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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH forcing DD to read AIBU?

100 replies

user1469032438 · 04/05/2023 16:47

DD is just 6 and in year 1 and last week graduated to what I would call "big books" in school, about 30 pages so not massive but alot bigger than her previous books of 8-10 pages and with more words on each page. DH is forcing her to sit and read the whole book and DD is getting upset and can't do it is tired and rushing which makes DH cross and now its like a vicious circle and I am finding it very uncomfortable.

For context though DD is not DH's although he has been in her life since she was 18 months old. He is honestly fantastic with her, caring, loving always says she's his DD to people not step DD (her dad isn't involved at all) and he does his fair share of everything parent related.

At DD's parents evening last week her teacher said she is exceeding her targets in everything.

I am currently pregnant with a complicated pregnancy and poor mental health (caused by the pregnancy) and don't know if im just being hormonal, I know I can be very protective of DD

So AIBU to think A) the book is too long for one sitting and should be read over 2 days and B) all DH is doing is making her hate reading?

Or would you expect your 6 year old to sit and read the whole thing and I'm a bug softy who needs to toughen up?

I wanted an outside perspective before I said anything to him

AIBU DH is right
AINBU I am right

OP posts:
ItsBritneyBitchhhh · 04/05/2023 18:57

BonnieLisbon · 04/05/2023 17:10

I agree with everyone else, although I thought this was going to be about him making your dd read the AIBU forum on mumsnet

😂😂😂

Random102 · 04/05/2023 18:57

our school guidance is that children read for ten minutes per night.

Set a timer and if she hasn’t finished the book in ten minutes then carry it on the next night.

ItsNotWhatItsNot · 04/05/2023 18:59

Why are people making punctuation jokes and reading tips on a thread about a child being bullied by a man? No matter the topic, OPs husband should not be forcing and getting angry at her child.

overthinkersanonnymus · 04/05/2023 18:59

I definitely thought you meant he was making her read this section of MN 😂😂

SugarAndSpike · 04/05/2023 19:01

I was forced to read and grew to hate it.

Even as an adult I can't be bothered to read novels and stories, factual books maybe at a push. And magazines. But not books and I feel quite sad about it.

LaGiaconda · 04/05/2023 19:02

I think there's a bit of a red flag.

A genuinely caring parent does not force a young child to do a task that requires the concentration that only an older child would have. They would take notice when a child was tired and say, 'Just to the end of the page - you're doing brilliantly!' It also seems a bit sinister that this is an activity where you can't join in. It makes it harder for you to take part/bring the reading to an end.

Hopefully, if you say clearly that this isn't going to make your daughter keen on reading in Welsh - but quite the reverse, then this can happen. I am a step-parent but do think there are times when the person who has actually known the child from Day 1 must have the last word. Again, if he's a decent bloke he will acknowledge that.

Good luck.

Daffodilsandtuplips · 04/05/2023 19:04

He means well but he is so wrong, ten minutes reading time is about right for her age.

CallieG · 05/05/2023 08:22

Your husband is abusing your child. He is being emotionally & verbally abusive, the only thing she will learn here is how to fear & hate her father.
He isn’t the teacher, he needs to stop & get therapy.

If he won’t stop you need to shine up your spine & leave him, you Cannot allow this to continue.

Mrscooper13 · 05/05/2023 08:32

Wow a whole book.

kills me trying to do 4-6 pages and we are in yr2 and DD is a good reader.

have you tried the rainbow magic books about 20 pages a book.

our teacher said to take as long as you like it’s more about doing 15 mins a night

ItsNotWhatItsNot · 05/05/2023 11:35

@user1469032438 ? Will you be safeguarding your daughter from the angry, bullying man?

TrustyRusty68 · 05/05/2023 11:42

It’s way too much to read in one go - I’d have thought a few pages a night do maybe one book a week. Ask her school teacher what her expectations are over volume of reading. I’d be really surprised if they’re expecting a book a day :-)

2bazookas · 05/05/2023 12:16

To help her with reading fluency, all she needs to do is read a couple of pages a day aloud to him. He should make it enjoyable, not a chore. An occasion for sitting on his knee, maybe prompting her with any hard words , praise her, talk about the story, make it happy and rewarding.

What is far more important is to foster her enjoyment of books, stories and reading; by his personal demonstration.
By far the best way is for him to read a bedtime story to her every night. To take her to the library and they BOTH choose books to borrow. Some for her, some for him. To buy her books (cheap in charity shops). Play word and sound games like I spy,. hangman, Bananagram. Role-model parents reading adult books for pleasure, newspapers for information etc.

Once she enjoys reading, then it would be perfectly normal for a 6 yr old to read a 30 page book to herself on her own , just for pleasure.

7eleven · 05/05/2023 13:26

Teacher here - that’s far too much. 10-15 mins maximum is great.

Florenz · 05/05/2023 13:27

I thought the thread was about your DH forcing your DD to read the AIBU section on mumsnet.

Florenz · 05/05/2023 13:28

Florenz · 05/05/2023 13:27

I thought the thread was about your DH forcing your DD to read the AIBU section on mumsnet.

I see some other people thought the same.

espresso14 · 05/05/2023 13:48

Not at 6, perhaps she can make a book mark so she knows she can pop it in and continue next day.

I did start putting my foot down with my yr 3 in her summer hols (between yr 3 and 4) and insisted she start reading a whole chapter of an early reader chapter book in one sitting, because I was so sick of her "2 pages - done" nonsense, you never get into the story that way. But that's several years away.

ohdamnitjanet · 05/05/2023 15:45

He’s an arse. Stop him.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 05/05/2023 15:47

He needs to back off!!!! Let her read at her own pace!

Sartre · 05/05/2023 15:54

He’s going to make her hate reading so he needs to stop this immediately, you should intervene and ensure he does please. Reading is super important for all children but if they’re pushed into reading books they hate or made to read more than they have the capacity to read as your DD is, they’ll just end up resenting reading.

A few pages a night is sufficient. I’ve always made my DC read daily but never more than a few pages at a time.

billycat321 · 05/05/2023 16:39

My son, now 37, is still unable to read and write, thanks to his father's reading sessions with him when he was small. In five minutes he could undo six months work, leaving the poor boy terrified and cowering. He still freezes at the sight of a page of print as it is still associated with being smacked and shouted at and being told he was useless. If he writes 'Happy Birthday Mum' in a card at least two of the words will be spelt wrong. He was unable to join the RAF because he couldn't fill in the application form. He instead went into the building trade where he is respected for his skills. He now has his own family and vowed that, in his words, 'nobody will be frightened in my house'. I will never forgive myself for not standing up to his bullying father, but he was the same with all of us, a controlling autocratic bully.

CombatBarbie · 05/05/2023 17:04

billycat321 · 05/05/2023 16:39

My son, now 37, is still unable to read and write, thanks to his father's reading sessions with him when he was small. In five minutes he could undo six months work, leaving the poor boy terrified and cowering. He still freezes at the sight of a page of print as it is still associated with being smacked and shouted at and being told he was useless. If he writes 'Happy Birthday Mum' in a card at least two of the words will be spelt wrong. He was unable to join the RAF because he couldn't fill in the application form. He instead went into the building trade where he is respected for his skills. He now has his own family and vowed that, in his words, 'nobody will be frightened in my house'. I will never forgive myself for not standing up to his bullying father, but he was the same with all of us, a controlling autocratic bully.

OP if you need any warning at what this could do..... This is the post to remember!! Just because he's not hitting her doesn't mean he's not damaging her

Topseyt123 · 05/05/2023 17:20

He needs to be told in no uncertain terms to back off. He really isn't doing any good with this approach, and DD will pretty soon (if not already) come to dread reading.

At her age about 15 minutes a night is perfect. And make it reasonable fun, checking that she has understood what she has read. None of this bullying her to read 30 pages, that is ridiculous, and very daunting for a child of that age.

If I were you I would completely stop him from reading with her if he is determined to do it the way he currently is. Read with her yourself and tell him to leave her alone. Only do more than the generally advised 10 - 15 minutes each night if DD is definitely enjoying what she is reading about and wants to continue.

He is doing far more harm than good and is behaving like a complete arse.

caringcarer · 05/05/2023 17:32

Email the teacher ahead of PE and ask her to mention the book being sent home is to be read over 2 or 3 days. It's nice he is helping her with her reading but he is going OTT.

Jules912 · 05/05/2023 17:42

DC's school ask for 10 minutes a night, once they get onto longer books they read them over a few days rather than the whole book each night. Usually they swap twice a week but occasionally DC will get a particularly long one which takes all week.

BonnieLisbon · 07/05/2023 22:11

We did about 10 minutes. Sometimes I used to read a page then they read a page when they were little.

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