To never get attached to any friendships again

[Biccyteawithone]

Just that really.

Feeling a bit maudlin tonight thinking about recent developments with friendships. Realised a little while ago that I was the instigator in around three or four close friendships with friends and cousins. Thought I would back off a bit to see if they would make a move if I didn't. They haven't.

After feeling down for a while my new approach is just going to be to enjoy and accept people for who they are when I am with them and to forget about them in between meetings. This is with the aim of enjoying moments with friends but not ti get attached or have any expectations because I always seem to feel a bit let down.

Not sure if I just need to make.new friends or change my approach! Or both??

Does anyone else do this?

It is always mutual and should be, though since I married and moved abroad I lost all the people I ever called friends.

This is exactly me.

In the same way that we women encourage one another not to carry the mental load in our romantic relationships, I also won't tolerate carrying the mental load in my friendships.
And when someone is a passive friend, that's exactly what they're - inadvertently - expecting you to do. I'm too busy to do someone else's thinking for them.

I have an aunt who I invited to join in with an online weekly club I do and the aunt has been joining in for years, coming along to parties and get togethers at mine or at another one of the group who sometimes hosts. However aunt never invites me / us to her house or out anywhere so it is always me that hosts. I have been to aunt's house once and there is nothing wrong with it / no hoarding issues etc! I have invited aunt to lunch many times and we have paid for coffees and things. I have taken aunt to hospital several times in the past few months and there is no real appreciation or reciprocation which I just find... odd! After I have sort of included aunt in hobby and helped her have a social life? Have just found out aunt is hosting some other relatives (who I am also related to) and I wasn't invited to hers while they are there for a meal / coffee etc when I have done exactly that several times. It feels really one-sided and I'm not going to be doing it anymore.

Friendships are two way. Its rude to make one person do all the running.
if your like that don't be surprised if it falters.

I agree with the oldies having deeper, proper friendships rather than surface friendships. My MIL wouldn't think twice to tell a friend or her Sisters how it is, friendships now are so afraid of offending each other and come to an online forum to ask what to say that won't offend. You nurture a friendship the same as a relationship. I have been isolated for a year due to illness and people I thought would stay in touch I've not heard from. I've been supported by two lovely friends who have helped me so much and are now helping me get out and about again. I would reciprocate for them, they know that. I came off social media so people knew nothing about me or my life, if they want to find out how I am they all know my number and where I live. It hurt so much in the first few months when I was really struggling, we have a good life without shallow hangers on that I ran after. Even passive friends will initiate contact after a time if they value you. Xx

Sorry just to also say I wondered for a while whether my aunt had financial issues as always wore the same dress / jumper, never paid for anything but the last time I saw her she said she was very comfortable and had two pensions!! So yep just all a bit strange tbh. I wonder whether people think of me as capable and independent and happy to take from me but it just feels... I don't know.. wrong??

Social media, mobile phones, lockdown all affected friendships, and also I think the fact people end up with better suited partners now based on being best friends as well as lovers, whereas in my mums generation they often didn't suit each other so female friendships were an escape and heavily relied on, plus relied on for help with kids as men were either useless or it was a womans job while men worked etc.
I know when I was in a long relationship, I was with my best friend so didn't feel the need to have deeper friendships.

That's a great point!

Thanks, just thought of it on my way to work 😆

@QueefQueen80s yes great point. I do think female friendships are important but yes maybe people feel differently about them these days... Or have less time to cultivate them as working full time and running around everywhere as they weren't all that time ago. So maybe just need to adjust to the changing times.

I will say it sort of makes me nervous / unsure how to be etc when a new friend pops up! but as per the op think from now on am going to keep it light, enjoy the moment and not sweat it in between times. Just going to go with the flow and not get attached!!

I hear you OP. I’ve been so let down by friendships over the years I now feel like just keeping it light with people and not even trying to form strong connections. I seem to attract users and always end up disappointed when I don’t get the support back from them when I need it. I’m currently going through a really awful family situation and one of my ‘good friends’ knows about it, she messaged me to ask how things were almost a week ago, I replied the same day and she still hasn’t read it. She’s been online loads but just hasn’t opened my message to read it. Which tells me she really couldn’t care less about me, she was just asking to be polite but isn’t polite enough to read my response and pretend to care I guess! This is a friend I have really been there for when she had tough times herself.

People are disappointing.

@Sotired22 sorry to hear that. Yes so disappointing. :(

It's best not to really bother I think, sadly!

It seems that being really genuinely kind and friendly and wanting a friendship is off-putting or not respected, in some way, these days. Which is really sad!

Although as per one example above, re my aunt, she is in her 70s so shouldn't be acting like a flakey younger person, so really not sure what that is about!! Lols!

Am going to focus on my husband and kids and enjoy any other moment with others but not have any expectations / bond deeply / have strong feelings about people either way again, I think. Disappointing and sad but not sure what the alternative is, without me regularly feeling hurt!!

I use exclamation marks too often when I am frustrated !!!!! !!!! !!!

I have different friendships, I'm luckily enough to have 4 really close friends but others who I see now and again just for a quick catch up.

I'm a very loyal friend and have been hurt as a result several times in the past by people who did not apparently feel the same way and have used my loyalty against me or turned on me.
So I've avoided close friendships for a long time now. It's easier and less heartache.
It sounds grim I know but I love the lyrics to TheThe's The Whisperers which goes
Don't get sad when the people that you trusted stab you in the back.
So you thought they were your friends?
Now you know, now you know there's one thing in life that holds,
You're on your own.

It's a bit bleak, but not wrong.

@Z0rr0 sorry to hear you have also been through this.

The lyrics to that song are bleak but somehow more empowering than being disappointed... it's the disappointment that stings.

You take your power back I think when you realise you are on your own, friends wise.

I do think there can be a bit of 'I have chosen to to lots of things for people and as they don't do the same as me or think the same they are the ones on the wrong'

Like people who decide their friend needs a massive surprise party, spend ages organising then complain their friend was not happy enough about it, the friend never wanted one in the first place'

You mention your aunt OP, I do think relationships with family are different to friendships. You've obviously got a dynamic there where you have a sense of duty towards her and she feels entitled to expect a level of "service" from you. You maybe need to have an honest chat - starting by asking why you weren't invited to that meet-up? And explain you feel taken for granted. It might be she's never thought about it and it will give her a wee jolt to be more considerate and give something back.

With my aunt, it is sooo skewed in the balance it is a bit odd... not sure what is going on there!! So am definitely edging away from that one...

Re other friendships no I have never done the whole 'here are surprise flights for a trip to dubai for your birthday and you will owe me on mine!'... it's never been that extreme but more 'let's have a playdate I'll make us all a nice lunch!' (for the adults and the kids) and it largely hasn't been reciprocated but people still want to come to mine... so like the way we do it but don't fancy reciprocating, kind of thing!! Think I have just been open and friendly and it has been seen as a weakness somehow. So now it is time to take back a bit of control I think.

Agree @Biccyteawithone and I do still have friends and get invited to stuff, I'm just not as emotionally invested now to protect myself from that sort of hurt.
It's on me in the end I guess. It just took me a while to realise people don't feel the same way as I do. I'm an only child and my parents divorced when I was at primary school so perhaps that's why I was more invested in friendships than most people. I wasn't clingy or needy, but I was looking for reciprocation that wasn't there.

Just because someone doesn't make the first move, doesn't mean they don't like you. Don't cut yourself off from potentially satisfying relationships.
Which reminds me, I must text my friend. I'm very bad at it.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to reevaluate your friendships. I do think it’s unreasonable to swear off being attached to any moving forward.
I’ve been through many friends, but about 14 years ago I met my now best friend. We are honest to the point of being asses sometimes, but we have each other’s backs and we know it. We are like the old ladies people describe. I also have two other friends I’m very close to. The three of us all met together and are close as a group and individually. We all celebrate and cry for each other.

I have another friend I made more recently, and has been quite mutually supportive. I worry it hasn’t reached the same depth that will carry us through their upcoming move, but I know we’ll try.

I’ve lost more friendships than I can count, but it is still possible to have friendships like our grandmothers. Don’t write them all off.

Don't get attached or pray to God for friends who love you just as much you love them and want to engage with you properly

Thanks, that's very kind! I think I've always been too hopeful / too positive about things like friendships but the reality has actually been quite tough!