Don’t want husband to have weekend away..

[verytiredd]

My husband has had a weekend away with mates in the calendar for a while, coming up this coronation bank hols.

I encouraged him to go as I feel he needs time with his mates & want him to relax.

However, in the last couple of weeks, our two young kids’ sleep has been atrocious (especially the youngest, whom I’m up with at least 5 times a night almost every night) and they’ve now picked up a nasty cold and we’ve all got sore throats etc.

I also start a new job next week. I’m quite nervous and want to spend the weekend getting kid stuff sorted & last bits of prep (sorting childcare stuff, being on top of jobs etc). I didn’t know I’d be starting a new job when OH booked weekend away.

Accommodation was meant to be booked close to where we live, but is now much further away so he can’t come back if all goes tits up.

Part of me wants him to go because he deserves a break (he works long weeks & is fairly hands on at home), but the other half of me is so burnt out & sleep deprived & I don’t know how I’ll cope without him if the kids mess around all night. I can manage one, but when it’s two..there’s just no sleep!! I’m also knackered and just want to regroup before launching into new job.

AIBU to ask him to not go for the whole weekend? What’s the best thing to do without ruining his weekend? Eurgh, kids are burning me out!!

If you have a spare room, why not have a talk to him about it now, before it's too late and say you need to get some rest before the weekend and can he do three nights with kids.
Get yourself a decent night's sleep as a minimum.

There is no reason for him not to go and enjoy himself. You'll be fine.

To the responses saying I’ve changed my tune because I’ve been voted as being unreasonable..I’ve just given further context that I didn’t feel was in the original post. He is hands on, when he’s home - but that isn’t a lot in the week. And he doesn’t really help at night - partly because his sleep is more necessary for work, and partly because the kids don’t settle as well for him (his words, not mine). Some things aren’t so black/white.

He 100% deserves a weekend away, he works really hard and as many have pointed out, has had it booked for a while. And when he is here, he does help with the kids and that is exhausting.

My point isn’t that. It’s that I’m absolutely wiped, haven’t slept in weeks (I’ve been a parent for nearly 4 years with two kids that don’t sleep great, but this is worse than usual..), and I personally just felt like maybe there should be some wiggle room for him to come back slightly early, given I start a brand new job next week and felt I deserved just some basic, better nights of sleep and a little more support in the day before then.

If the situation were reversed, I wouldn’t be going. Or would have reduced a night at least. Because the kids take priority (they’re ill) and my partner needs a bit of support with them (they are both of our kids). I’ve historically cancelled/altered plans like this because of sick kids, or missed out when I had tiny babies because I was feeding etc and didn’t want to leave my partner to be swamped.

If I didn’t have a new job starting, I would probably just suck it up. But it feels unfair to go without his support completely when I just need to have a few calmer/more restful days before I start.

I’m nervous, ill, and exhausted. Surely this is what compromise in marriage is about; giving up just a bit of something you want to help when your partner feels like crap? I’m compromising by only asking he reduce it slightly and not come back ridiculously hungover & tired.

I realise single parents do it solo 24/7, but I am not a single parent and my OH should surely take some responsibility to give me a bit more support. I’m asking for one night less, not the whole weekend to be cancelled.

Let him go. Don't spoil it for him by guilting him. Be calm and plan how to get through the weekend. Insist you both focus on the jobs that need doing before he goes, sorting childcare etc. Then as pp said, easy food, easy activities, stay at home or in the garden, go to bed when kids do and when he gets home on Sunday, go straight to bed!

Based on your update, I'd say reasonable for him to come back after the second night, unless the third is the focus of the trip

I would let him have his weekend away. But while he is away do as little as possible around the house. Get Uber eats and just relax. Get stuff sorted for your new job before he goes and let him know he needs to be back by 3 on the Monday.
Then book yourself a night or two away for a weekend coming up. Turn your phone off because even if it goes tits up you aren’t coming back. Since you are both working alternate who gets up with the kids. Don’t let yourself get into such an exhausted state.

Sorry, but YABU - suck it up.

I suggest you book a night in a hotel for the evening he returns. Pack your work outfit, get a full night of uninterrupted sleep and then arrive at your first day straight from the hotel, completely refreshed.

And book your own weekend trip away asap.

Oooo this sounds good. I wouldn’t tell him you are going so he can’t come late and ruin your night.

How old are your children OP?

I’m not made of money..Uber eats (which we don’t get in my area) is expensive to do for one meal, let alone a whole weekend.

And a hotel 😂 surely it’s more reasonable to ask him to come home an evening early than disappear, without notice, to a hotel for the night? Which I also cannot finance..in the midst of a cost of living crisis where we barely have enough to do a monthly food shop. I’m also responsible for getting kids to childcare before work..they don’t just magically arrive.

I’d love a weekend away, don’t disagree, and will try and sort something soon. I’ll also be flexible with changing that, should the needs of my family change.

What sort of ‘kids stuff’ and ‘childcare stuff’ could you even be doing the weekend before a new job?? This just sounds like an excuse not a real reason.

I can’t see how his weekend away impacts you starting your new job at all really.

It’s clear I’m voted as unreasonable so I don’t feel the need to keep checking anymore. He’s going for the weekend anyway, and he himself has offered to come back slightly earlier on Sunday evening as some others are also leaving ahead of their early check out Monday. I am sucking it up, as so many of you have kindly said.

I’ll remember next time I need an emotional battering to come to Mumsnet!

Sorry people were so horrible OP, some of us get it. Glad he is coming back a bit earlier, hopefully not too hungover to be any use xx

You say you'd have shortened it yourself but that was your choice, a choice BTW he has made himself now anyway

Asking him to cut it short was the unreasonable part. You wouldn't have been happy if it was you going away and he ASKED you to cut it short

You came here to ask for opinions and you got them. No point being stroppy just because people didn't say what you wanted them to.

I don't think you are being unreasonable OP. The situation has changed somewhat since the trip was booked and although it would feel unfair to ask him not to go, you are stressing over not being able to cope with no sleep and starting a new job. totally understandable.

And the decision is ultimatley his, but when you have a family sometimes things don't always go to plan. And plans may have to change. And this is a classic example.
If you weren't sleep deprived and starting a new job there would be no problem, but these things have come up at the unfortunate timing of his trip.

What would happen if he didn't go? Is it for a special occasion, like never to be repeated or can he join in on the next one when things are much calmer and his wife won't be left running round like a headless chicken while he whoops it up? if its a trip that can never be repeated, like a stag do or someones birthday or something, then you need to take that into consideration and try and get him to help as much as possible before he goes so its easier for you. If its just a random weekend that he can do another time, then I think he'd be a bit selfish to not consider not going or trying to work with you to find some sort of compromise, given the situation now.

I think just talk to him and tell him you are panicking about coping and see what ideas he comes up with to help. Any decent man wouldn't sod off on a jolly leaving his wife obviously not coping well and left to sort it all without trying to help find a good solution. Likewise think what you would do if the roles were reversed and he was having a wobble about coping with everything coinciding with your trip. I am sure you would do your best to help find some sort of solution or compromise which benefitted you both. Honestly tell him how you are feeling. He would likely feel awful if he did go, not knowing how you are stressing about it all and find out on his return you really hadn't coped.

She has cancelled plans and altered them for her family. Its good to read that her husband is more understanding and not obtuse as some of the posters on here.

No point in being obtuse when the op feels vulnerable and stressed. Luckily she has an understanding husband who will come home a day early.

Are you jealous?

Of what? 🤔

I'd set out really clearly how house and childcare arrangements are going to work with your new job otherwise you'll end up doing everything whilst he 'prioritises his sleep'.

Great that he's coming home early. Could you also maybe get some help from grandparents or siblings during the weekend? Maybe the 4 yo could sleep over at least one night?

YABU, he needs his time off, you will survive on your own. Just manage your sleep and workload and get everything ready. I have been a single parent most of my life and I managed. MAke sure you get a weekend away for yourself to recuperate when he is back and able to pull his weight so you aren't just the one working and looking after the kids

Yep. You’re being unreasonable!

and selfish!!

get a sitter (friend, play date, whatever) if you need to prep.

ZOMBIE THREAD

@NoThanksymm Given that the OP was posting in May, about a trip that was happening over the Coronation weekend, I think it's probably a bit late to be giving her advice now.