I am so sorry this story is long. But if you want in on my life drama please enjoy!
I am 33F I have an opposite sex best friend 25M whom I’ve been friends with for five years we will call him Joe. I am married and have been madly in love with my husband 32M for 15 years and would never dream in a million years of leaving him. We are very happy together.
I am from Louisiana but I moved to the UK and became a citizen and live here with my husband and had a daughter with him about a year and a half ago.
Joe is also from Louisiana and he and I still play video games on playstation and chat on discord pretty regularly and have a gaming friend group and we hang out with but sometimes chat alone.
The thing is a few years ago Joe met a woman who was married and kept calling her hot and saying he wanted to date her. I commented on it and told him maybe it wasn’t a good idea since she was married because it might cause drama. He said “Yeah that’s the problem though. Everyone I am attracted to seems to be married. She said she’s unhappy with her marriage so I think I’m going to go for it.”
I figured it was none of my business so I said nothing else. But I thought it was weird that he said EVERYONE he likes is married because he never mentioned any other married women before.
We share selfies and pictures of our families, pets, gamer computers and art projects on discord and I shared a picture of myself after getting a new haircut and several of the boys commented that I was hot and Joe said “Wow I’m speechless.” We are the type of group that makes a lot of adult jokes and stuff and sometimes the guys drink too much and say stupid things. The guys comment on the girls pictures saying they are hot all the time. So I don’t really think I’m anything special. They’re just being guys.
During our gamer sessions he would often bring up the fact that he’s into the married girls and it’s a really big problem. There were times I felt like he was flirting with me but no one single incident that I could describe really. I had a really weird gut feeling about it so I went with my instincts and made a comment that he’s got a girlfriend now so he doesn’t need to worry about that.
Joe and his girlfriend dated for a few months and then she left him to try and repair her marriage. He was really devastated. I tried to support my friend but there was something that made me feel alarm bells going off. I knew he was really depressed about the break up but I felt like he was leaning on me in a way that was… how do I put it… unfair to my spouse I guess? I hope that makes sense. Joe would message me at like 3am and want me to call him and he would be sobbing on the phone and it would take me 2-3 hours to calm him down. I did this about 4 times until my husband commented on it and then I started distancing myself from it.
But Joe would say things like “I’m just falling apart. I don’t see any point in my own life.”
I would pretend like I didn’t see the discord messages because I was asleep but I felt really guilty about it.
Eventually I became pregnant and the pregnancy made me so sick that I kind of dropped off the face of the earth because I was having too many medical problems. I told my friends. They congratulated me and wished me well. We stopped talking for over a year because of it.
I got in touch with my friends group again and they welcomed me back. Another friend I will call Will updated me on everyone. When he got around to Joe he said “Joe’s not doing too well. Shortly after you left he changed and had a huge break down.” I felt really bad because I remember he was in a bad place but I felt like he should have gotten over the break up by now.
I talked to him and he said he was doing well but something was off about him. He mentioned he wasn’t sleeping well because of the nightmares. A few months went by and he would ask how I was doing and how the baby was. I would send pictures here and there but one situation sat weird with me. He said he had a nightmare but couldn’t remember it just as I sent a picture of my husband playing with the baby holding her up in a reusable shopping bag. He then said “Oh I remember! It was about this horrible giant four armed monster with two legs. It looked like a spider but had two heads and one was the face of a baby with a huge grin and it was eating all of my hopes and dreams!”
I… reread the “nightmare”. I looked at the picture. Four arms were visible. The baby’s legs were in the bag. Husbands legs were visible. Two heads were visible… One was a baby.
Why… what? Was it a coincidence? If not why would he be this indirect? I literally laid this all out for my husband. He said it was a weird coincidence but he thinks I’m over thinking things. I convinced myself he was right but it just… feels like more…?
I laughed it all off and didn’t say anything. I started slowly finding time between new parenthood and gaming at night and Joe seems himself slowly again. He starts making jabs that he’s still into married women and even his physical therapist. 🤦🏻♀️🤨 I tell him he’s a glutton for punishment. He laughs.
He then starts making jokes about how he’s kind of into single moms now… Why am I getting that nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach again?
Over time he starts talking about how great Louisiana is and how I should move back and talking about how terrible the weather in the UK is compared to there. It feels like it’s been escalating lately. The thing that’s made me really convinced it’s not in my head is recently he said he’s thinking about picking up a single mom.
I really have no interest in dating Joe. He is my best friend and I want it to stay that west. But I worry I’m like… somehow stringing him along without realizing it?
But if I confront him I’m worried our friendship won’t survive.
I know not everyone will get it but I really love hanging out with Joe as friends and we go way back. But if my instincts are true I’m a bit concerned about two things.
- That would mean he doesn’t respect my marriage.
- It would imply he’s had a crush on me for years and he’s potentially holding out waiting for my marriage to fall apart and he’s totally wasting his time, energy and emotions.
aibu to think that Joe likes me?
Yabu - you’re reading way too much into it. Joe doesn’t like you stop being so self centred.
yanbu - Joe has a crush on you how are you this clueless?
If I am not being unreasonable what is the best course of action? Do I just ignore it and hope he comes to the conclusion to give up on his own? Or do I say something to him and tell him to give up?