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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cancel on him?

53 replies

Mrtumblesndn · 01/05/2023 16:21

Name changed for this post !

My ex DP and I have been in a situationship for numerous years, he's recently moved back to his parents house and stays with me on weekends which suits me.

During the last few years , he's been happy for us to live as a family we've helped each other out financially/emotionally but he's been sneakily (I don't have an issue with the for the record it's the lies that irritate me!) Sleeping with other women etc anyway we carried on as we were as I felt no point arguing as we weren't in a relationship

Anyway, fast forward to this week, there has been a huge shift in energy, messages left unread, no calls, I recognise these signs so under no illusion their is a new female on the seen again fine I'm not bothered

My AIBU is I have recently applied and been accepted for car finance for a vehicle for him (long story) and them sat me down on Saturday evening and proceeded to list every single thing I did in the past when we were together that he has now decided he is angry about and can't see past? My worry now is that if I go ahead with the replacement vehicle I will be shafted and left with the repayments at some point , so AIBU to cancel based on his behaviour towards me? Side note we also have DC so he said by having a vehicle he can see them more frequently

OP posts:
AwaaFaeHom · 01/05/2023 16:24

The unreasonable thing would be to continue on with it. Honestly, it was a bad idea before he started behaving like this.

Cancel.

FrodisCapering · 01/05/2023 16:24

Cancel for sure.
I think it would be preferable for you to drive them to him if contact is an issue. Not ideal but better than being lumbered with a massive debt.

Original poster
Mrtumblesndn · 01/05/2023 16:25

I know you are right and this will probably cause a huge row but honestly at this point I genuinely feel I am almost past caring (as selfish as it sounds)

OP posts:
Testina · 01/05/2023 16:26

YABU to choose to be enmeshed in a shitshow like this whatever you do about the car.

TitInATrance · 01/05/2023 16:27

Cancel.

Original poster
Mrtumblesndn · 01/05/2023 16:27

I'm happy to drive the DC to him, not an issue, and yes, I know, I've realised I am worth way way more than this (finally!)

OP posts:
Tinkerbyebye · 01/05/2023 16:27

Cancel, both the car and him. No need for him to stay with you he can find his own place

LiliLil · 01/05/2023 16:27

You would be stupid to take debt out for him in your name, whatever it was for.

Can you afford the monthly payments and are you happy to pay them while he’s off out shagging other women, using the car you pay for?!

No, no and no again.

TheSnowyOwl · 01/05/2023 16:29

I don’t see what him seeing someone else has to do with anything but I wouldn’t have a finance agreement in my name for somebody else that I wasn’t in a committed relationship with (or wasn’t my child or parent).

Couldyounot · 01/05/2023 16:30

Why can't he buy his own car, or get Mummy and Daddy to help him buy one?

Original poster
Mrtumblesndn · 01/05/2023 16:30

He has said he will pay Me the cost every month and he's always been on time and paid back every penny when he's borrowed money previously - I am on his case about getting his own place but he wants to wait to save a deposit for a house 🤦‍♀️

OP posts:
Gymmum82 · 01/05/2023 16:31

Cancel. He can buy his own car and finance his own life. I’d also cancel him living at yours at weekends

nofusspot · 01/05/2023 16:31

You should never have been trying to sort the car out for him anyway - that's utterly ridiculous

nofusspot · 01/05/2023 16:32

Mrtumblesndn · 01/05/2023 16:30

He has said he will pay Me the cost every month and he's always been on time and paid back every penny when he's borrowed money previously - I am on his case about getting his own place but he wants to wait to save a deposit for a house 🤦‍♀️

Nah just be done with him come on!

gamerchick · 01/05/2023 16:32

Do you want to get me a car as well since you're open to being shafted OP?

That's how nuts it sounds

ThePants999 · 01/05/2023 16:34

I've read so many stories about people getting shafted by taking out finance for a partner's car. Doing it for someone who isn't even your partner any more is just asking for a nightmare.

Original poster
Mrtumblesndn · 01/05/2023 16:36

We split up 6 years ago for context, had no contact for 2 and then he, somehow, ended moving back in full time! I won't bore you with the details of what else I have done , I'm upset with myself for allowing myself to get in this position but I know its my fault and only I can change it

OP posts:
SmallFerret · 01/05/2023 16:39

AIBU to cancel based on his behaviour towards me?

FFS. YABU.

Let me be 100% clear: YABU to cancel based on his behaviour.
You should never have agreed in the first place.

What the fuck are you doing? It is NOT your job to worry about his finances, facilitate his finances, or use any regrettable current shared finances as a tool to signify displeasure.

If you were talked into this because he needs a "for the kids" - ALL THE ABOVE STILL APPLIES. It is nor your responsibility to ensure he has the werewithal to meet his commitment to seeing his children. If he needs a loan guarantor, he can ask his own family. If they say no, it will be for good reasons. Take note: you should have said no too.

Finally - stop playing happy families with him. Stop letting him into your house,
He is your ex for good reasons.
You already suspect he'd shaft you if you were silly enough to sign up for finance on his behalf, so why are you taking this idiotic risk? Sorry OP, I am not aiming to scold you, I want to shock you back to your senses. YOU ARE BEING USED. Get him out of your house, & out of your life. It's up to HIM to stay in his kids' lives.

CheersForThatEh · 01/05/2023 16:39

Mrtumblesndn · 01/05/2023 16:30

He has said he will pay Me the cost every month and he's always been on time and paid back every penny when he's borrowed money previously - I am on his case about getting his own place but he wants to wait to save a deposit for a house 🤦‍♀️

You arent in a relationship. Youd be fucking crazy to sign up to this.

Clean split.

LimeCheesecake · 01/05/2023 16:42

You will never find a man who is good enough to deserve your love when you are still giving all your time and energy to one who’s not worth it.

cancel - cancel the car finance (he’s single, he can work it out by himself), cancel the weekends at yours (he lived with his parents, contact with the kids should be there), cancel taking on his shit. Why does he get your support when you don’t get his? Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

Original poster
Mrtumblesndn · 01/05/2023 16:43

Thankyou - yes you are all correct I know, stupid me in the height of my feelings and hopes for reconciliation made me make some questionable decisions, but lesson learned, I will get on and cancel tommorow

OP posts:
LimeCheesecake · 01/05/2023 16:45

Don’t nag him to get his own place - that’s between him and his parents.

Original poster
Mrtumblesndn · 01/05/2023 16:45

Agreed - I've stopped the morning calls to make sure he is up in Time for work, he's not stayed this weekend and has the DC today

OP posts:
SmallFerret · 01/05/2023 16:45

Mrtumblesndn · 01/05/2023 16:25

I know you are right and this will probably cause a huge row but honestly at this point I genuinely feel I am almost past caring (as selfish as it sounds)

It can only cause a huge row because you have allowed him to remain a presence in your life.

As soon as you do the sensible thing & properly separate from him - no more letting him stay over, shag you (this is what "living as a family" really means, right?) between trysts with other women, & take your money for granted, he will unable to row with you, because you will no longer be available to him.

FFS cancel the agreement ASAP. When he kicks off like a whiny little bitch that his ex-wife-mummy won't pay his bills for him- block him on everything except ONE email account. Refuse to communicate with him on any other medium than that account.

Then if he wants to cause a row, he only has himself left to argue with.
Respond to NOTHING on the email account you allow him to contact you on expect childcare stuff. Learn how to Grey Rock, & how not to JADE.

https://psychcentral.com/health/grey-rock-method

https://outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/jade-dont-justify-argue-defend-explain

The Grey Rock Method: A Technique for Handling Toxic Behavior

The grey rock method is where you act unresponsive to protect yourself from abuse. We look at how to do this safely.

https://psychcentral.com/health/grey-rock-method

SchoolShenanigans · 01/05/2023 16:48

You would be a fool to continue.

If you're not in a relationship, you shouldn't be tying yourselves together like that. It's very risky.