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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How to handle this tactfully

52 replies

PsychoHotSauce · 02/05/2023 13:29

I have a (lovely) neighbour. We've both lived in the block for 5years+. He was friends with my NDN who moved out last year. By all accounts they were close (both male) and would hang out in each others flats and have a few drinks and watch a movie or whatever.

I'd met both neighbours a handful of times, but I swapped numbers with the one that hasn't left because of a letting agent issue and it was nice to have someone that we could both vent to.

He seems to think we're gonna have a hanging out friendship similar to old NDN. He keeps inviting me round for "movie night" and offers to cook at his place and generally finding any excuse to just be proper friends.

I'm friendly, always reply to his texts and chat, but don't really want more. The thing is, I'm rarely at my flat. It's a great excuse, as I stay at my DMs most of the time because she has a bigger place with more space for me to WFH, and I just don't leave I come back here for post and different clothes and to check on the place.

Anyway, I've come back and didn't tell him, and he randomly texted anyway asking when we were gonna do movie night. I left him on read for about half an hour and he's ramped up the clingy lately so messaged again saying it'd be sooo awesome to hang out. I've said I have a rotten cold and only came back to straighten the place up before inspection so probably not. He again said oh it'll still be great to see you, even if you're ill.

I sent him a video of my bathroom light flashing when its off (there's a running joke that every time I come back, something else has gone wrong) and now he's sending me hug emojis and being all sympathetic. I always moan about the flat in a joking way, like "wtf now", never in a "omggg save me way". I did not ask for hugs nor sympathy.

He's a nice bloke. Lonely I think, and socially awkward a bit (like me). I just don't want what he wants, and for all my normal directness I cannot communicate this to him. Its like kicking a puppy.

I've kind of got to the point where I either pacify him by watching a movie with him to shut him up (until next time) in which case I'm encouraging a level of friendship I don't want, or fob him off with (genuine) illness and bugger off to DMs, in which case I'm batting away texts saying "when are you back next". Please help. I don't want to hurt his feelings.

OP posts:

Bagsundermyeyestoday · 02/05/2023 22:06

Notimeforaname · 02/05/2023 19:26

OP you say you want to have a certain type of friendship on your terms but you haven't told him your terms.

If you cannot be blunt and say "I only want to txt you to moan/ laugh about things I dont want to actually be friends.."

..then you'll have to carry on lying and tell him something like "I have a new partner so i dont think a movie night is appropriate .. or..
"I'm really not going to have the time for movie nights etc so I cant commit to anything "

And for the love of god stop telling him about broken things in your home/sending picture..Hes going to keep offering to help as his way 'in'..
You are actually leading him on because you wont tell him the truth.

This. Do you actually want to be his friend? It sounds like you are "leading" him on. Generally friends do occasionally hang out and it sounds like you don't want to do that.

billy1966 · 02/05/2023 22:36

MysteryBelle · 02/05/2023 17:13

This is good too.

'I better not- I'm really busy, I'm not often around, and if I'm being honest, I'm only really up for friendly texts at the moment. Nothing else'

Or you could say “I don’t have time to socialize, so busy with work and my time is taken up with work and my partner.” Yes, I’d go full partner because I think it might be necessary.

I believe in telling the truth but I feel that this guy is a little creepy. He keeps pushing you and now you’re having him over to change your light bulb? I think that is a big mistake. He is weaseling his way into your life and he’s using things that benefit you to get you to take the bait. That’s sly in itself.

Pushy neighbor: “Hey let’s hang out. Hey let me come over. Hey I can help you do this or that. You need this done, let me help you.”

Op: “I don’t have time to get together, (or “thanks, I don’t need any help”) I’m busy with work so my time is taken up with work and of course my partner.”

PN: “Oh, you have a partner? I didn’t know that. Who is he? How long have you been dating? Where does he work? I’ve never seen him.”

Op: “He’s great and between work and everything else, I’m really busy. Well, I’ve got to get going.” Brisk.

Later PN accosts you and says whatever. Say nothing. Give a small wave and small smile and continue on your way, to your apartment or outside.

I’m sorry, I think he’s acting creepy and pushy and you need to put formal, spatial boundaries in place.

Show quote history

I agree.

I get so uneasy when I read of women bending themselves out of shape trying not to offend the pushy, single minded male, that wants what he wants.🙄

I think the messages you have been sending are very mixed and it isn't likely to end well.

@MysteryBelle gives good suggestions to push back.

You don't want to spend time with him, and he clearly has no compunction about "messing where he eats", as he wanted to ask you out, so this is going to likely go around in circles until you are very firm with him that you are NOT interested.

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