How to handle this tactfully

[PsychoHotSauce]

I have a (lovely) neighbour. We've both lived in the block for 5years+. He was friends with my NDN who moved out last year. By all accounts they were close (both male) and would hang out in each others flats and have a few drinks and watch a movie or whatever.

I'd met both neighbours a handful of times, but I swapped numbers with the one that hasn't left because of a letting agent issue and it was nice to have someone that we could both vent to.

He seems to think we're gonna have a hanging out friendship similar to old NDN. He keeps inviting me round for "movie night" and offers to cook at his place and generally finding any excuse to just be proper friends.

I'm friendly, always reply to his texts and chat, but don't really want more. The thing is, I'm rarely at my flat. It's a great excuse, as I stay at my DMs most of the time because she has a bigger place with more space for me to WFH, and I just don't leave I come back here for post and different clothes and to check on the place.

Anyway, I've come back and didn't tell him, and he randomly texted anyway asking when we were gonna do movie night. I left him on read for about half an hour and he's ramped up the clingy lately so messaged again saying it'd be sooo awesome to hang out. I've said I have a rotten cold and only came back to straighten the place up before inspection so probably not. He again said oh it'll still be great to see you, even if you're ill.

I sent him a video of my bathroom light flashing when its off (there's a running joke that every time I come back, something else has gone wrong) and now he's sending me hug emojis and being all sympathetic. I always moan about the flat in a joking way, like "wtf now", never in a "omggg save me way". I did not ask for hugs nor sympathy.

He's a nice bloke. Lonely I think, and socially awkward a bit (like me). I just don't want what he wants, and for all my normal directness I cannot communicate this to him. Its like kicking a puppy.

I've kind of got to the point where I either pacify him by watching a movie with him to shut him up (until next time) in which case I'm encouraging a level of friendship I don't want, or fob him off with (genuine) illness and bugger off to DMs, in which case I'm batting away texts saying "when are you back next". Please help. I don't want to hurt his feelings.

'I would say something like: "Hi Dave, thank you for the invite, but unfortunately I won't be able to join anytime soon as I am really busy at the moment. Thanks again and take care!"'

I really like this one, but I think the 'ive started seeing someone' is even better. He's clearly interested in more than a friendship with you

I get that you want to be tactful, and that he's your neighbour, and you feel the need to tread carefully, but I think you are being way too considerate of someone who is being WAY too pushy with you. The first time he got a non committal response to movie night, he should have backed right off and left the ball in your court. You were even vaguely considering going round to his house for this movie night just to 'be nice'. I'm not having a go, because plenty of us have made mistakes and had to work bloody hard on our boundaries, but honestly OP, have a good think about how much this situation has rattled you, and how hard you are working to 'be nice' and keep this guy happy

Because I don't think he wants to shag me. I think he's lonely and likes to have friends to hang out with. I suspect ASD or similar. Like social norms are beyond his radar. Is that another drip feed?

Being happy to be friends on my terms I.e. friendly isn't stringing him along.

He literally said he'd been going to ask you on a date. That doesn't mean he's solely motivated by a shag, but it does mean this is not like the former guy neighbour friendship and it's explicitly about more than that. In which case, you absolutely oughtn't to encourage him to think there's any hope of that.

I am a bit concerned about effectively knocking him back twice as I do want to date people. Just not him.

I don't understand the logic of this. Why are you concerned about knocking him back once, twice or however many times it take to get the message? You don't want to date him. He's asking you around to watch a movie with him and you know he likes you that way. You need to only be concerned with clarity. Kindly, but clearly. You aren't interested in any of that. It's kinder to be straight and not carry on like it's the sort of friendship you wish it was. It isn't.

The you need to explain to him what your terms are - he doesn't know or understand that you don't want to socialise with him. There isn't really any way around that is there?

This. I'd honestly start to cut down on texts and take longer to reply until h hopefully gets the hint

Okay so he doesn't "take hints", not in the ND way anyway. So how do I word it that its clear enough that literally my boundary is friends who text each other and moan about the latest neighbour thats moved in/the letting agent and not watching movies or him cooking for him at his place. In the least hurtful way possible?

Because he's coming over in about an hour, i assume to swoop in and fix my light bulb which probably isn't an easy fix and I need to put him straight.

Yes. I am stupid to say ok you can. But I also know that he would know I'm a stairwell away and he could knock unpredictably if I didn't say yes.

Just tell him that you don't have time for a friendship. If he texts, ignore it, if he knocks, ignore it.

Polite Hi if you see him on the stairs

I find that when 'no' feels too jarring, using 'better not' is easier to say. I know some people would think that's too soft but I honestly find it helps.

So I guess in your shoes, when he asks about movie nights, dinner etc, I'd say

'I better not- I'm really busy, I'm not often around, and if I'm being honest, I'm only really up for friendly texts at the moment. Nothing else'

Hmm. Like others, I am not convinced he doesn't still hope for some chance to date you. It is unsual for someone to go from 'wanting to ask you out' to over keen friend without any link between the two.

Either way, telling him you're seeing someone will..

a) give you a polite reason not to go round for movie night
AND
b) his reaction will be a clear indication of whether or not the wish to date you is at the root of this

But I also didn't understand you reasoning behind why you don't want to 'knock him back twice because you want to date people'?

As he doesn't take hints, definitely avoid anything like 'for now' or 'at the moment' or he'll keep hanging on hoping that you'll be up for it soon. Be clear - and honestly seems like saying that you're seeing someone would sort it all so not sure why that's not an option?

Well, don’t show him videos of stuff at your flat, then accept his help with things, if you don’t want to be actual friends, I’d say. You’re the one giving mixed messages.

You need to say it how it is -

Dave, I know you’d love to do more hanging out like movie nights and stuff, but I am pretty antisocial, to be honest, and hardly ever around either so I just can’t commit to a friendship like that. I’m sorry, I know it’s awkward and I understand if it’s easier not to have any text chats or whatever. Thanks so much for fixing the lightbulb, honestly I feel so awkward about it because I know you’d like to be better friends but I just can’t right now.

This is good too.

'I better not- I'm really busy, I'm not often around, and if I'm being honest, I'm only really up for friendly texts at the moment. Nothing else'

Or you could say “I don’t have time to socialize, so busy with work and my time is taken up with work and my partner.” Yes, I’d go full partner because I think it might be necessary.

I believe in telling the truth but I feel that this guy is a little creepy. He keeps pushing you and now you’re having him over to change your light bulb? I think that is a big mistake. He is weaseling his way into your life and he’s using things that benefit you to get you to take the bait. That’s sly in itself.

Pushy neighbor: “Hey let’s hang out. Hey let me come over. Hey I can help you do this or that. You need this done, let me help you.”

Op: “I don’t have time to get together, (or “thanks, I don’t need any help”) I’m busy with work so my time is taken up with work and of course my partner.”

PN: “Oh, you have a partner? I didn’t know that. Who is he? How long have you been dating? Where does he work? I’ve never seen him.”

Op: “He’s great and between work and everything else, I’m really busy. Well, I’ve got to get going.” Brisk.

Later PN accosts you and says whatever. Say nothing. Give a small wave and small smile and continue on your way, to your apartment or outside.

I’m sorry, I think he’s acting creepy and pushy and you need to put formal, spatial boundaries in place.

And simply don’t answer the door if he knocks unpredictably.

Seriously, you are allowing him to steer you the way he wants you to go. He knows that he can guilt you into being “nice” to him. I’m not saying he’s dangerous but you need to read The Gift of Fear. He may be harmless by clearly he is pushing your boundaries on purpose. No one is that obtuse.

Can you say 'thanks for your help with the light. To be honest, I am sorry but I'm just not up for movie nights or hanging out with you at the moment.'

Op, he wants to shag you.

Invent a boyfriend and stop sending him
photos. Good luck

You cannot live a life that has other people in it without sometimes feeling uncomfortable OP. So you either carry on with this type of discomfort or you are honest and straightforward with your neighbour and experience the discomfort you're expecting when you see him 'passing in the hall'. I'd say the latter is fairer on both of you.

I had the exact same thing after one coffee when I first moved in. It got to the point he started signing for parcels & bringing them up & pestering every other day. I got the parcels sent to the corner shop opposite & made it clear it was coffee only never the constant pushing for meal & a film & he still pushed. In the end I texted that it was too much & I woukdnt be up for coffee any more either. I've seen him once since & he ignored me. Result. I had started to hate him it was so relentless.

Op, this is what you do.

Bring your brother if you’ve got one, or a cousin, or friend or coworker, anyone who might seem like a boyfriend, home with you and make sure NDN sees you. Have brother give NDN a withering contemptuous warning look as you go into your apartment and make sure you don’t smile at NDN and negate the effect.

Problem will be solved.

I agree with PP, he does want to bed you, Op. You might be surprised how long men like him are prepared to wait and even if they get action in the meantime they keep circling the prize (you). I know one who has been lurking 15 years, biding his time until his Lady Love gives up all hope of a better offer.
Make up a boyfriend, send yourself some flowers and if the walls are thin enough start “chatting on the phone”. Instead of saying you’re off to DM, throw in a couple of “Date Nights”. If that doesn’t cool him off then get a male friend or relative to pose as him picking you up or going round to yours a few times.
Then keep the messages about housing and formal only.

If he’s ND then you need to be straightforward and direct. NO HINTING! He won’t pick up those signals.

you may have gone too far for this line, but I would straightforwardly state that you are quite a private person and prefer to keep relationships with neighbours a bit arms length.

I would say that you prefer not to have people you don’t know that well in your flat, or to go to theirs, unless it’s an emergency.

DO NOT offer tea/coffee when he comes round.

You may have to say something like “thanks for popping round to help with the light. I don’t want to sound mean, but I’ve been thinking about it and I feel uncomfortable hanging out with neighbours, especially in each other’s flats. I’d prefer to keep things a bit professional between us.”

As an extra defence, definitely consider inventing a new boyfriend. Do not go into details, but if the opportunity arises maybe say that you aren’t around much both cos of staying at your Mum’s and cos you’re seeing someone.

stop sending gossipy text messages. Stick to tenancy business that you actually NEED to discuss with him.

He hoping to wear you down Op so that you change your mind and get involved with him and you're not doing enough to discourage him. I know it's awkward when he's practically on your doorstep but unless you get a bit tougher with him this problem will just keep on going. Be frank with him and say you have a full life and can't see your way to be being more than casual acquintances with him, it's kinder in the long run as it kills off his hopes of becoming something more.

I would try to push the meet ups further and further apart. It sounds like he wants really regular hangouts like you’re best mates so you need to kindly suggest that meeting him isn’t a top priority. So, next time he suggests one say ‘could we leave it a few weeks / until next month / until summer - I’ve got lots on with work etc at the moment and it’s hard to find spare time!’

^ pressed too soon. And then, when the time comes, I would tell him you’ve met someone and are pretty busy seeing him. He doesn’t need to know a thing about where you are (mum’s house) - it’s none of his business. However, it’s a kind way of saying you don’t want to make him a priority and your life is busy enough without needing a new mate. I think that’s kinder if he’s got problems understanding boundaries, clearly fancies you and you have to live next door.

Give up the flat- you don't use it so someone else could benefit from actually, living there and you could save your rent and bills.

OP you say you want to have a certain type of friendship on your terms but you haven't told him your terms.

If you cannot be blunt and say "I only want to txt you to moan/ laugh about things I dont want to actually be friends.."

..then you'll have to carry on lying and tell him something like "I have a new partner so i dont think a movie night is appropriate .. or..
"I'm really not going to have the time for movie nights etc so I cant commit to anything "

And for the love of god stop telling him about broken things in your home/sending picture..Hes going to keep offering to help as his way 'in'..
You are actually leading him on because you wont tell him the truth.