To never get attached to any friendships again

[Biccyteawithone]

Just that really.

Feeling a bit maudlin tonight thinking about recent developments with friendships. Realised a little while ago that I was the instigator in around three or four close friendships with friends and cousins. Thought I would back off a bit to see if they would make a move if I didn't. They haven't.

After feeling down for a while my new approach is just going to be to enjoy and accept people for who they are when I am with them and to forget about them in between meetings. This is with the aim of enjoying moments with friends but not ti get attached or have any expectations because I always seem to feel a bit let down.

Not sure if I just need to make.new friends or change my approach! Or both??

Does anyone else do this?

I think people take this far too personally.

People expect friendships to be totally static and never change and then get the hump when the level of intensity changes. With the best will in the world someone with three kids and a full time job is never going to be able to sustain the kind of friendship she had as a single, childless student. It's not personal, it just isn't possible to keep that up.

The key to friendships is to roll with them. Friendships are dynamic. They will change and some will fade out. But expecting them to be maintained at the intensity they started at is unrealistic and will inevitably lead to disappointment.

Social media makes this far worse. I see so many people posting about minor fallouts with friends and saying they've "blocked" one another after minor disagreements etc. Its a total over-reaction and massively destructive. You will fall out with people sometimes, this is life, and you just have to chill out and dial them down without all the drama of ghosting and blocking people. It creates a huge amount of ill will which it's really hard to come back from.

I think a lot of people don't put the effort into friendships - so you can be the one keeping it going all the time. Not that they don't want to meet up, just they never get round to suggesting it, or even getting in touch. Probably busy at work/seeing the people they have to see – people don't have lots of free time. I mostly keep on suggesting going out etc/keeping in touch as I think social connections are so important and help fend off things like depression esp in later life/post work.

But I definitely have friends and relations that I would never see if I didn't suggest it. And I have friends that I haven't heard from since I decided it was their turn to get in touch, in some cases years ago.

Plus it's much easier when your kids get a bit older...

Ive recently let go of 2 friends.

I realised I always put in the effort, and that I wasnt prepared to keep doing it.

If they get in touch, Ill happily speak to them and even meet up, if they suggest it. I shall keep sending them happy birthday messages, as Ive always done.

Im just not putting in the effort to try to meet up.

I tend to be the proactive friend, mostly because my need to socialise is high. But with most of my friends there is a level of reciprocity.

I could have written this myself….

On a personal note, I've never been an instigator and let people come to me. Not because I don't like them, or want to spend time with them, but it's a confidence thing. I want to feel wanted, not that I'm putting myself on anybody.. Why would anyone wanna hang out with me. But they do because they always ask me to! It's only the last few years I've become more "Fuck it" and started arranging stuff.

@QueefQueen80s I think when you move to a new place you have to instigate really but I think you don't know whether people are taking you up on invites to be pleasant/ friendly / for something to do... that all comes out later. I do still have hope I will meet nice people and have good friendships in the future but am going to slow things down and see whether potential friends can give as well as take. In the meantime I am going to give to my family and myself as much as possible!

People are mostly self serving and there is no loyalty anymore. I find this even with long standing friendships.