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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my friend to get her own hobbies?

69 replies

Celia24 · 04/05/2023 23:24

This may sound awful but anyway.

I know it's seen as childish to say so but she's my best friend of the last 15 years and we've always been our own people with other friends and interests.

I have been part of 2 hobbies for 2-3 years and all of a sudden last month she said she was going to sign up for one of them to join me. I was ok with it because I don't go so often to that one

Tonight she tells me she's signed up to my other hobby as well which is a huge part of my life. I was a bit shocked as I didn't think she had much interest. She's admittedly very competitive so it does worry me a bit.

I will say she's having a hard time emotionally and seeing a therapist. But I feel she's latching on to my life and really want her to get her own? Am I being a horrible person?

OP posts:
Doyoumind · 04/05/2023 23:31

I'm sure someone will tell you you don't own those hobbies and YABU but I think she is BU and you have a right to be annoyed.

I'm biased because as a teenager I had a friend who copied me. I found it suffocating as I have always been very independent and I wanted to do my own thing. She didn't have a genuine interest in the same things as me and frankly I found it weird and unsettling.

Original poster
Celia24 · 04/05/2023 23:34

@Doyoumind thank you for understanding. I was a bit surprised that she didn't even mention she was thinking of signing up, just did it. She knows it's a huge part of my life on a weekly basis. I only see her once or twice a month max so it's a big change.

Tbh I prefer having my main hobbies separate to my best friend? Like tonight we went to a concert and for drinks and had a lovely time. It.doesnt mean I want to mix our worlds to the extent we have the same hobbies.

I'm annoyed but feel my hands are tied. What can I possibly say?

OP posts:
Casba · 04/05/2023 23:35

Are they choir and book club? If so Yabu. There isn't much else here.

JudgeRudy · 04/05/2023 23:35

Are you concerned because she's latching on or because she's competitive?
It is a bit irritating when someone 'joins' you like this but you can do much about it. I would start as I mean to go on though, so eg not travelling together etc. making it vlear you're not going to together. Don't be rude ir masty, but don't play hostess either.

PimpMyFridge · 04/05/2023 23:35

Does sound like she's latching on to your thing.
Which is annoying.
But, sounds like they're could be a lot going on underneath which might be causing her to make these choices which are out of character.
I would tread gently for that reason.
Can you talk to her. Maybe you could help her get to as better place where she won't feel the need for this.

Original poster
Celia24 · 04/05/2023 23:41

It does seem like strange timing @PimpMyFridge - obviously there's a chance that she joins both hobbies and keeps going because she really likes them. Not much I can do. I just think...to join one of them? Ok fair enough. But both? I think it is really not self aware. I wouldn't copy a friend like this.

I feel I can't say or do anything because I know what a hard time she's having. I know she needs me at the moment but at the same time I don't want her sharing all aspects of my life. It's a hard one.

OP posts:
Original poster
Celia24 · 04/05/2023 23:41

Neither @Casba they're both quite obscure hobbies and she found out about both from me.

OP posts:
Hamburgerandchips · 04/05/2023 23:43

You have my every sympathy, I had a toxic 'friend' who infiltrated my life and caused me no end of stress and upset. You're definitely not being selfish. If you're not able to outright tell her it's a bad idea then distancing yourself is a good so she may eventually realise it's too much unless she's like my narcissistic'friend' and is ultra self absorbed

PimpMyFridge · 04/05/2023 23:45

Yes, probably best not to push back as there isn't really a diplomatic way to do that. Maybe it'll fizzle anyway. If not maybe you can try to gently discuss how it affects your space and friendship later and meanwhile be supportive so she trusts you care even if you do later venture into tricky territory in time.

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/05/2023 23:45

Casba · 04/05/2023 23:35

Are they choir and book club? If so Yabu. There isn't much else here.

Huh?

I've done rock climbing, kickboxing, learning obscure languages, running, wild swimming, badminton, Dungeons and Dragons. And I am not that weird.

Choir and book club?

Original poster
Celia24 · 04/05/2023 23:46

It's really bothered me @Hamburgerandchips - I'm sitting tight just now and secretly hoping she doesn't stick it out at one or both.

When I last saw her she said she 'wanted to get out and do more things' because all she does is stays at home with her partner. To go from that to joining both my hobbies in the space of a fortnight is bloody annoying.

OP posts:
Hamburgerandchips · 04/05/2023 23:55

She obviously has no self awareness or good manners so you are right to be wary. I can't really offer good advice as I bottled everything up until it exploded dramatically 😂😲

Original poster
Celia24 · 05/05/2023 00:20

I agree @Hamburgerandchips - she isn't self aware and that's part of the reason she's going to therapy - go become more self aware!

She's such a great friend and I would hate for this to affect that. But really it's important for me to keep my hobbies separate to an extent. I don't think it's really ok to just join a friend's every interest.

OP posts:
Luredbyapomegranate · 05/05/2023 00:25

It’s annoying because a bit of compartmentalism in life can be a good thing.

She’ll probably get bored.

2chocolateoranges · 05/05/2023 00:32

So annoying. My good friend applied for a job at my work and while I was encouraging to her I was secretly hoping she didn't get it.

Thankfully she didn't get it. I met her in my last job and I like her but my new job is mine and not hers .

ImustLearn2Cook · 05/05/2023 00:35

If she’s a good friend and you know each other well then have a discussion about it. Don’t secretly hope she gets bored of it and drops the hobby of her own accord. She might not.

Just a thought. Sometimes in therapy a therapist might advise their client to take up a hobby to help with issues. Maybe she feels a bit anxious about taking up a hobby where she doesn’t know anyone.

Perhaps you could explain why you want to compartmentalise and retain this hobby as your own thing, separate from her or any of your other friends too (so it’s not just about her). Then offer to go with her a few times as a support to help get her settled in a different new hobby just for her.

Nutsabouttopic · 05/05/2023 00:37

I could have written this very post tonight. I was on the phone to my mum earlier giving out about feeling stalked/ smothered. My very good friend of many many years turned up at one of my hobbies yesterday. To do so she had to sign up a week ago and book classes. I turned around and she was there..... again. Same thing happened last week, different hobby. And no neither of them were choir or book club. Second one had to be booked weeks ago due to limited places. Administration felt sorry for her and created an extra place. I actually feel like staying home.

MysteryBelle · 05/05/2023 01:23

Posters never say what these always top secret (why?) hobbies are. Very annoying.

NBLarsen · 05/05/2023 01:29

Fully agree and sympathise with how annoying this feels to you.

However, on the flip side, can you imagine hearing about a really fun activity, something you might not have come across before but it sounds so fun you desperately want to try it. Only to be told you can't do it because your friend already does it?

If she's your friend, it's logical that she will like and enjoy the same things as you.

I can see both sides of this and sympathise with both.

FurAndFeathers · 05/05/2023 01:44

Celia24 · 05/05/2023 00:20

I agree @Hamburgerandchips - she isn't self aware and that's part of the reason she's going to therapy - go become more self aware!

She's such a great friend and I would hate for this to affect that. But really it's important for me to keep my hobbies separate to an extent. I don't think it's really ok to just join a friend's every interest.

If she’s struggling/having therapy do you think she’s trying to emulate your life? Perhaps she’s envious of you and hoping that by doing what you do she’ll be happy like you are.

I think I’d confront her on it
”oh I’m surprised you’ve signed up to my class - you’ve never shown an interest before. I feel like it’s a bit unusual for you to suddenly join both of my hobbies, perhaps it’s something you should discuss with therapist?”

if she challenges you then simply say that you value her friendship but like time to hang out with others also and are worried seeing each other several times a week might strain the friendship.

JandalsAlways · 05/05/2023 01:55

I totally feel your pain, I think that would annoy me too. It could work out great, but frustrating if it goes the other way

ImustLearn2Cook · 05/05/2023 02:25

NBLarsen · 05/05/2023 01:29

Fully agree and sympathise with how annoying this feels to you.

However, on the flip side, can you imagine hearing about a really fun activity, something you might not have come across before but it sounds so fun you desperately want to try it. Only to be told you can't do it because your friend already does it?

If she's your friend, it's logical that she will like and enjoy the same things as you.

I can see both sides of this and sympathise with both.

NBLarsen makes a valid point. The only thing that you can do is discuss it with her. Find out from her why she wants to do these activities.

If she is genuinely interested in these hobbies and wants to give them a go then there’s nothing that you can do about it.

MyEyesAreBleeding · 05/05/2023 07:26

Oh my gosh. This is awful. It just takes so much from you. You can't just go and be in your own world. It forces interaction on you and just is so unfair.

Do you have the option of changing the day for one class /meeting?

Jobhuntings · 05/05/2023 07:35

Against the grain a bit but this wouldn't bother me, she's a friend!

Her therapist could have suggested she gets out and about a bit and this is taking a huge effort for her.

It's a bit sad that you don't want her involved in 'your' hobbies.

She's unlikely to stick with them if there's no genuine interest but if there is, surely that's a positive?

If new person joined that you got on with well, you'd become friends, surely this is the same but added bonus you're already friends?!

Felucia · 05/05/2023 07:46

FurAndFeathers · 05/05/2023 01:44

If she’s struggling/having therapy do you think she’s trying to emulate your life? Perhaps she’s envious of you and hoping that by doing what you do she’ll be happy like you are.

I think I’d confront her on it
”oh I’m surprised you’ve signed up to my class - you’ve never shown an interest before. I feel like it’s a bit unusual for you to suddenly join both of my hobbies, perhaps it’s something you should discuss with therapist?”

if she challenges you then simply say that you value her friendship but like time to hang out with others also and are worried seeing each other several times a week might strain the friendship.

Show quote history

Yes. Talk to her about it.
I would find it incredibly annoying.
As an aside, I'm in therapy too but would still want someone to tell me if I crossed a boundary.