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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH forcing DD to read AIBU?

100 replies

user1469032438 · 04/05/2023 16:47

DD is just 6 and in year 1 and last week graduated to what I would call "big books" in school, about 30 pages so not massive but alot bigger than her previous books of 8-10 pages and with more words on each page. DH is forcing her to sit and read the whole book and DD is getting upset and can't do it is tired and rushing which makes DH cross and now its like a vicious circle and I am finding it very uncomfortable.

For context though DD is not DH's although he has been in her life since she was 18 months old. He is honestly fantastic with her, caring, loving always says she's his DD to people not step DD (her dad isn't involved at all) and he does his fair share of everything parent related.

At DD's parents evening last week her teacher said she is exceeding her targets in everything.

I am currently pregnant with a complicated pregnancy and poor mental health (caused by the pregnancy) and don't know if im just being hormonal, I know I can be very protective of DD

So AIBU to think A) the book is too long for one sitting and should be read over 2 days and B) all DH is doing is making her hate reading?

Or would you expect your 6 year old to sit and read the whole thing and I'm a bug softy who needs to toughen up?

I wanted an outside perspective before I said anything to him

AIBU DH is right
AINBU I am right

OP posts:

AppallinglyReheated · 04/05/2023 17:58

Why is he doing this?

One assumes he isn't doing it to be a dick or put her off reading, so, does he think the school require her to read the whole book in a day? Is he striving to keep her over-achieving for some reason? Does he think this really is the right way to improve her Welsh and her reading?

Finding that out may be the key - I would get some guidance, ideally in writing, from her teacher as to how much (ideally a min. and a max.) she should be reading each evening.

Jux · 04/05/2023 17:59

Reading ismeant to be a pleasurable experience, bringing relaxation and joy, not a miserable one.

He has to stop.

wildfirewonder · 04/05/2023 17:59

This: DH is forcing her to sit and read the whole book and DD is getting upset and can't do it is tired and rushing which makes DH cross and now its like a vicious circle and I am finding it very uncomfortable

Does not align with this: He is honestly fantastic with her, caring, loving

He is sounds a bloody nightmare of a stepdad - tell him to back off and stop ruining reading for her.

Jourdain11 · 04/05/2023 17:59

teezletangler · 04/05/2023 17:22

Did anyone else think the OP's DH was forcing the DD to read the AIBU section of Mumsnet? I clicked to see what the heck that was all about!

I did. And when I saw that DD was 6, I went 😲

Glad it's not just me!!

Saschka · 04/05/2023 18:00

There is cajoling to read (and if I didn’t do that, DS would never read at home) versus forcing a crying child to read (totally counterproductive).

You have to be flexible about their concentration levels/tiredness. DS is 6, he sometimes reads the whole 32 page book, sometimes half, sometimes we alternate pages, sometimes we alternate words if he is really bored of it 🤷‍♀️

Check she understands the story - if it is in a second language, maybe get her to explain it in English. Reading 32 pages in a second language she isn’t fluent in will be doubly hard, so I wouldn’t expect the same stamina as I would in her first language.

Jux · 04/05/2023 18:01

He can always read TO her if he wants to finishe the book but a page a day will have her enjoying it and wanting to know more. If she's following the story, enjoying it and is curious about, he can finish the book for her, but no reading should be forced. Not at this age.

Songbird54321 · 04/05/2023 18:02

My dd is the same age and her teacher specifically said to only read a few pages a night. This was because dd was putting pressure on herself to finish the book every night. When I mentioned it to her teacher she was shocked as she said they would never expect them to read a full book every night. Her books are around 16-20 pages I think. We limit her to half the book a night and that's plenty.
He perhaps just doesn't realise what the school's expectations are. Maybe get them to confirm this and he may listen to them more.

AgentJohnson · 04/05/2023 18:03

He needs to back the fuck off and you need to protect her from his bullying.

I get the impression that you are grateful to him for ‘taking her on’ which has blinded you to his bullying of her, she’s 6 FFS!

2023forme · 04/05/2023 18:04

teezletangler · 04/05/2023 17:22

Did anyone else think the OP's DH was forcing the DD to read the AIBU section of Mumsnet? I clicked to see what the heck that was all about!

Me too!! I was going to say @user1469032438 should get her DH to read it!

Bloodynitpickingpixie · 04/05/2023 18:07

CheshireCats · 04/05/2023 17:11

Please stop him doing this to your daughter. Stop it today. It's upsetting thinking of your poor daughter enduring this.

I agree it’s upsetting.
I knew a man who did this. It is very bullying to make an upset child do this.

fionaapple · 04/05/2023 18:09

She won't be comprehending the story if she is too tired to read and is being forced to. I'm a TA and I only change the child's book if they've read it at least 3 times (unless the book is too easy and they need moving up). Reading it over a few nights gives her step dad the opportunity to ask her what they'd read the night before and see if she remembers the story or has any predictions for what happens next. I'd be asking what his reasons are for making her read it all in one go when she's clearly getting upset - I'm assuming you've told him to go easy on her?

Saschka · 04/05/2023 18:10

Jux · 04/05/2023 18:01

If these are banded reading books, one page is likely two sentences, with a fairly slow-moving plot. Reading one page per day would be like pulling teeth.

Honestly we always finish the book (me helping if needed) because without the pay-off of the ending, these books are pretty dull.

mrsbitaly · 04/05/2023 18:15

He's clearly proud of her reading progress and is trying to instil it even more, but it will end up having a negative effect. My daughter wasn't reading 30 pages in one sitting at that age. Speak to your child's teacher who will advise how much they recommend.

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 04/05/2023 18:21

Also don't know if this is relevant but the books are welsh as she goes to a Welsh school and I don't speak Welsh but DH does and DD is learning in school so I can't read with her very helpfully as I don't understand

It’s very relevant. I know of another father who’s first language is Welsh and he was beyond pushy with his children when it came to learning Welsh.

He has no business pushing her to these extremes. None at all.

RedHelenB · 04/05/2023 18:22

It's probably a simple misunderstanding. I would ask the teacher to put how many pages to read each night in the reading recird, that's how it used to be done.

Melroses · 04/05/2023 18:25

You can help them read longer books or passages by taking it in turn to read sentences/paragraphs which makes it more of a game and gives a bit of breathing space for understanding.

He is being very unreasonable expecting her to read it all when she is tired. It needs to be fun and relaxing.

Oojamaflipp · 04/05/2023 18:27

Do we assume that your DH is a great proponent of the Welsh language? If so, I imagine that is where the doggedness is coming from, hes over-keen that she learn Welsh as I assume she will speak in English more in other areas of everyday life and he wants to make sure she learns Welsh as much as English. I can see where he might be coming from, but hes definitely going about it in completely the wrong way.

I like a PPs idea of you and DD reading together to try and help your Welsh too. Or mention to him that she is already way above average for her age, but that its important she understand the text as well as just read. Teachers were always stressing this with mine. Maybe suggest they stick to 4-5 pages, but he then asks her questions about it (in Welsh if necessary) to make sure shes fully understood it.

user1471538283 · 04/05/2023 18:30

My understanding of longer books at that age is to build up to novels. I would explain to him that her reading a whole book in an evening is the equivalent of him reading a whole novel.

He wants her to do well and I get that but ...

Not only is reading a whole novel impossible for most people but the point of starting a book, having a break and going back to it is to embed understanding and comprehension. So the next night he can check if she remembers and understand what she read.

I'm an avid reader and one of my favourite memories of my DF was sitting on his lap reading my school book for a while and then a hot drink together. This is the kind of memory your DH could foster with your DD.

StrawberryWater · 04/05/2023 18:31

He sounds like an asshole and a massive bully. Advocate for your daughter before she starts hating reading.

At her age 10-20 minutes of reading is more than enough. That equates to about 4 to 5 pages (which is manageable as the books aren't dense or wordy). Or until she gets fed up.

CabernetSauvignon · 04/05/2023 18:31

Wouldn't it be simplest to ask the teacher what they expect of your daughter given her age, ability, etc? If she says they only expect her to read a certain number of pages at the moment, would your DH accept that?

whattodoisthequestion · 04/05/2023 18:38

As a volunteer in a school, I think you could easily stretch that book over 3 days, my child is in year 2 and I wouldn't expect her to read it all in a day

Dracuuule · 04/05/2023 18:41

How much does he read?

Lifeinlists · 04/05/2023 18:42

Is he wanting to bask in misplaced reflected glory around the Welsh language? Your DD has to be the best reader in the class so that he can boast how much he has 'taught' her. In that you don't speak Welsh, this sounds like he's got the upper hand.

He's behaving like a bully and needs to stop. This could have a bad effect on your Dd's mental wellbeing. She must dread these sessions.

bellac11 · 04/05/2023 18:47

Parents dont always get things right first time, either you or the teacher need to set out that this isnt the right way to help her learn.

dottyhearts · 04/05/2023 18:55

Am I the only person who thought he was forcing her to read AIBU on Mumsnet

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