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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To never get attached to any friendships again

58 replies

Biccyteawithone · 04/05/2023 23:21

Just that really.

Feeling a bit maudlin tonight thinking about recent developments with friendships. Realised a little while ago that I was the instigator in around three or four close friendships with friends and cousins. Thought I would back off a bit to see if they would make a move if I didn't. They haven't.

After feeling down for a while my new approach is just going to be to enjoy and accept people for who they are when I am with them and to forget about them in between meetings. This is with the aim of enjoying moments with friends but not ti get attached or have any expectations because I always seem to feel a bit let down.

Not sure if I just need to make.new friends or change my approach! Or both??

Does anyone else do this?

OP posts:
Snowfalling · 04/05/2023 23:26

Yanbu. I've been through similar and realised no friendship is perfect but I enjoy them so will put in just enough effort to keep them ticking over and do it for ME, so there's no disappointments.

I wonder why friendships feel such hard work, is it because people are just busier?

PimpMyFridge · 04/05/2023 23:27

Some people are really not pro active and you'll always take the lead if you have a friendship with them, but they still value the friendship...
I have some friends like this. But they are enthusiastic and happy when I make things happen. The dynamic is so strong though, if I didn't initiate I think it would be months before I got a reaction. 🤣
So I wonder whether these friendships are ones where they are passive but appreciative... Or where they just don't care... Either could be true from what you've said in the op.
One I would accept, the other I wouldn't.

PimpMyFridge · 04/05/2023 23:28

I would accept a passive friend assuming they had other redeeming qualities. Not everyone is a self starter.

QueefQueen80s · 04/05/2023 23:53

My friendships are like this OP, makes life much less stressful. We all care about each other, just all get on with life and get together sometimes. No expectations.
I'm like that with everyone though, it means I'm never disappointed.

AssertiveGertrude · 04/05/2023 23:57

I don’t get overly involved with people as so many let me down and I’m a strong woman and like my own company

but I have recently been more selective in who I confide in and have made closer, more genuine friendships (maybe due to having more in common and getting older and being more real)

don’t let it upset you - humans are fickle

Alloveragain3 · 05/05/2023 00:04

Eeeep... I'm the passive friend.

I'm just a natural introvert and I'm happy in my own company and spending time with family or working on projects.

It tends to be my friends who initiate contact or invite me places. I enjoy and value the friendships but I'm just a bit shit at reaching out.

So, maybe don't take it personally, as they're potentially like that with all of their friends?

Pineapplejuicer · 05/05/2023 00:10

I’m an introvert and have friends because I’ve been acquired by outgoing types. Thankfully they haven’t dropped me for being passive! It’s in my nature and I’m too busy with work / family to make much effort these days even though I want to see more of my friends.

Want2beme · 05/05/2023 00:19

Quite honestly, I've never known what to expect from friendship. I'd be quite happy to meet occasionally for a coffee and a natter. I'm more of an introvert and although, I like to have a chat, I do find regular contact draining.

I've done what you're thinking of doing, and it's resulted in the end of friendships, which is very telling.

Catsmere · 05/05/2023 03:58

I got fed up with always having to be the one initiating contact in my former friendships. I don’t have any close, long-standing friendships now, but the casual friends I do have are more reliable. Two I chat with by video once a month on a day we arrange, and the rest I see weekly at a knitting group.

MistyRuins · 05/05/2023 05:17

I'm a passive friend, in the main.

Not because I don't like my friends, I do, very much. I just think I'm not that interesting to be around, so I don't understand why people would want me tagging along.

Original poster
Biccyteawithone · 05/05/2023 07:08

Hi everyone and thank you for your comments.

I don't just mean about other friends being 'passive' friends but I suppose that could be part of it.

We moved 40 miles away before lockdown and despite offering to drive around to catch up with friends from the previous city, I did 'lose' some friendships during the pandemic but then we had moved so that's life I guess. One very good friendship never seemed to recover from moving / the pandemic / her being unwell last year and I haven't seen that friend in a year and a half. Despite my sporadic attempts to pick it up / visit / etc. To say that has been disappointing has been an understatement.

With other friendships, looking at the big picture, I do seem to have high expectations that are not met which I need to turn on their head. The deeper friendships I hoped for have not materialised really and it's all pretty casual. I think to be okay with everything, I have to make peace and accept that that is where it is at the moment and just not think about people between visits.

By deeper friendships, I mean accepting that taking a family member to hospital several times (hour each way in the car) will not be reciprocated, entertaining here at the house will not be reciprocated, etc. I do feel used some of the time if I am honest in the friendships I have. I feel I probably have over given in the past as friendships do become so important to me. It's hard to explalin.

I also feel I need to keep myself open to new friendships so let go of these ones, live in the moment and stay open! And just be lighter about it all and, in summary, care a lot less!!

OP posts:
MeanderingOnTheNorfolkBroads · 05/05/2023 07:11

Yes I do this.
DH and I moved to a new town, where we knew noone, 5 years ago, and threw ourselves into making friends. Between us, we made lots.
With my half of our friends (and I know DH feels the same with his), I realised made ALL of the effort, but it worked for me at that time.
However, life got busy and tough last year, so I took my foot off of the pedal, and my entire social life fell away.
I think a hell of a lot of people are just pretty useless TBH. I get lots of "we really want to have you guys over for dinner soon" etc etc, but they don't have the capacity to actually make anything happen or offer actual dates.
So now I work (which I like), go to the gym, go to a weekly running club, hang out with DH and our dog, see family when we can, and have a very full and happy life. If a friend wants to see me for a coffee every now and again, then cool, but I don't really mind either way.
And we're officially retired from having friends round for dinner or bbqs. Too much effort and expense, and it's never reciprocated.

Oblomov23 · 05/05/2023 07:17

You are making a general statement, when you shouldn't be generalising. Your issue is specific. Particularly the family member taking advantage re hospital visits.
I have deep friendships. I've made errors and misjudgments before though. I choose my friends very carefully. Your only mistake was choosing wrongly, or not trusting your own instincts well enough to choose wisely. You've learnt the hard way. As we all have to. Don't generalise and taint all relationships based on these few.

Original poster
Biccyteawithone · 05/05/2023 07:19

Meandering that's exactly what we did when we moved! Made such a big effort with parties / playdates / meals etc etc and we have retired too as not reciprocated! Now if someone wants to have a playdate I let them suggest the park as I was known as the playdate house I think! Not doing that anymore.

I think people are useless too. You are right, I have also been focussing on my family, the kids, doing fun things with them, my hobby and being happy at home in the bubble. Going to keep doing that now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Biccyteawithone · 05/05/2023 07:22

It is a general statement @Oblomov23 as it seems a social trend that people are doing less socially with other people. Also, as we are still kind of newbies to a town, a lot of people already have their social group. I was trying too hard to fit in and it was making me miserable so am just going to enjoy the moments and not have any expectations!

OP posts:
Inthebathagain · 05/05/2023 07:25

I accept this happens in friendships too. I'm more the outreach person, but scale back sometimes if I feel I'm putting in more effort.

Genuine question: why is this friendship ebb and flow completely dissed in romantic relationships here on MN? "If he WANTS to see you, he'll do something about it". I was seeing a guy who wasn't proactive in any of his friendships, as he is perfectly content in his own company. He loves spending time with friends, but loves his own time too. I ended up getting frustrated he never arranged anything, it was always me. I don't think I would have got as frustrated at him not being proactive, had it not been for the MN rhetoric. Would love to know your thoughts.

Original poster
Biccyteawithone · 05/05/2023 07:28

Was it a friendship with the guy? I would say that if people value their friendships they do reach out, which is why I get upset re the friendships I have that contact seems sporadic and just here and there. Maybe they don't value the friendship and it only continued because of me!

OP posts:
WandaWonder · 05/05/2023 07:29

I find I can't be doing with dramas like on see on here (for example, not saying this thread either) I try and be nice to people and only have nice people in my life but I take people as I find them

I don't have the inclination nor desire to to a BFF, reading drama into people and scenarios and taking on other people's dramas either

As for favours I do them when I choose too but won't be taken for granted

summerfinn · 05/05/2023 07:48

I lost three friendships over the last few years. All for similar reasons that your describing. I used to put so much effort into these friendships but as soon as I had another baby and got postnatal depression I couldn't arrange meeting ect they didn't contact me. Literally stop hearing from them. It is incredibly hurtful as I was the type of friend that would drive miles to see them if they had problems in their lives. I would always be on the other end of the phone to listen and offer advise. I'd love to meet people that are willing to put in as much effort as me into friendships. Btw I don't think being an introvert is an excuse for being a shit friend. I'm an introvert.

MeanderingOnTheNorfolkBroads · 05/05/2023 07:59

I find it reassuring to know I have the skills to make new friends/acquaintances. It sounds like you do too OP. Many don't.
If DH dies, or leaves me, or we need to move again for work etc, I know I can go out and make new friends/acquaintances very quickly - and I think that's a great position to be in.

Original poster
Biccyteawithone · 05/05/2023 08:22

Yes I agree Meandering good to have those skills but I sort of wonder if the type of friendship I give is sort of going out of fashion if that makes sense? Maybe it's fast food, fast fashion, fast friendship now lols. It's been so much more of a struggle than I anticipated.

@summerfinn that's so sad to read and I completely relate. So tough when friendships have meant/ mean so much to you and others don't seem to care as much. I really really don't know what the answer is apart from to alter expectations to avoid disappointment but it feels unnatural to do that tbh.

OP posts:
AmazonGrime · 05/05/2023 08:31

I agree with this, I do feel lucky I can manage my friendships as I chose l.
I tend to never told really long term friends, but find people I enjoy at the right phase of life. I’m still on good terms with people, but I don’t socialise with school friends, baby meet up friends, ex-colleagues. There’s generally someone for a matter but I keep it superficial. The difficulties I find come from when you are regularly making an effort. I will chat to anyone, but I let things wind down easily when I’m suddenly doing the leg work

Courgeon · 05/05/2023 08:43

I've been more hurt by issues in friendships than I have by any romantic relationship. I used to give my all, very loyal and devoted friend. However I've been used, hideously as I'm supportive and a good listener. Had emotional vampires dump on me then just disappear. I now do what you do op, see friends as and when and enjoy what they bring but I have zero emotional attachment to them or reliance on them. I seem to attract flaky, unreliable people so am trying to do something about that as well.

No hosting BBQs or parties at mine anymore either bar for one family. It's hard work and never reciprocated.

MeanderingOnTheNorfolkBroads · 05/05/2023 08:45

Biccyteawithone · 05/05/2023 08:22

Yes I agree Meandering good to have those skills but I sort of wonder if the type of friendship I give is sort of going out of fashion if that makes sense? Maybe it's fast food, fast fashion, fast friendship now lols. It's been so much more of a struggle than I anticipated.

@summerfinn that's so sad to read and I completely relate. So tough when friendships have meant/ mean so much to you and others don't seem to care as much. I really really don't know what the answer is apart from to alter expectations to avoid disappointment but it feels unnatural to do that tbh.

'Fast food, fast fashion, fast friendship'. Yes I agree with that.
I look at my mum, who's 70, and she's got lots of friends and they are really quite rude to one another at times, but are there to give eachother lifts to hospital, attend family weddings and funerals, cook for one another if someone is ill etc etc. Proper friendship.
Whereas now I think we're all so concerned about offending one another - and so busy - friendships are so much more polite these days, but tend towards being surface level only.

WhatALightbulbMoment · 05/05/2023 08:53

MeanderingOnTheNorfolkBroads · 05/05/2023 08:45

'Fast food, fast fashion, fast friendship'. Yes I agree with that.
I look at my mum, who's 70, and she's got lots of friends and they are really quite rude to one another at times, but are there to give eachother lifts to hospital, attend family weddings and funerals, cook for one another if someone is ill etc etc. Proper friendship.
Whereas now I think we're all so concerned about offending one another - and so busy - friendships are so much more polite these days, but tend towards being surface level only.

Show quote history

I agree with this. My grandmother had a large bunch of friends, most of whom she'd known for decades. They all made the effort to stay in contact, inviting each other for a chat and a coffee or a walk on the beach. Friendships seem so fickle nowadays. I suppose smartphones have played a part in that, because it's easy to assume you've had real interaction via text, when in reality friendships work best and develop when you physically meet up.