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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable to think I have a right to be included in this conversation

73 replies

Pherian · 02/05/2023 12:39

My partner and I have been together for nearly two years now. We live together and he has three children from previous relationships. Two of which we live within 10 minutes of and have 50% of the time.

I am actively involved in their lives and have a good relationship with them and their biological mum.

When they are here with us I do the cooking and cleaning and child minding more so than he does.

School holidays as well as my birthday are approaching and I wanted to do something nice while they were off school and take us all away for a holiday. We didn't get to take one last summer due to finances but I've now sold a property.

The kids are 11 and 13 and the 13 year old is already not spending a great deal of time with us due to being popular and having his own social life. So it's kind of the final throws for a holiday away with them still being somewhat kids.

I asked my partner this morning when the summer holidays would start, I don't have kids of my own so I am not aware of these things most of the time. He gave me the dates and I asked him what his preference for weeks was to go away as even though the kids are with us for four weeks we are still working.

He informs me that his mother has already booked dates in July for a week away for us all.

I immediately got angry because at no point was I consulted about dates that suited me, it was just assumed that I would make myself available. I work on strategic projects in the organisation I work for and I actually need to make project managers aware of my leave dates in advance so they can ensure it doesn't impact on projects.

He doesn't understand what the problem is. So I must be insane.

OP posts:
LightlySearedontheRealityGrill · 02/05/2023 14:03

So he has 2 ex wives and his mother is running the show. Are you seriously considering using house equity to pay for him and his kids to go on holiday? He sounds like a pathway to misery. Pull back on the house and child servant services and see what he really thinks of you.

Shortpoet · 02/05/2023 14:10

Let me tell you a cautionary tale about a friend of mine who had three properties that she rented out and entered a relationship with a man with two children.

Over the years she ended up selling the properties to finance the relationship and the children.

He eventually dumped her when she had nothing. No properties left and got made redundant so no income. She ended up sofa surfing at various friend’s place for a long time. She cannot afford to get back on the housing ladder.

Please be careful. Your unease isn’t just about the dates of this holiday. It’s the whole situation.

DelphiniumBlue · 02/05/2023 14:11

Depends on whether you actually want to go on this holiday.
If it's an actual cool destination that you would enjoy visiting with his kids and mother, then maybe suck it up work permitting, and make sure you are not so available for childcare for the rest of the summer to make the point about booking in advance - your management can agree the time off as a one-off but the quid quo pro is that you are in the office the rest of the summer.
If you don't want to go, then this:
"I’ve checked with work, there’s no way that I can get that week off. That’s what happens when you don’t include me in your planning. I also won’t be able to cover the summer holidays after all, it turns out that I’m going to be really busy. You’ll have to think about childcare and taking the kids there yourself as I can’t do the drop off or collecting either.” as suggested.
But you've only been with this guy for less than 2 years, you've assumed a big load looking after them, why would you consider funding a holiday for them all out of your own capital? Have you any idea how much it costs to go on holiday with teenagers?

Moveoverdarlin · 02/05/2023 14:11

But can you go though? If you can, just drop it. July is still a while off. If you can’t, then that’s a different argument.

Sunraes · 02/05/2023 14:11

So are you saying you are paying for the holiday, didn’t really get to decide where to go or even when, and you look after his kids?

How on earth did it come to this, op?

HadalyEve · 02/05/2023 14:12

I’d like OP to find out if her partner did actually plan the holiday with his mother or if he was similarly told these are the dates by his mother and was passing the info on.

fairycakes1234 · 02/05/2023 14:16

I wouldnt cut my nose to spite my face for the sake of it, if you have the time off, go and enjoy, if not, then dont go. I would make it clear though that this doesnt happen again, the grandmother is involved because they're her grandchildren and she has probably been doing all the decision making before you came along and old habits die hard (i love a good saying) Anyway, that my input for what its worth.

EatYourVegetables · 02/05/2023 14:19

A man who has three kids with two exes, lets you look after the kids and finance the holidays, and lets his mum book things for him without talking to you sounds like A CATCH. Well done OP.

userxx · 02/05/2023 14:26

You're a better person than me. Two years in he should still be wooing you, not dumping his kids for free childcare.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 02/05/2023 14:26

I really have to ask - why on earth did you sell your property?

You're not married and he doesn't sound like much of a prize. Three children from two previous relationship and you do the majority of the care for them while they're living with you. He can't even organise a holiday by himself - his mummy has to do it for him.

I would save the money you got from your house sale and use it by somewhere else as soon as you can. He's taking you for an absolute mug.

BigglyBee · 02/05/2023 14:26

kingtamponthefurred · 02/05/2023 13:03

I'm afraid you are actually lower than staff. If your partner employed a nanny to look after his children and wanted her to accompany them on holiday, he would have had to consult her about dates.

Show quote history

I agree this is worse than being staff. OP is being treated like a childcare appliance.

monsteramunch · 02/05/2023 14:32

When they are here with us I do the cooking and cleaning and child minding more so than he does.

Why?! Seriously, why do you do that?

Doesn't that show he's a shit partner and half arsed dad for allowing this to be the case?

So you do the majority of caring for his children and the home AND you were planning to use your money to treat them all to a holiday... only to be told the holiday is already sorted and your attendance has been decided without your agreement?

Mate, he's absolutely mugging you off. If you were my friend in real life I would want to absolutely shake you.

Please tell me you aren't trying for a baby together? If not, get your contraception watertight and think about whether this relationship is genuinely healthy and fair. It really, really doesn't sound it. At all.

Suzannargh · 02/05/2023 14:49

What’s the big deal? It’s annoying but not unreasonable that his mother would pick a week that’s preferable for her for a holiday she’s paying for, and you have 2-3 months to arrange cover, if you can.

You have the children for four weeks, one week’s with his mother and you book another week elsewhere for the five of you?

Or is the drip-feed that you / he can only take one week off work over the summer?

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 02/05/2023 14:53

I can be a twat sometimes so I think I'd dig my heels in and tell him I can't make it die to work and that he can go with his dm. I'd also reduce the amount of running around I do for my dc and pass this onto him.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/05/2023 15:01

He's been taking total advantage of you from the start, (because you allow it), and you're surprised now that he gives you absolutely zero consideration? I could have told you it would come to this from the beginning. You are the skivvy and the nanny, and I can't even wrap my head around why you've put yourself into this position.

Stop doing anything for his kids and see how fast the tides turn. You are a convenience for him.

CuteCillian · 02/05/2023 15:01

It sounds like MIL(? Are you actually married?)has probably got into the habit of organising summer hols for her GC, particularly as their father seems pretty ineffectual. And she obviously doesn't see you as an integral or permanent part of the family.

aSofaNearYou · 02/05/2023 15:05

CountryCousin · 02/05/2023 12:57

When they are here with us I do the cooking and cleaning and child minding more so than he does.

He has three children, from two previous relationships, and you look after two of them - but you have no shared children?

You weren’t consulted because you’re essentially ‘staff’.

This. Yea you should have been consulted, obviously, but bloody hell it is not the biggest issue here. Why the hell are you doing the majority of care?

PaminaMozart · 02/05/2023 15:06

Invest the equity from your house sale wisely, because as things stand you're likely to end up frittering it away on your useless partner and his kids.

Personally I would invest the money in another property. And seriously consider moving into it sooner rather than later.

Because you are turning into his unpaid housekeeper, nanny, dogsbody, and I expect this is not your life's ambition.

SistersNotCisters · 02/05/2023 15:07

Rainbowshine · 02/05/2023 12:57

“I’ve checked with work, there’s no way that I can get that week off. That’s what happens when you don’t include me in your planning. I also won’t be able to cover the summer holidays after all, it turns out that I’m going to be really busy. You’ll have to think about childcare and taking the kids there yourself as I can’t do the drop off or collecting either.”

All that.

My MIL did something similar. Booked our holiday for us, which we had to pay for, and didn't bother to check if DH was actually available. The ONE person out of the 10 person booking who had a job. She did know when his holidays were but said he could just go to two of his night shifts from the place we were holidaying (actually nearer to his work than from home funnily enough). We declined completely and she had to fork out to change the booking as we refused to pay our part of a holiday that we couldn't go to and didn't agree to.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 02/05/2023 15:09

Why are you basically a slave to a man and two teenagers who you've only known for 2 years?

Crimeismymiddlename · 02/05/2023 15:10

No, that’s ridiculous he did not consult you at all. Personally I would not want to holiday with my partners mother and he has assumed that you will just fall in with whatever. If I was you work would not allow it.
You need to have a larger conversation around this to prevent it happening again. I can not imagine booking a full holiday and not even asking the other person-that’s next level.

NotmykingEatCake · 02/05/2023 15:13

I don't understand why you'd want to go away with his mother and parent his kids for him. Enjoy the space!

Partyandbullshit · 02/05/2023 15:20

Bloody hell, OP. You're being taken for a mug! You do the grunt work for 2/3 of his kids, you're expected to be a 3rd adult to look after them on a JOINT holiday with a exes (wtf??!), and a time and place of HER choosing?? Can you see how warped this is?

You can do better for yourself. You are being taken for a ride, big time! I guarantee that if you stick with this man, whether he marries you or not, you and the other 2 women are going to be providing 95% of the care for his children between you (and none of them are even yours!). He's got you right where he wants you, he's found another woman to do his work for him. Gross <shudder>.

Ktime · 02/05/2023 15:23

We didn't get to take one last summer due to finances but I've now sold a property.

I hope you're not paying for him and his DC?

Mirabai · 02/05/2023 15:31

He’s having a laugh isn’t he. He’s got a cook, childminder for free and you’re funding his holiday which had been booked without you.

Get smart. Don’t waste any more money on him. Buy another property. Let them go on their holiday without you (which they can fund themselves). And take the time out to consider if this relationship is working for you at all.