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AIBU?

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Original poster

How to handle this tactfully

52 replies

PsychoHotSauce · 02/05/2023 13:29

I have a (lovely) neighbour. We've both lived in the block for 5years+. He was friends with my NDN who moved out last year. By all accounts they were close (both male) and would hang out in each others flats and have a few drinks and watch a movie or whatever.

I'd met both neighbours a handful of times, but I swapped numbers with the one that hasn't left because of a letting agent issue and it was nice to have someone that we could both vent to.

He seems to think we're gonna have a hanging out friendship similar to old NDN. He keeps inviting me round for "movie night" and offers to cook at his place and generally finding any excuse to just be proper friends.

I'm friendly, always reply to his texts and chat, but don't really want more. The thing is, I'm rarely at my flat. It's a great excuse, as I stay at my DMs most of the time because she has a bigger place with more space for me to WFH, and I just don't leave Grin I come back here for post and different clothes and to check on the place.

Anyway, I've come back and didn't tell him, and he randomly texted anyway asking when we were gonna do movie night. I left him on read for about half an hour and he's ramped up the clingy lately so messaged again saying it'd be sooo awesome to hang out. I've said I have a rotten cold and only came back to straighten the place up before inspection so probably not. He again said oh it'll still be great to see you, even if you're ill.

I sent him a video of my bathroom light flashing when its off (there's a running joke that every time I come back, something else has gone wrong) and now he's sending me hug emojis and being all sympathetic. I always moan about the flat in a joking way, like "wtf now", never in a "omggg save me way". I did not ask for hugs nor sympathy.

He's a nice bloke. Lonely I think, and socially awkward a bit (like me). I just don't want what he wants, and for all my normal directness I cannot communicate this to him. Its like kicking a puppy.

I've kind of got to the point where I either pacify him by watching a movie with him to shut him up (until next time) in which case I'm encouraging a level of friendship I don't want, or fob him off with (genuine) illness and bugger off to DMs, in which case I'm batting away texts saying "when are you back next". Please help. I don't want to hurt his feelings.

OP posts:
SweetChilliGirl · 02/05/2023 13:33

You're not being unreasonable to not want to hang out with him but why on earth send him a video of your light?

Diddelydi · 02/05/2023 13:34

Don't do the movie night, you will open the floodgates!

UndercoverCop · 02/05/2023 13:37

You need to be blunt.
Hi neighbour, more than happy to support with any tenancy issues/letting agency as previously, but I'm not looking for opportunities to socialise. If you want to soften it add,
Nothing personal just prefer to keep myself to myself.

jammiedodgerfriday · 02/05/2023 13:38

Why send him a video of your light, surely this is encouraging him?!

In this situation I'd just be upfront and say you don't want movie night now or ever. Otherwise this will just keep going on.

Be brief and quick to the point with your messaging and try and not engage him in conversation as much! Or better still, just ignore him. It doesn't sound like you want a friendship so I think it's a case of being cruel to be kind.

Original poster
PsychoHotSauce · 02/05/2023 13:41

Yeah I get that the light video might be seen as encouraging him but I have plenty of friends I would (and have) send that too that dont see It as an invite to immediately hang out? Why can't we just have that kind of friendship Confused

OP posts:
hugefanofcheese · 02/05/2023 13:47

Definitely don't have a film night with him. Don't send him any more stuff about the flat either. He's being too pushy. Are you partly going to your mum's because of him or is it genuinely because it's more comfortable there? If you're staying away from your own home even partly because of his attention that's not great.

You could reply to the next message saying 'I'm staying at my mum's currently except to check the place periodically, so won't be around for a while for anything like that. With this cold I just need chance to rest for the time being as work is so busy. I'll let you know if anything changes'.

It's not a direct 'never' but a bit of a halfway house between fobbing him off each time and a really blunt 'no'. Also gives you carte blanche not to reply to any further queries.

Blunt no is fine too, just a suggestion if you wanted to try an interim step

ISpyNoPlumPie · 02/05/2023 13:58

What have you tried? Would the following be options:

  • "No thanks" every time he asks, no further explanation
  • Be more distant, stop replying and sending messages
  • Explain in a gentle way "I'm not here much and when I am, I'm usually busy so this wouldn't work for me"
  • Explain in a not so gentle way... "I do not want a movie night, I am happy to discuss tenancy issues but I don't want to socialise"
Original poster
PsychoHotSauce · 02/05/2023 14:04

ISpyNoPlumPie · 02/05/2023 13:58

What have you tried? Would the following be options:

  • "No thanks" every time he asks, no further explanation
  • Be more distant, stop replying and sending messages
  • Explain in a gentle way "I'm not here much and when I am, I'm usually busy so this wouldn't work for me"
  • Explain in a not so gentle way... "I do not want a movie night, I am happy to discuss tenancy issues but I don't want to socialise"

I have to ask, are any of these what you would genuinely do, living in very close proximity? I really don't want passing in the hall to be awkward or uncomfortable for either of us, or to hurt his feelings unnecessarily.

I have no problems saying what I want, setting boundaries, but there are consequences here that these suggestions don't seem to consider. We have to live basically next to each other. Even the gentle 3rd one.

OP posts:
Pinkdelight3 · 02/05/2023 14:12

You can keep it warm, needn't be frosty. Just a 'Not up for a movie night, thanks, too anti-social!' lol emoji or whatever. Be friendly on your terms, not his. It's perfectly possible to be a nice neighbour without being proper friends the way he's (misguidedly) expecting. Keep your boundaries in place, nice but firm. And dial back on the fun stuff coming from your end. Course you should be able to send it if the friendship was the way you want, but it isn't - you know he wants more so it's wrong to confuse the matter. Better to back off a little until he's got the message.

Talipesmum · 02/05/2023 14:12

I think you could send something like the third one. So if he messages again “sorry Dave, I’m not around much and I’ve got a lot on at the moment, best leave it for now”
Then do a lot of leaving messages unread for days at a time, and going a bit undercover (hiding).

ISpyNoPlumPie · 02/05/2023 14:14

PsychoHotSauce · 02/05/2023 14:04

I have to ask, are any of these what you would genuinely do, living in very close proximity? I really don't want passing in the hall to be awkward or uncomfortable for either of us, or to hurt his feelings unnecessarily.

I have no problems saying what I want, setting boundaries, but there are consequences here that these suggestions don't seem to consider. We have to live basically next to each other. Even the gentle 3rd one.

Show quote history

I think the second option would be easiest. I'd also do the first one. The third and fourth are trickier but perhaps needed if the message does not get through. What will the consequences be? You're not responsible for his feelings and you are allowed to not want to do something. What will you do if you won't evade his questions or explain why you don't want to do it? Just go along with it and watch the movie? Your choice.

Arucana · 02/05/2023 14:18

I have a rule where I’m friendly with my neighbours but not friends. My relative’s advice (they were a solicitor) as the worse fallouts they saw were between neighbours previously great friends. Just tell him you enjoy being friendly but you don’t go further with neighbours.

Thegoodbadandugly · 02/05/2023 14:23

It sounds like you need to be direct with him otherwise it will hurt his feelings more.

MysteryBelle · 02/05/2023 14:33

Now you might know why NDN moved away. But seriously, don’t encourage him by watching a movie with him. Don’t explain beyond “ah, my schedule doesn’t allow it” next time he asks to hang out. Don’t say sorry or apologize, no emojis (I realize he’s the one sending emojis but just don’t give him anything that will encourage him) that will be seen as trying to please or he will continue cajoling you.

I think he sounds creepy.

So, I would advise against telling him gently or otherwise that you don’t want to be hanging out friends. Next time he texts, reply, “My schedule doesn’t allow it. I’m busy with work!” Do NOT respond when he then asks about your work. Do not put a time limit like, “I’m busy with work right now” leaving open possibility that you will soon sit on sofa with him to watch a movie. No. I would stop responding to texts after that first one. Remember, you’re busy with work. Don’t explain.

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 02/05/2023 14:36

You don't want to spend time with him. There is no way to communicate this with him without him then understanding that you don't want to spend time with him.

Whatever you say, however you do it, for it to be effective you're going to hurt his feelings a bit. It might be awkward in the hallway for a bit or whatever, but thats life.

To get what you want in life , sometimes you have to inconvenience someone else.

QueenSmartypants · 02/05/2023 14:37

I think you're giving him mixed messages.

Yanbu to not want to hang out but the examples you give of chats and messages I think indicate that you're interested in being friends.

As others said, you need to be clear with him and this also means pulling back on the chattiness.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 02/05/2023 14:41

Is just start to pull back. Leave it a couple of hours before replying, then a few more.

When he asks about movie night, just say no thanks, I'd like a few evenings in on my own

You can say no and not have to make up illness. Wanting a night in is a good enough reason and any self. Respecting person will accept this. If he gets upset just tell him that you like him as a neighbour, but you're just not the 'hang out' type of person and prefer your own company

mischlerischler · 02/05/2023 14:44

I would stop giving excuses like having a cold, as he will keep trying again after a few days when he thinks you are feeling better again.

I would say something like: "Hi Dave, thank you for the invite, but unfortunately I won't be able to join anytime soon as I am really busy at the moment. Thanks again and take care!"

And don't send him anymore message like the one with flickering light, it's sending a mixed message.

gamerchick · 02/05/2023 14:47

He may have nagged your ex neighbour like this until he caved. Has the ex neighbour been back to hang out I wonder?!

Tell him you don't have any free time for the foreseeable. Don't give excuses to what you do with your time and no more chit chat if you really don't want to be friends. He sounds properly needy.

YouveGotToGrooveIt · 02/05/2023 14:49

Tell him you're busier lately as you've started seeing someone...

OneFlipflopleft · 02/05/2023 14:55

YouveGotToGrooveIt · 02/05/2023 14:49

Tell him you're busier lately as you've started seeing someone...

Yes! This! Not rude or unkind. I would chose this one

Pinkdelight3 · 02/05/2023 15:02

YouveGotToGrooveIt · 02/05/2023 14:49

Tell him you're busier lately as you've started seeing someone...

Yeah, this is good. Covers all bases kindly but firmly then pull back to pure neighbourliness.

MysteryBelle · 02/05/2023 15:05

YouveGotToGrooveIt · 02/05/2023 14:49

Tell him you're busier lately as you've started seeing someone...

This is excellent as it also gives him a tiny warning that you have someone looking out for you and for him to back off.

No hurting feelings, no excuses over and over. He is actually being very pushy in my opinion. Nip in the bud.

Original poster
PsychoHotSauce · 02/05/2023 15:09

OneFlipflopleft · 02/05/2023 14:55

Yes! This! Not rude or unkind. I would chose this one

Show quote history

Possible drip feed, but I did say I was dating last year and he got all awkward but then said oh, I was gonna ask you on a date. Feel stupid now.

Then I was the one who stupidly let slip I wasn't seeing anyone anymore, hence the ramping up. I think. Maybe.

I am a bit concerned about effectively knocking him back twice as I do want to date people. Just not him.

Don't come at me for holding that back because he hadn't actually asked me out and its been almost a year since the thing with the guy I was actually dating fizzled out. So I don't think shagging me is his primary motive. I think he wants a friend like he had with NDN.

OP posts:
ISpyNoPlumPie · 02/05/2023 15:15

PsychoHotSauce · 02/05/2023 15:09

Possible drip feed, but I did say I was dating last year and he got all awkward but then said oh, I was gonna ask you on a date. Feel stupid now.

Then I was the one who stupidly let slip I wasn't seeing anyone anymore, hence the ramping up. I think. Maybe.

I am a bit concerned about effectively knocking him back twice as I do want to date people. Just not him.

Don't come at me for holding that back because he hadn't actually asked me out and its been almost a year since the thing with the guy I was actually dating fizzled out. So I don't think shagging me is his primary motive. I think he wants a friend like he had with NDN.

Show quote history

Possible drip feed? You don't think him wanting to shag you is his primary motive? Really?? Stringing someone along is not a form of kindness.