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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable to think I have a right to be included in this conversation

73 replies

Pherian · 02/05/2023 12:39

My partner and I have been together for nearly two years now. We live together and he has three children from previous relationships. Two of which we live within 10 minutes of and have 50% of the time.

I am actively involved in their lives and have a good relationship with them and their biological mum.

When they are here with us I do the cooking and cleaning and child minding more so than he does.

School holidays as well as my birthday are approaching and I wanted to do something nice while they were off school and take us all away for a holiday. We didn't get to take one last summer due to finances but I've now sold a property.

The kids are 11 and 13 and the 13 year old is already not spending a great deal of time with us due to being popular and having his own social life. So it's kind of the final throws for a holiday away with them still being somewhat kids.

I asked my partner this morning when the summer holidays would start, I don't have kids of my own so I am not aware of these things most of the time. He gave me the dates and I asked him what his preference for weeks was to go away as even though the kids are with us for four weeks we are still working.

He informs me that his mother has already booked dates in July for a week away for us all.

I immediately got angry because at no point was I consulted about dates that suited me, it was just assumed that I would make myself available. I work on strategic projects in the organisation I work for and I actually need to make project managers aware of my leave dates in advance so they can ensure it doesn't impact on projects.

He doesn't understand what the problem is. So I must be insane.

OP posts:

rogueone · 02/05/2023 15:35

together for less than 2 yrs, you are already parenting his kids and now post house sale- him and his mother are spending your money without even a thought. I am not surprised you are angry and i wouldn't be funding there holiday and would be reflecting on my relationship

bjrce · 02/05/2023 15:40

Sunraes · 02/05/2023 14:11

So are you saying you are paying for the holiday, didn’t really get to decide where to go or even when, and you look after his kids?

How on earth did it come to this, op?

In addition to that - could you also be paying for the DP Mothers holiday as well.
FFS! Wake up! Hold onto your money and get rid of the excess baggage!
You need to raise your Standards.
Since when was it decided that the mother would be going on holiday with you all together anyway?

Oh that's rights - you weren't involved in any discussion about that either - you were just informed.

Can you not see where you are in the pecking order???

HerrickForever · 02/05/2023 15:44

OP you’re a mug.

WinterofOurDiscountTentz · 02/05/2023 15:45

Don't call her the "biological mother". They only have one mother, the qualifier is really dickish.

Also, what are you doing looking after his children for him?

Batalax · 02/05/2023 15:47

Make enough of a scene that it doesn’t happen again.

greyhairnomore · 02/05/2023 15:47

Absolute cheek
Why are you acting as a nanny and housekeeper ?

BrightonBeach83 · 02/05/2023 15:49

I don't think you should be paying for holidays for your DP of 2 years and his DC out of the capital gain from your property sale.

pinkyredrose · 02/05/2023 15:51

Op have you sold your house to move into his house?

MeridianB · 02/05/2023 15:55

Just two years in and he’s already treating you like unpaid staff.

The thoughtless holiday plans are the very least of your worries, @Pherian

If you’ve sold a property to buy a place with him then please rethink. He’s already taking way more than he gives so this will just get worse.

His reaction when you tell him that you won’t be going on holiday with him and his mother will be telling. He’s relying on your for the wife work and cash!

3BSHKATS · 02/05/2023 15:56

Seas164 · 02/05/2023 14:03

You're the nanny, the cook, the cleaner, and you'll stump up the cash for the family holidays too? He knew what he was doing didn't he?

I'd sit this one out, and draw some boundaries that mean that you aren't just part of the wallpaper going forward. You weren't put on this earth to be a convenience for him.

Oh you forgot he gets to have sex with her too, please dont get pregnant with this Prince of men

3BSHKATS · 02/05/2023 15:58

Oh and do not believe the nonsense about if you use your money improvements to his home you'll be entitled to anything from the increased equity if you split up, you won't. If you must jump in financially with him, pay it off the mortgage and draw up an tenants in common % split.

DaaamnYoullDo · 02/05/2023 16:21

Sounds like you're just his unpaid nanny

TheIsleOfTheLost · 02/05/2023 18:28

I think the op is getting unfairly bashed here, we have all made poor choices in the past! Now though you do need todo something about it. Please ensure that your finances are protected and and stop being rhe last person considered. If you challenge him and he gets angry that you aren't just obediently towing the line, you will know how he really feels.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 02/05/2023 18:34

I think you should be grateful. He generously allows you to look after his children and tells you when you are going away without any consultation. You should be thankful and count your blessings that you found such a prince.

What some women fucking put up with. I bet OP funds the vast majority too. You can't help people who are this desperate.

CountryCousin · 02/05/2023 18:41

On one of the regular “Remember when it was all fields round here …?” threads, someone opined that MNHQ staff still sometimes make up threads for the general good of the community …

But I’m sure that’s not true.

Daffodilwoman · 02/05/2023 18:49

I also agree with Rainbowshine.
Op wake up and smell the coffee, he is taking you for a mug. Stop and take stock of your life.

Original poster

Pherian · 02/05/2023 21:36

Just to clarify a few things :

It's his mother making the holiday plans. She has taken him and his sons on holiday twice a year since before I came into the picture. It was never at set times and I've always been invited. This is the first time I was not consulted on the dates. She does pay and I contribute by booking and paying for an activity and some meals out etc. I've offered to pay for myself and she's refused.
I actually will be unable to go as I have a business case due by August and unless I work over the holiday, this isn't achievable. No one would of been aware of that previously which is why I am angry about not being consulted as I actually would of wanted to go.
The money from my property isn't being used on his house. His house is already in a very good state as he is a trained joiner and plumber. This is not his main profession now, but he's very handy around the house and anything I want done, he does it and has never asked me for a single £.
I contribute equally to the finances to run the house, but I do not pay the mortgage. I think this is fair. I work for a living and therefore can support myself and I'm not after any free rides.
My money will be put in savings bonds with NS&I until I decide what to do with it. He's not getting any of it.
We do not have joint bank accounts.
The holiday I wanted to go on and pay for is completely separate to the holiday his mother has booked.
He does pay his child maintenance - on all three.
I'm not subsidising anyone's family or kids.

I feel some people are actually getting pressed over me wanting to take my partner and two of his kids on a holiday, then ok. I went through a career change which he supported me through and I feel like now that things are looking up, I can do something nice for them.

OP posts:

Tinkerbyebye · 02/05/2023 21:56

Just let him take the kids with his mother. You stay at work. Then book another week to go away with him and the kids. If he can’t go I would go with the kids myself!

Batalax · 02/05/2023 22:00

TBF then it’s his mothers holiday with them. She’s paying and you are invited. It’s not unreasonable for her to decide where and when,

Inertia · 02/05/2023 22:10

He’ll have to step up and do some parenting in that case.

monsteramunch · 02/05/2023 22:11

When they are here with us I do the cooking and cleaning and child minding more so than he does.

Sorry OP, I'm no clearer on why this is the case? Why are you doing more than he does on these fronts?

SnackSizeRaisin · 02/05/2023 22:16

Rainbowshine · 02/05/2023 12:57

“I’ve checked with work, there’s no way that I can get that week off. That’s what happens when you don’t include me in your planning. I also won’t be able to cover the summer holidays after all, it turns out that I’m going to be really busy. You’ll have to think about childcare and taking the kids there yourself as I can’t do the drop off or collecting either.”

The OP likes the children and wants to go on holiday with them so how would that help? It's a mother in law/partner issue not a problem with looking after children.

SnackSizeRaisin · 02/05/2023 22:21

Are you more upset because you can't go or because they didn't ask you about the dates and that makes you worried they don't want you there? I would feel hurt too in your position - unless perhaps they just assumed you could go and will be sad you can't. Could the dates possibly be changed?

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