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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Did I say something wrong?

83 replies

DollyPlop · 01/05/2023 07:20

I’m a community nurse. Last night I was doing an out of hours shift and I was paired up with a young HCA.
As we drove off I tried to get conversation going and asked her where she worked previously, she said this was her first job so I said “oh right, are you doing your nursing?”

Well this seemed to really piss her off!! She replied “doing MY nursing? Errr no … I’m working as a HCA”. I was a bit taken back as she seemed so offended! So I just said “oh it’s just that a lot of people train to be a nurse whilst working as a HCA, I thought maybe that was what you were doing” so she said “why would you assume that? Not everyone wants to be a nurse”

We didn’t talk much after that!! Did I say something wrong??

OP posts:
Mephisneon · 01/05/2023 08:56

She was spikey. But you did kind of imply the job she does is only a stepping stone and not good enough. So it's quite thoughtless,id hope as somone who deals with lots of people you would understand this.

BessieSurtees · 01/05/2023 08:58

What’s a TNA?

materialgworl · 01/05/2023 09:01

This is an easy one. You were the rude one for your first assumption to be she just can't be content with being an HCA. Snobby really

Original poster
DollyPlop · 01/05/2023 09:03

I used to be a HCA, nothing wrong with it at all … I guess I just assumed as she was so young she’d be planning on going up the ladder. I’ll have to be more careful in future

OP posts:
Unicorn2022 · 01/05/2023 09:04

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 01/05/2023 08:38

You implied that her job wasn’t good enough and that yours, as a nurse, was better than hers and what she should aspire to.

you were rude

That's how I would have taken it too, and I'm not easily offended.

dontgobaconmyheart · 01/05/2023 09:08

Unfortunate but I think it just touched a nerve OP. I wouldn't worry too much about it.

She is right that not everyone wants or is able to progress at a given thing and I imagine it must feel belittling if you perhaps might want but aren't able to (circumstances, lack of relevant access qualifications etc). Ultimately she might just want to be a HCA and felt you thought it was a lesser role - either way it's her own issue. Lesson learned for next time to not take that route though.

BessieSurtees · 01/05/2023 09:09

DollyPlop · 01/05/2023 09:03

I used to be a HCA, nothing wrong with it at all … I guess I just assumed as she was so young she’d be planning on going up the ladder. I’ll have to be more careful in future

Well fuck me, even after all of these replies you come back to reinforce that she is bottom of the ladder. Unbelievable.

I reckon she had you sussed from the off.

gentlemum · 01/05/2023 09:17

She's clearly easily offended but it is possibly a sore subject for her. I do think you're in the wrong for assuming that just because she is in young and in a HCA role that she must be in training for a 'better' more qualified job. Even if it's not what you meant, your words implied that being a HCA with no other career ambitions is not good enough for someone her age.

Mephisneon · 01/05/2023 09:24

BessieSurtees · 01/05/2023 09:09

Well fuck me, even after all of these replies you come back to reinforce that she is bottom of the ladder. Unbelievable.

I reckon she had you sussed from the off.

Show quote history

Yes this exactly. It's actually worrying op obviously works with people. Probably some in quite difficult times but has such little understanding of how she comes across.

neonjumper · 01/05/2023 09:25

She was rude . You were making conversation.

FabFitFifties · 01/05/2023 09:30

She was very rude. You were a bit tactless. HCA is a different role, rather than the bottom of the nursing ladder. Though within a nursing team, it's very different to being a carer in Social Care for example - you are managed and supervised by nurses, including the lowest grade nurses in the team. Some posters are confusing the two roles. I hope she isn't so easily offended by often extremely tactless clients. Or at least manages not to be rude to them.

Luredbyapomegranate · 01/05/2023 09:33

Idontgiveagriffindamn · 01/05/2023 07:24

Possibly the assumption that what she’s doing isn’t enough and she has to do something better.
maybe it’s a sore point for her.

Something like this, but she’s being oversensitive if so. Forget it.

Ladybug14 · 01/05/2023 09:34

DollyPlop · 01/05/2023 09:03

I used to be a HCA, nothing wrong with it at all … I guess I just assumed as she was so young she’d be planning on going up the ladder. I’ll have to be more careful in future

Yes. Just a bit less assumption making , is all

xPissflapsx · 01/05/2023 09:35

Clarinet1 · 01/05/2023 07:49

I think that you were just trying to make conversation and show interest in her. Whatever the reasons for her reaction may have been it, it was impolite and rude.

This!

Mortimercat · 01/05/2023 09:47

Mosaic123 · 01/05/2023 07:53

In my book you were subtly insulting her by saying that she was in a job where she she would obviously be wanting to move up to a different one. And it's not as though you knew her well.

A question about if she was local, for example, would have been more appropriate.

I'd be offended too.

Yes this. I think you were quite rude.

holidayholidayholiday · 01/05/2023 09:50

Well OP you've been handed your arse on this thread haven't you?!
Maybe it was insensitive of you, but I certainly don't think you'll be the only person asking her that question.
Her response was also rude to what was a perfectly normal question.

You were maybe insensitive, but she was bloody rude!

Kingoftheroad · 01/05/2023 09:55

You were only being friendly and maiming conversation- no excuse she was down right rude

Daylighteyes · 01/05/2023 09:55

I think she was rude!

Hopefully as a HCA she’s not as ‘spikey’ to her clients if they asked a similar question.

Redlocks30 · 01/05/2023 10:01

DollyPlop · 01/05/2023 09:03

I used to be a HCA, nothing wrong with it at all … I guess I just assumed as she was so young she’d be planning on going up the ladder. I’ll have to be more careful in future

‘Up the ladder’?!

I think you need to think before you speak, yes.

Willmafrockfit · 01/05/2023 10:03

plenty of hca's around,
they dont all go into nursing.
i dont spose she was qualified

Willmafrockfit · 01/05/2023 10:05

i agree you should have been more careful and tactful.

Hillrunning · 01/05/2023 10:08

I'd be annoyed with you if you asked me that sort of question. Her response was a bit over the top it doesn't negate that what you said was rude.

5128gap · 01/05/2023 10:10

I suppose the nearest thing to imagine to see why it touched a nerve is if someone said to you 'Community nurse? Is there a way from there to train as a doctor?'
Obviously you didn't mean it, but I get why she was put out.

Rockingcloggs · 01/05/2023 10:22

No, you didn't say anything wrong at all.

Also, the theory that she was insulted because you implied that her HCA job is just a stepping stone to something better is shite too, if she gets insulted by that then she's clearly a member of The Professionally Offended Charter and should be given no more thought.

holidayholidayholiday · 01/05/2023 10:30

5128gap · 01/05/2023 10:10

I suppose the nearest thing to imagine to see why it touched a nerve is if someone said to you 'Community nurse? Is there a way from there to train as a doctor?'
Obviously you didn't mean it, but I get why she was put out.

But that's not right is it? They are completely different careers and professions. Whereas it's very common for people going into nursing to start as an HCA or to work as an HCA when training. It's a perfectly reasonable question to ask a young person in their first job if that might be their plan because in a lot of cases that would be correct.