To really not understand school mum behaviour?

[Mariettamayday]

I'll start by saying, I'm not really looking for more friends, particularly as my DD is now in year 6 but I can't help but still be baffled by school mum behaviour after all these years.

Here are some examples -

1. The way people act like best friends on the whatsapp group yet have never spoken in real life.

1. The way I will invite over/help someone out and they will be ever so grateful but then the next week go back to never speaking to me again. This is probably the worst feeling.

1. People are so moody/strange - one day they will say hi, the next they will walk past you like they don't even know you.

There are probably loads more examples.

I am a friendly person but I don't think I will ever understand the way people behave in the playground. I'm glad it's my DD's last year as I just find the behaviour so strange.

Is it just me?? I hope not.

It's not just you.
I have friends from school 40 years ago, mix really well with colleagues wherever I've worked. At classes and groups I attend out of work. But the school mum crowd? Going through it with my third child now and it's just so mind boggling for all the reasons you say
Also key ones close ranks and do secret socialising even though your kids get on great with theirs so they basically just exclude you because they want to . Utterly odd

I don't think the particularly a "school mum"
Thing. At school you are pushed together with 30 or even more people some of which you would chose to socialise with and some of which are going to be the type you'd normally run to the hills to avoid. You can't sweepingly out everyone in the same bracket. I've met some nice people at school that have been on the same wave length as me.

@newjobnewstartihope yes, that's exactly it. I'm a nice person, always been able to make friends, and yet have never encountered anything like it. All the usual social etiquette rules are thrown out of the window in the playground it seems.

I find that there is an expectation that people need to invite absolutely everyone to things or risk being called "bitchy" or "cliquey" but in the normal run of things people socialise with set groups of friends.

Oh dear….So I probably fall into the category of person you are talking about.

For me it’s because I am very socially awkward and find the school run/playground a really hard social situation. I am very chatty on WhatsApp because it’s usually topic based and easier to navigate than face to face. I sometimes chat to some people and other days I don’t because a) some days I’m socially worn out and can’t face small talk and b) I find approaching people and starting a conversation really difficult, but I can chat when other people instigate or start the convo.

I do wonder if even people less socially awkward than me just struggling with having small talk 2x a day 5x a week with the same people.

Gosh, yes! It's starting to get to me, thinking it's me, doubting myself.

I'm an immigrant, fairly new in the town I live and thought that must play a part too.
I constantly worry about my child as he's never been asked to a playdate with a school friend and I find it so hard to approach somebody while they are clearly blanking me.

Yes it’s like this. I’m guilty of it I suppose. I find the school run pretty overwhelming, I have my children taking to me, I’m running through a million things in my head making sure I’ve remembered everything, if I catch someone’s eye I’ll say hi but mostly I’m in my own little world. It’s not a snub, I’m just focusing on getting my children to and from school, not on exchanging pleasantries with everyone else who happens to have children at the same school.

I literally wear headphones some days if I’m really not up to chatting 😂

I think everyone should be able to manage a smile or a 'hi' especially if you had a previous interaction, no matter how 'socially worn out' you are. It's just rude not to greet.

And definitely not looking to make friends for myself. It's for the sake of the kids, who spend all day together every day (bar holidays) and will be growing up together for the next few years.

To be clear I would say Hi and respond to people greeting me or making eye contact, because obviously ignoring someone completely is rude. I just wouldn’t initiate conversation on some days.

If you have had to move area it is especially difficult. Setting an example to kids to be friendly, so they feel positive about school

But actually getting a metaphorical door slammed in your face. NB much easier with parents in KS1, KS2 is where it's hard. Looking forward to secondary and not doing it anymore.

There is no other circumstances where adults are thrown together for 20 mins every day together with no real common interest or goals.In work you make friends and gravitate towards them, you see people in meetings you see them at lunch etc. you learn about them. In school it's a minefield. Sometimes I do have a face on me. Oftentimes in work I'd have a face on me but because people see me more at work they probably wouldn't think it's as much of a Russian roulette as the school moms. I'm very grateful when people help- but I hate the transactional feeling that everything needs to be reciprocated. It's easy to be social on WhatsApp. Also I have to be nice to people who I mightn't gel with because our kids or friends, or I need to be nice to people who's kids were assholes because next week they might be friends again. It is awful. If you don't get involved you're standoffish if you get too involved you're one of "those". And I'm someone who doesn't actually mind it so I can't imagine how awful it is if you struggle socially at all.

We have the same. We can have a party for example one day where the mum of the class bully is so very chatty and friendly with me, but then the next day will literally completely ignore me even if stiff right next to me or walking up the road to school next to each other. Explains her child’s behaviour I guess! I just see it as a reflection on her, not me.

I actually don’t mind it. There’s a few mums I exchange pleasantries with, some I chat to. There’s a couple I avoid but with good reason. I work from home so most days the school run mums are the only people I will see all day

I really don’t experience this but mainly because I’m not at the school gate to chat! I’m normally in a rush so I’ll smoke and wave with a quick hello as I keep moving. Surely most people are the same?

Smoke and wave? Smile and wave…

YANBU

the best thing about them moving to high school is not having to deal with parents any more!

I really like most of the parents in DS’s class, but some mornings I am in an horrible mood and just want to avoid everyone. Others are the same… you can sometimes spot it

I don’t do 1 or 2 but 3 yes… just to give you an idea what it takes to get my ASD diagnosed child to school sometimes:

1. Chase him round the house (he’s bloody fast)
2. Grab him, carry him outside, put shoes on him, grab his three year old sister, grab buggy, grab all their coats and bags. Meanwhile he is shouting and trying to get away
3. Do the five minute walk to school pushing the buggy with one hand and holding his hand with the other while he struggles and tries to get away. Sometimes he succeeds and I then have to catch him all over again.
4. Walk him up to the classroom and hope his teacher is there to keep him there.

By this time I am in a daze and just about know my own name, really not up to much conversation or sometimes don’t take people’s faces in till they walk past in all the chaos!

The whole playground thing is weird, don’t get me wrong I’ve made some friends but overall it’s bizarre. The WhatsApp groups then give it a whole other level 😂

My youngest finishes primary this year and I can't wait to get away from the bloody school mum cliques 2 months to go and I never have to speak to these people again - woooh hoo!

I chat to people I meet but honestly my life is hectic enough without this creating some dramatic coronation street scenario of what other parents are thinking or feeling

I found the school playground pretty unfriendly and cliquey - downright unpleasant a lot of the time. I was literally shouted at for moving into the village when (asked by a group of mums on my second day there) I said we had bought our house having moved from overseas. I was told we shouldn't have been allowed (why? I'm British by the way and my ex had a job nearby).

We lasted under 3 years there, how can you explain that your kid isn't get party invites because you own your own home (3/4 of kids lived in the housing association houses, most owned houses (very expensive) the kids went private. We bought an ex council house

@Matchymatchylemonscratchy I know you meant smile but smoke and wave made me laugh!