To cancel on him?

[Mrtumblesndn]

Name changed for this post !

My ex DP and I have been in a situationship for numerous years, he's recently moved back to his parents house and stays with me on weekends which suits me.

During the last few years , he's been happy for us to live as a family we've helped each other out financially/emotionally but he's been sneakily (I don't have an issue with the for the record it's the lies that irritate me!) Sleeping with other women etc anyway we carried on as we were as I felt no point arguing as we weren't in a relationship

Anyway, fast forward to this week, there has been a huge shift in energy, messages left unread, no calls, I recognise these signs so under no illusion their is a new female on the seen again fine I'm not bothered

My AIBU is I have recently applied and been accepted for car finance for a vehicle for him (long story) and them sat me down on Saturday evening and proceeded to list every single thing I did in the past when we were together that he has now decided he is angry about and can't see past? My worry now is that if I go ahead with the replacement vehicle I will be shafted and left with the repayments at some point , so AIBU to cancel based on his behaviour towards me? Side note we also have DC so he said by having a vehicle he can see them more frequently

You treat like your adult child. Who left home, was useless at it so keeps coming home, needs loans etc.

Just
Say
No

He's an adult, he can be late, sort his own credit, find his own places to live.

Don't engage, don't discuss anything other than 'what time shall I drop the kids off?'

And email to cancel that car finance now!

Listen up OP.

Is it your house now - solely your name on the tenancy/deeds?
I think it is, as you describe him as "staying with" you.

It's hard to stomach the gall of the man. When you tell him you want him out of his house, he tells you he'd prefer not to, so he can feather his own nest (at your expense)?

Please - & I genuinely mean this kindly, I promise - WAKE UP. You seem to be still twisting yourself in knots to please this ghastly taker.
All I am seeing in your updates is he says he wants he promises.
Fuck that noise.
How about what YOU want?

PS stop viewing asserting your own wishes, & right not to fund a grown-ass man, as "selfish". It is not. He's obviously done a right fucking number on your head. Let me clear it for you: YOU OWE THIS SNEAKY CHANCER NOTHING.

Stop letting his "for the kids/as a family" bullshit bamboozle you.
It's all manufactured to advantage only HIM.

No I know you are right- alarm bells should have rang when he said we can only be friends with benefits if I agree not to sleep with anyone else because he can't cope with change and wouldn't want that , can't believe how stupid I have been, house is all in my name he's never been on my tenancy or paid any bills in his name from here

then he, somehow, ended moving back in full time!

Love the somehow - a superb example of the passive voice. He moved back in, OP, because you let him.

No more beating yourself up OP.

Most of us have been there in one form or another, although 4 years of allowing an ex to cocklodge is extreme (JOKE, pm me if you want my own sorry tale of DH-as-cocklodger).

Buy this, & start living YOUR life, not being his bloody handmaiden.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Woman-Your-Own-Right-Assertiveness/dp/0704334208

It sounds like you are moving in the right direction - he can’t have an argument with a woman who’s not taking his calls and isn’t in the same building as him. Best he can do is send you messages, very important - if it’s not about arrangements for the dcs, do not reply. Let him rant to himself, don’t reply. Just tell him you have cancelled the finance and he will have to sort it himself.

you are done, he’s someone else’s problem now- hurrah for not being the primary target for his fuckwittery anymore.

He's also stated he can't move on/be happy because I apparently destroyed him before and he now has this fear associated with it hence why he wants to be in control of contacting me at all times once he has dropped the DC back I am going to send a message and block him from everything

he said we can only be friends with benefits if I agree not to sleep with anyone else because he can't cope with change and wouldn't want that
Jeeeesus christ.

OP get him out as soon as you can. No other words.

He's also stated he can't move on/be happy because I apparently destroyed him before and he now has this fear associated with it hence why he wants to be in control of contacting me at all times once he has dropped the DC back I am going to send a message and block him from everything

He is so incredibly abusive and controlling.

Fuck my old boots. (the morning calls)

OP my dear, I was right, he has REALLY done a number on your head.
Have you accessed any therapy, to help you untangle the dynamics of this desperately unhealthy enmeshment?

But well done on going cold turkey on the weekend sleepovers.
Next step - keep his the fuck out of your house. He needs a bed for the night, or somewhere to entertain his children - he asks his parents. A friend. A B&B, the local McDonalds.
In short - anybody - just ... NOT. YOU.

See PP upthread's advice: you will never heal from this twat's evidently extensive manipulations until you jettison him from your life. And if you haven't had therapy or counselling yet - see your GP & ask to be signposted to some. You deserve to have an expert hand-hold in real life to help you unravel his shit.

he's always been on time and paid back every penny when he's borrowed money previously

All well and good but why are you actually subsidising a grown man when you could be saving that money for yourself and your kids?

DO NOT subsidise his car. Time for him to grow up.

I didn't even realise his behaviour was abusive until I started this thread - I can't even speak to anyone in real life about this because I know they will just say I told you so 😪

What the fuck

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me.

Give your head a wobble.

Definitely agree. What sort of message is it giving the children too.
I also hope you're not claiming benefits. This could well be viewed as living together.

Prize manipulator & controller speech.

"Hi Ex, I'm not interested in your opinion on this, & suggest you take it up with a psychiatrist. In the meantime, it;s time for you to start taking responsibility for your own life, so I've decided not to take out the finance deal for you. I'm also no longer comfortable with you treating my house like your home, so you'll need to sort out somewhere else to entertain/have the kids over when its your contact time. You can collect them from the door on [date/time] as usual, & either bring them back or I'll collect them at [date/time]. Bye."

When he inevitably kicks off:
"As I said, I'm no longer interested, & won't be responding to your personal grievances or requests for me to fund you. I don't want to get sucked into a back & forth on this, so will communicate with you from now on at [email protected]. Happy to make all childcare arrangements there, Bye."

When he next kicks off - he'll already be blocked on everything except your childcare email address.
ANYTHING he writes on there that isn't about sensible arrangements for the kids ... ignore, ignore, ignore.
It will take a while to get into the mindset of remembering that you don't owe his anything, including your time, or any conversation. Just keep telling yourself that just because he says.writes something, it doesn't mean YOU have to give him a response.

Definitely cancel
If he's angry with you( about nothing) now then you won't get payment from him
So what if he gets angry?
I'd end the " situationship" too

goodness me, you must be mad in love, with low self esteem. to have allowed this to happen, sleeping with him, letting him live there, sorting his car all the while you know he doesn’t care and is seeing others. That must be utterly soul destroying and kill your self esteem.

do you know what’s caused you to behave like this, to accept such awful treatment and still do anything for him?

OP please remove your kids from this totally dysfunctional set up and make a clean break. YABVU to get finance for him.

When he isn't telling me why I'm the reason for his issues, he is amazing he makes me feel amazing and I do genuinely love him (or at least thought I did )

No mate, that's not love, it's a trauma bond -
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/emotional-sobriety/202109/what-is-trauma-bonding

As PPs have suggested, block him on everything except one email. Then send a simple message, "not doing car finance as I'm not your mum."

If he is adult enough to have DC, then he must find a means of supporting them and spending time with them. Do NOT offer to drive them to him or him to them. I can see from your previous posts that he managed to disappear for 2 years without contact so let him step up, don't facilitate anything. Don't have anything to do with him financially or allow him in your house. He's managing to see other women and presumably manages to spend money on them so must have some coming in from somewhere. Please stop being used. If you keep contact with him to responding to messages about the DC and ignoring everything else (tell him to confide in a friend or see a professional as you are no longer in a relationship with him), it will be a lot easier to not be used.

All blocked, he doesn't know when he can have the kids next as his parents have said they won't facilitate contact as too much for them

Cancel, change the locks and get a new life.