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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable to think I have a right to be included in this conversation

73 replies

Pherian · 02/05/2023 12:39

My partner and I have been together for nearly two years now. We live together and he has three children from previous relationships. Two of which we live within 10 minutes of and have 50% of the time.

I am actively involved in their lives and have a good relationship with them and their biological mum.

When they are here with us I do the cooking and cleaning and child minding more so than he does.

School holidays as well as my birthday are approaching and I wanted to do something nice while they were off school and take us all away for a holiday. We didn't get to take one last summer due to finances but I've now sold a property.

The kids are 11 and 13 and the 13 year old is already not spending a great deal of time with us due to being popular and having his own social life. So it's kind of the final throws for a holiday away with them still being somewhat kids.

I asked my partner this morning when the summer holidays would start, I don't have kids of my own so I am not aware of these things most of the time. He gave me the dates and I asked him what his preference for weeks was to go away as even though the kids are with us for four weeks we are still working.

He informs me that his mother has already booked dates in July for a week away for us all.

I immediately got angry because at no point was I consulted about dates that suited me, it was just assumed that I would make myself available. I work on strategic projects in the organisation I work for and I actually need to make project managers aware of my leave dates in advance so they can ensure it doesn't impact on projects.

He doesn't understand what the problem is. So I must be insane.

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 02/05/2023 12:47

So he’s assuming you are happy to go away with his mother to the place she has picked and that you can have that time off work?
Hes the one who is insane

Stratocumulus · 02/05/2023 12:51

I’d refuse to go.
You are being taken for granted.
Back off & see what happens.

Maybe DH & MIL are trying to cut you out knowing about your work situation? Let them get on with it.
As you get closer to the date, book yourself a Spa break whilst they’re away. Make the most of some “me” time.

Original poster
Pherian · 02/05/2023 12:51

I don't mind her picking the place, just really wanted to be considered for the dates. It feels like I am not genuinely welcome.

OP posts:
BravoMyDear · 02/05/2023 12:53

I would also refuse to go.

Rainbowshine · 02/05/2023 12:57

“I’ve checked with work, there’s no way that I can get that week off. That’s what happens when you don’t include me in your planning. I also won’t be able to cover the summer holidays after all, it turns out that I’m going to be really busy. You’ll have to think about childcare and taking the kids there yourself as I can’t do the drop off or collecting either.”

Usernameismyname01 · 02/05/2023 12:57

If you can make the dates and want to go - just do it

Then re-iterate to him that for any future annual leave, he has to run it by you otherwise you might not be so lucky next time to get the time off

Don't cut your nose off to spite your face

CountryCousin · 02/05/2023 12:57

When they are here with us I do the cooking and cleaning and child minding more so than he does.

He has three children, from two previous relationships, and you look after two of them - but you have no shared children?

You weren’t consulted because you’re essentially ‘staff’.

KarmaStar · 02/05/2023 12:58

That is extremely disrespectful and rude of them.

tattygrl · 02/05/2023 13:01

So the DC's bio mum has booked holiday dates for you, your partner and the DC, or is she going as well? Either way, what a bizarre and rude way to organise a family holiday.

PicaK · 02/05/2023 13:03

My ex dh did this. It was small things but just showed a total lack of consideration. It's honestly something I suggest you go for couples counselling about. His lack of contrition is telling - you really need for him to understand why this is so huge. Ime you need someone else in the room trained to do that - or all you'll get is people focusing on the extraneous stuff about holiday timing etc.

kingtamponthefurred · 02/05/2023 13:03

CountryCousin · 02/05/2023 12:57

When they are here with us I do the cooking and cleaning and child minding more so than he does.

He has three children, from two previous relationships, and you look after two of them - but you have no shared children?

You weren’t consulted because you’re essentially ‘staff’.

I'm afraid you are actually lower than staff. If your partner employed a nanny to look after his children and wanted her to accompany them on holiday, he would have had to consult her about dates.

CountryCousin · 02/05/2023 13:23

The OP said her partner’s mother has booked the holiday, @tattygrl .

Snoken · 02/05/2023 13:27

I can see why this would annoy you. It doesn't seem like he considered you at all. That should be your argument though, not that you have to let people know at work since you would have had to do that anyway given you had just asked him which week he wanted to go away.

I would make sure he knows this is not simply a problem with planning or practicalities, this is a much deeper issue of you feeling that you are being taken advantage of and you get nothing in return.

CountryCousin · 02/05/2023 13:33

Oh, my word - just read this:

take us all away for a holiday. We didn't get to take one last summer due to finances but I've now sold a property.

Come on, OP - please, please tell us this isn’t real! I was already going to say it’s dangerous for you to become so attached to these children, when you’ve known their father less than two years. Now you’re planning to use money from your own property to subsidise his family?

Lost for words … Confused

furryfrontbottom · 02/05/2023 13:38

You literally are the gift that keeps on giving: an unpaid nanny who has offered to take your partner and his kids on holiday using your own capital from the sale of your own property.

It is up to you how you spend your money and your time, but you might want to consider

a) telling him the holiday dates don't suit you and having a peaceful week or two at home while your partner looks after his own kids on holiday

b) booking leave for when they are back and taking a trip on your own or with a friend, leaving him to repeat the exercise at home

c) holding onto the money from the sale of your property in case you need to buy another. Unless your partner is putting you on the deeds of his house, which I doubt.

ISpyNoPlumPie · 02/05/2023 13:40

This set up would really not be for me but I guess that's not up for discussion. Regarding the holiday, I wouldn't go. If you acquiesce, this will happen again and again. Saying, I can't get the time off work on those dates, you need to consult me next time would hopefully mean it wouldn't happen again. I would feel like I was cutting off my nose to spite my face but sometimes you need to or people will take advantage of you over and over.

Inthesamesinkingboat · 02/05/2023 13:40

He sounds like a peach. Presumably has them 50% of the time so he doesn’t have to pay maintenance and then finds some other sucker to actually look after them because he can’t be arsed. Does he pull his weight in other ways OP?

Gotafaceon · 02/05/2023 13:44

Are you paying for this holiday?

HadalyEve · 02/05/2023 13:48

Was he even consulted on the dates his mother booked? I know many families where the matriarch rules the roost and she tells her children when a family holiday is happening, and then they all roll eyes, whinge, but then fall over themselves to go because you don’t tell their mother no.

TinyPurpleFishes · 02/05/2023 13:52

Rainbowshine · 02/05/2023 12:57

“I’ve checked with work, there’s no way that I can get that week off. That’s what happens when you don’t include me in your planning. I also won’t be able to cover the summer holidays after all, it turns out that I’m going to be really busy. You’ll have to think about childcare and taking the kids there yourself as I can’t do the drop off or collecting either.”

This is pretty much exactly what I’d say.

Burnamer · 02/05/2023 13:56

Rainbowshine · 02/05/2023 12:57

“I’ve checked with work, there’s no way that I can get that week off. That’s what happens when you don’t include me in your planning. I also won’t be able to cover the summer holidays after all, it turns out that I’m going to be really busy. You’ll have to think about childcare and taking the kids there yourself as I can’t do the drop off or collecting either.”

Exactly

Thepeopleversuswork · 02/05/2023 13:58

Rainbowshine · 02/05/2023 12:57

“I’ve checked with work, there’s no way that I can get that week off. That’s what happens when you don’t include me in your planning. I also won’t be able to cover the summer holidays after all, it turns out that I’m going to be really busy. You’ll have to think about childcare and taking the kids there yourself as I can’t do the drop off or collecting either.”

This.

369E · 02/05/2023 14:00

YANBU, its very rude of him. I would say you have to work and then pick another week to go away on the holiday you planned.

.... with them and their biological mum. shes their mum. not biological. just their mum.

RosieLemonadeAndSugar · 02/05/2023 14:02

Presuming she's paying for you all ( which I'm hoping is the case because you haven't been consulted on destination, dates or prices ) then if you can get off work, go. Free holiday.

If work really is going to be difficult then just say and say you weren't consulted on dates so how were you supposed to know? They will have to suck it up.

Then take yourself on a nice weekend away with your house sale money you've saved on not paying for everyone else!

Seas164 · 02/05/2023 14:03

You're the nanny, the cook, the cleaner, and you'll stump up the cash for the family holidays too? He knew what he was doing didn't he?

I'd sit this one out, and draw some boundaries that mean that you aren't just part of the wallpaper going forward. You weren't put on this earth to be a convenience for him.

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