the same hobby but switching to a different group if possible. I value my time and don't want to share.

Original poster

Celia24 · 05/05/2023 10:15

@ModestMoon this is basically how I feel - that she should've sounded me out.

Previously she mentioned trying a drop in class to my main hobby and I moved the chat on. Now she hadn't even bothered with a drop in and signed up to a 2 months course. This is a big deal because most people who do this become a core part of the community.

No I can't gatekeep any hobby. But we've always had strong separate identities. I also didn't hear from her for many months. Now suddenly she appears and wants to join me in everything. I'm not ok with it.

Tbh I think I'm going to distance myself a bit and if she does start wanting to go there and back with me I'll need to be honest on how I feel. It may well damage the friendship of course so I'll need to tread carefully.

OP posts:

Original poster

Celia24 · 05/05/2023 10:18

One thing I forgot to mention was that about a month ago during a night out she tried to kiss me on the lips and made advances. In 15 years this never happened before. She has a live in partner.

An hour later she was sobbing. I've never seen her like this the whole time I've known her. She is obviously really struggling. I want to be empathetic while also being a bit 'this copying every one of my interests isn't ideal'.

OP posts:

LookItsMeAgain · 05/05/2023 10:29

Seriously - she's trampling all over your boundaries here @Celia24 .

She clearly needs help and you're not the one to be able to provide this. If you can contact her partner, please do. See if there is anything that they can do to help their partner. You're letting the partner know because you think more help is needed here and you need to take a step back from being around this friend for the moment at least. Perhaps mention that she has signed up to both of the activities you are a part of, and due to recent events that happened between you both, you don't think it is a good idea that she pick those two activities and you'd appreciate it if alternatives could be suggested and get her signed up. Why doesn't the partner and your friend sign up for an activity to do together?

usernother · 05/05/2023 10:36

She's knows that you enjoy them so wants to do them too. Nothing wrong with that. They aren't your hobbies btw, you don't own them.

Pegsandsunshine · 05/05/2023 10:46

usernother · 05/05/2023 10:36

She's knows that you enjoy them so wants to do them too. Nothing wrong with that. They aren't your hobbies btw, you don't own them.

It is a bit stalkish though, to join everything another person does. Why not find your own thing to do instead? Especially given the OP's update about the woman trying to force herself upon her.

beanii · 05/05/2023 11:08

I desperately need to know what the hobbies are? 🙈

YANBU I wouldn't like this - best friend or not you can do different things - same as if you're in a relationship.

1FootInTheRave · 05/05/2023 11:14

This would irritate me no end.

I had a mate that persistently copied me. I absolutely hated it and found it stifling.

Original poster

Celia24 · 05/05/2023 11:32

@Pegsandsunshine I agree. Joining both my hobbies is OTT. And when she made the advance it upset me. I haven't mentioned it but it made me feel crap. We are long time friends and I don't expect friends to make advances.

I am desperately hoping that even if she starts these hobbies she loses interest quickly. Especially the more she goes to therapy, maybe it will encourage her to pursue her own personal interests more.

She was saying yesterday that she really admires me and that's a lovely thing but i'd like to be admired mainly from a distance 😁

OP posts:

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