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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Don’t want husband to have weekend away..

99 replies

verytiredd · 02/05/2023 21:28

My husband has had a weekend away with mates in the calendar for a while, coming up this coronation bank hols.

I encouraged him to go as I feel he needs time with his mates & want him to relax.

However, in the last couple of weeks, our two young kids’ sleep has been atrocious (especially the youngest, whom I’m up with at least 5 times a night almost every night) and they’ve now picked up a nasty cold and we’ve all got sore throats etc.

I also start a new job next week. I’m quite nervous and want to spend the weekend getting kid stuff sorted & last bits of prep (sorting childcare stuff, being on top of jobs etc). I didn’t know I’d be starting a new job when OH booked weekend away.

Accommodation was meant to be booked close to where we live, but is now much further away so he can’t come back if all goes tits up.

Part of me wants him to go because he deserves a break (he works long weeks & is fairly hands on at home), but the other half of me is so burnt out & sleep deprived & I don’t know how I’ll cope without him if the kids mess around all night. I can manage one, but when it’s two..there’s just no sleep!! I’m also knackered and just want to regroup before launching into new job.

AIBU to ask him to not go for the whole weekend? What’s the best thing to do without ruining his weekend? Eurgh, kids are burning me out!!

OP posts:
minipie · 02/05/2023 22:37

I think you absolutely should get him to do all night wakings for the next 3 nights. Not as some sort of tit for tat but a) so you can get well before the weekend and your new job and b) so that he has some inkling of what it will be like for you while he’s away and might - hopefully - offer to cut it short by himself.

Starting the new job is the priority here, you do not want to be unwell and exhausted for that. If that means the trip gets cut short then so be it.

I am willing to bet that if you had a trip away booked and he then had an unexpected new job come up or some other big deal re his career, he would expect you to change your plans so he wasn’t exhausted and ill.

Mangotime · 02/05/2023 22:41

I have to say that I’d been absolutely devastated if a weekend that I’d organised, booked, paid for and looked forward to was cut short because my husband was tired and the kids had a cold. And likewise I’d never expect him to cut short a much looked forward weekend away, possibly coming home at lunchtime but not cutting the nights off. I think asking that shows a really shocking lack of care for your loved one.

ComeTheFuckOnBridgett · 02/05/2023 22:41

Ridiculous

LifeIsHardAlways · 02/05/2023 22:44

I say you’re NOT being unreasonable. If you’re dealing with being up in the night every night without help, then you should get the weekend to rest, especially with starting a new job. If it was me and my husband, neither of us would leave the other in your position.
If he must go at the weekend, then he should do the nights between now and then so you can sleep.

Fizzadora · 02/05/2023 22:44

Well to be honest, if he had anything about him, he would have already be aware that the kids are sleeping badly, you are all ill and you have a new job to think about.
Why hasn't he already cancelled his weekend? Because let's face it, if it was the other way round, you would have already done it wouldn't you?
Why do so many women put up with this shit?

Blondewithredlips · 02/05/2023 22:44

YABU

BartsLongLostBro · 02/05/2023 22:49

You are unstandably woried about your new job. Even if he were here you would be feeling anxious about that.

Kay286 · 02/05/2023 22:50

No you agreed to it you have to let it him go ! Very unreasonable to cancel now. The work trips are separate. Just ask him to do some extra help with laundry/ housework during week before he goes to get ahead of things.

Summerfun54321 · 02/05/2023 22:59

Can't you just all sleep in one room or one bed for the weekend and limit time you need to get out bed to tend to the children? Just spend as much time lying down as possible. Eat easy food, have a chill out weekend at home.

Get a nice work outfit ready for Monday and sack off all the other jobs.

Summerfun54321 · 02/05/2023 23:01

Fizzadora · 02/05/2023 22:44

Well to be honest, if he had anything about him, he would have already be aware that the kids are sleeping badly, you are all ill and you have a new job to think about.
Why hasn't he already cancelled his weekend? Because let's face it, if it was the other way round, you would have already done it wouldn't you?
Why do so many women put up with this shit?

If you cancelled plans every time one parent was tired, had a work commitment or the kids were ill, you'd never do anything!

MattTebbuttsDenimShirt · 02/05/2023 23:01

Long term single parent to 2. Well, Blummin grandma now to one of em 🤣

I think you've had some harsh replies.

Yes, I did have to do everything on my own. BUT starting a new job is a big thing, mentally and emotionally.

I would want to know that I could have a decent night's sleep beforehand purely for that. Yes, I've been there and had to do it solo.
You do have someone there though, who could help ease the burden. And so he should, if he does!

I say if he does, because, if he's going to come home early and be an arse about it, you'd be better off getting you and all kids to bed by 8 and sleeping peacefully without the extra input!

Mmmm sleep....

Peachy2005 · 02/05/2023 23:32

Replies are harsh. He’s not helping out at all with the sleep deprivation issue! I think you should book in somewhere tomorrow night and take earplugs.

3 nights is a lot, especially if he’s unwilling to let you bank some sleep beforehand. I think he should be willing to cut it by a night…

Also, and this is a key point for me, is he going to do the typical bloke thing and come back in a complete state after 3 days and nights of heavy drinking and be fit for nothing for the rest of the week because he’s “so tired” (and probably expect sympathy while you’re tearing your hair out with the stress of it all)?

Humanbiology · 02/05/2023 23:50

minipie · 02/05/2023 22:37

I think you absolutely should get him to do all night wakings for the next 3 nights. Not as some sort of tit for tat but a) so you can get well before the weekend and your new job and b) so that he has some inkling of what it will be like for you while he’s away and might - hopefully - offer to cut it short by himself.

Starting the new job is the priority here, you do not want to be unwell and exhausted for that. If that means the trip gets cut short then so be it.

I am willing to bet that if you had a trip away booked and he then had an unexpected new job come up or some other big deal re his career, he would expect you to change your plans so he wasn’t exhausted and ill.

Best response so far relationship's is about compromise and supporting one another. The poor op has been made to feel selfish when she is looking for support.

Deathbyfluffy · 02/05/2023 23:53

Feelinadequate23 · 02/05/2023 22:10

I can’t believe the responses here. I wouldn’t be able to even think of going for a weekend away and leaving DH to deal with the situation you describe! A new job trumps a planned weekend away with mates any time! And he absolutely should be doing 50% of the night wakings, no excuses there. And 90% in your first week on a new job. Honestly, the mugs on this thread!

His break was planned first - sorry, but things booked ahead take priority.
Feel sorry for your husband / wife…

Humanbiology · 02/05/2023 23:58

Summerfun54321 · 02/05/2023 23:01

If you cancelled plans every time one parent was tired, had a work commitment or the kids were ill, you'd never do anything!

Show quote history

That's called being a partner and parent. Life changes when you have children the op is being a good mum looking after her children and also financially supporting them. She has prioritised her life for her children what about him he enjoyed the sex to and what he can't help out after.

Humanbiology · 03/05/2023 00:04

Deathbyfluffy · 02/05/2023 23:53

His break was planned first - sorry, but things booked ahead take priority.
Feel sorry for your husband / wife…

Show quote history

No it doesn't your children come first not what your man wants.

AnObserverInThisDarkWorld · 03/05/2023 00:10

Is he never there or does he do his fair share?

Regardless- you encouraged him to go, it'd all booked and paid for (presumably money will be lost there) and if he does work long, long days then he needs a break

It sounds like you resent him having a break. Why does your work trump his for sleep? How long are his days, what time does he get up and what time does he get home for example?

Suck it up, do as much prep as you can now, run the kids ragged at the weekend, take them out and have a fun weekend of your own, then book yourself a weekend away later in the year.

ittakes2 · 03/05/2023 00:20

I have twins and my son did not sleep through the night until he was 4.5 years old you get used to sleep deprivation.

Humanbiology · 03/05/2023 00:23

I bet if he knew how you felt he wouldn't go or he would shorten his holiday. It did sound like you encouraged him to go or else he wouldn't go away with his mates. I don't think you would be unreasonable if you asked him to come home a day early. To make it up to him you can book a nice holiday away with your first salary for you all to go away together.

minipie · 03/05/2023 00:25

Why does your work trump his for sleep?

OP said DH generally doesn’t get up in the night because of his work.

And yet when she is starting a new job - which is a lot harder and more important - her sleep is not a priority, she just has to manage.

Spot the difference.

MattTebbuttsDenimShirt · 03/05/2023 01:16

ittakes2 · 03/05/2023 00:20

I have twins and my son did not sleep through the night until he was 4.5 years old you get used to sleep deprivation.

Here's your medal 🥇🙄

CremeEggQueen · 03/05/2023 01:25

I totally feel.for you, I know exactly what that's like.
Sorry I do think YABU ( understandably so) but you were ok when he booked it.
It's all booked, you said he deserves it - when he comes back can you book yourself in for something nice too? Just for you?
Maybe a spa day or an afternoon out with friends (or evening!)

Lampzade · 03/05/2023 01:48

I do feel for you Op. However, the trip is booked and you did say that your dh deserved the break
You just need to plan ahead; sort out groceries etc.
Isn’t it better he goes away and enjoys himself than remain at home bristling with resentment because he was unable to go to go on a planned trip?
It is only three days tbf. Book yourself a trip with your friends

nomoredrivingytu · 03/05/2023 02:34

YABU

Happyhappyday · 03/05/2023 02:36

OP, it’s completely reasonable for you to not want him to go and to share why it was ok when he booked it but now you’re struggling. My husband would definitely stay home if I asked in those circumstances and wouldn’t be a dick about it. At the very least, he’d go for two nights rather than 3, do 100% on Sunday and make sure I got a full nights sleep before the new job. I would do same for him.

You have young kids, that means sometimes plans get cancelled and you’re supposed to be a team. We’d also 110% book a babysitter for a full day in those circumstances. I’d probably ask our former nanny if she could do an extra (paid!) 12pm to 12am or something.

you could struggle through, but why should you have to?