Don’t want husband to have weekend away..

[verytiredd]

My husband has had a weekend away with mates in the calendar for a while, coming up this coronation bank hols.

I encouraged him to go as I feel he needs time with his mates & want him to relax.

However, in the last couple of weeks, our two young kids’ sleep has been atrocious (especially the youngest, whom I’m up with at least 5 times a night almost every night) and they’ve now picked up a nasty cold and we’ve all got sore throats etc.

I also start a new job next week. I’m quite nervous and want to spend the weekend getting kid stuff sorted & last bits of prep (sorting childcare stuff, being on top of jobs etc). I didn’t know I’d be starting a new job when OH booked weekend away.

Accommodation was meant to be booked close to where we live, but is now much further away so he can’t come back if all goes tits up.

Part of me wants him to go because he deserves a break (he works long weeks & is fairly hands on at home), but the other half of me is so burnt out & sleep deprived & I don’t know how I’ll cope without him if the kids mess around all night. I can manage one, but when it’s two..there’s just no sleep!! I’m also knackered and just want to regroup before launching into new job.

AIBU to ask him to not go for the whole weekend? What’s the best thing to do without ruining his weekend? Eurgh, kids are burning me out!!

@verytiredd you will be tired and burnt out regardless.
A work trip and working long hours is not a break.
Get organised now, while he's still here.
It's a few days.
You will cope

You need to find the compromise before he goes and for coming back.

So he takes over or does a bulk of the nights for the rest of the week (he's getting a rest at the weekend!) and comes home by lunchtime on the Monday so you can get a sleep in

He went pretty quickly from “fairly hands on at home” to never there/never helping, as soon as the consensus was YABU. Which, by the way, you are.

Answers didn’t go,your way so you tried to sway it?

let him go, you’re not going to be sleeping anyway,

get a grip this has been planned. you are a parent and this is what parents have to deal with

YABU. Lean on whatever you need to to get through the weekend, and take some time for yourself another weekend.

Yabu; he’s planned the weekend away so he’s going.

You've got Wednesday and Thursday to ask him for what you need so you can do the minimum over the weekend.
I'd concentrate on prioritising the list instead of drip feeding.

Having a husband that works away is NOT being a solo parent.

Having nobody to share the responsibility, decision making, emotional side, health worries, discuss anything with ... not even anyone to share the joys of parenting with; the highs as well as the lows.

Having the entire weight of responsibility on your shoulders is solo parenting .... not just having another parent who is geographically somewhere else so you have the day to say stuff to manage alone.

Instead of doing the tit-for-tat "he's gonna be doing all the nights for a week" thing, why not say to him that you think it's a great idea to have a weekend away with friends, and book your own?

Because it's genuinely a great idea, and everyone (well, nearly everyone) needs time away from it all every now and then.

I can’t believe the responses here. I wouldn’t be able to even think of going for a weekend away and leaving DH to deal with the situation you describe! A new job trumps a planned weekend away with mates any time! And he absolutely should be doing 50% of the night wakings, no excuses there. And 90% in your first week on a new job. Honestly, the mugs on this thread!

Explain how you feel and ask him to do two nights child care before he goes away and get yourself some decent sleep then you will feel able to cope.
Whilst he is away,bribe dc to behave whilst you prep for new job then down tools and the three of you do nothing but chill out.If you can get them out for long walks in the fresh air to exhaust them all the better!
are they playing you up because they know you're exhausted?if you can,firmly nip all the night attention seeking in the bus before it becomes routine.
and book yourself a couple of nights away too!
💐 for you,the universe can hear your thoughts,keep picturing a great weekend and that's what you will have.🌈

Christ do you REALLY have to be such a bunch of heartless bitches to someone whose clearly struggling?

For what it's worth I think he needs to go away too, but there are ways to gently tell someone this without giving them a kicking!

Get him to do a couple of nights before he goes and the night before your new job. And do the prep you need before he goes. You'll get through this

Sorry, YABU. I know it's tough sometimes, but he works hard and deserves a break. You do as well, obviously, but it's not your turn this weekend, he will be looking forward to it.

Sorry but try having 3 under 2s all ill right now alone and up pretty much all night for the last week. My hubby is currently away visiting family tho he took persuading but i didnt want him to lose out on his week off and because kids came down ill I offered to stay home and I just get on with it as your supposed to. Its called long suffering love smile and grumble inside haha

YABU on the weekend, but he is being very unreasonable on the getting up to DC at night. He's their parent too, if you're both working he should be sharing the nights. You need something more sustainable for the long term. He needs to pick say 2 nights where he's on duty for wake ups and 2 mornings he gets up with them, could be 2 different mornings and 2 different nights. What you have is going to burn you out, that's the more important issue there. I'd suck this weekend up, but make it clear things have to change going forward.

Also agree with a PP solo parenting is not a partner that works away. That can be really hard yes, but it's not the same as being responsible for and doing absolutely everything on your own.

I think that weekend away is the straw thats braking the camels back rather than the issue, which is that he prioritises his sleep on an ongoing basis and you're burnt out.

Organise yourself before he goes, ask for him to pitch in a fair amount this week and come up with a plan so you're not on the brink going forward and him not being there doesn't feel like the end of the world.

Solo parenting isn't a DH working away or long hours or on a work trip, there no comparison.

Much more to this than you being "burntout"

My thoughts precisely.

I always find these thread amusing:
OP: AIBU?
general consensus: yes, you are
OP: but did I mention my husband never does a night feed, hasn’t washed up since 2012 and won’t walk the dog unless it’s at least 24 degrees?!

OP, if he’s a shit and isn’t doing his fair share then that’s a different thread entirely. You originally said he works a lot and is fairly hands on. Based on that, and the fact that his weekend away has been planned for some time, yes YABU.
If you genuinely think he doesn’t pull his weight (and I mean if you thought that before this thread wasn’t going the way you’d hoped) then that’s a separate issue and is in my opinion is something to be dealt with after his weekend away.

I vividly remember hating DH going away with friends for a weekend, which joined two weeks of parenting/working/juggling together for me. I didn't ask him not to go, but I did expect more help when he got back. He always did 50% of the nights anyway, but we were still both totally exhausted, getting up sometimes 8 times per night with chronically poorly toddlers. Then DH died one day, completely out of the blue. I went from wondering how to survive 4 days of single parenting to enduring ten years of solo parenting (where there is no-one to message to ask for help/opinions/reassurance/love) overnight. It kind of put it in perspective!

I wouldn't want to start a new job on my knees and I think DH would have arranged to get back by about 4pm to help with bath and bed and I'd then go to bed with a pair of earplugs in asap. He'd do the nights that first week.

What do you want? A Blue Peter badge or something?

Well done, you're a cool wife 👏

Ask him to come back for lunch time on Monday? Then you can spend the afternoon getting yourself organised. I’d also (and not in a tit for tat way, just in a recovery way) book myself into a Premier Inn or similar for Monday night so you can have a really good sleep and go to your new job from there.

I think the replies are harsh OP, I have a young baby who has had really bad spells with sleep (waking every 30 mins) and doing days and nights alone is a killer. It really makes me feel down when I known I'm going to be alone with no support, and that's just one child.

I completely appreciate it's booked etc but I think my DP would cut it down to one overnight stay under these circumstances. Would yours consider doing 2 says with friends but just one overnight?

@SteelMack - totally agree with this x

I think the OP is being unreasonable, but I'm certainly no mug. My dh would never expect me to cancel my plans/weekend away, nor would I him. There's so much the OP can do now, before he actually goes away to solve her problems or at least work towards them. I don't know, I've done the sleepless nights, as has my dh, in fact dh has done far more solo weekends than I have, as I've been off having weekends away. I honestly can't see how a new job should stop her husband going away. They BOTH need to get organised before he goes away, then op can relax over the weekend, take the dc out, tire them out. Personally I'd suck it up for someone I love to enjoy themselves. Then I would be having my weekend away in a few weeks time too.