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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Im probably being U but...

93 replies

legalseagull · 30/04/2023 19:37

Myself and DH sage 2 young kids 4 and 5

I work PT and he works FT clearly earning more.

We both keep £200 'pocket money' and everything else goes in the joint account which feels very fair and works well.

Last month I worked overtime over the Easter bank holiday. I don't need to, but I was covering for someone. I got an extra £300. Put it all in the joint account.

He's just won £300 on a bet and is delighted.

I don't expect him to put it in the JA but I am pretty peeved that he doesn't think I should have kept the overtime money. He thinks it's completely different.

I say - he's used his 'pocket money' to make a bet so should keep the winnings, but equally, I've used my bank holiday so should be able to keep some of it (not all, as he still had to care for the kids)

AIBU to think it's a similar situation and I should be able to keep some
Overtime pay for myself if I do it?

OP posts:
HellonMN · 01/05/2023 14:18

I'm with your DP.

He won money with his money, it has nothing to do with earnings or overtime.

If you sold something of yours on ebay and made £300 you'd likely think that was a nice windfall for you? And be a bit put out if he started saying he should therefore keep some of his overtime earnings?

SmallFerret · 01/05/2023 14:19

Fatandfunny · 30/04/2023 19:40

It’s a bad day when you’re marriage is reduced to arguing about 300 quid.

It is, but I don't think the argument is about the £300.

It's about DH not respecting OP's overtime labour as an additional contribution to the joint pot, but expecting his gambling win to be treated his solely his.

Scandimama · 01/05/2023 14:22

I don’t understand marriages where you don’t consider all your money your joint money.

BarbaraofSeville · 01/05/2023 14:32

You have two extra £300s and should do the same with both.

Most should go in the joint account as it sounds like it needs it, but both keep some back as personal recognition of the extra work and luck?

Perhaps each keep £100 and the rest going in the joint account?

cannaecookrisotto · 01/05/2023 14:53

We do things a bit differently in our household but just to caveat we are not married. Been together 12 years, share a home and have a child together.

We both work full time. I earn about three times what he does. Originally, we used to pay the bills then split what was left - but this lead to me feeling resentful. I was working towards promotions, adding to my qualifications which meant studying in my spare time to increase my earning potential. He was happy doing what he was doing.

We changed it up, so that I paid 2/3 of the bills in relation to our disparity of earnings, then we just kept our own remaining disposable. I have my savings, he has his. Obviously I'm still much better off each month, but when it comes to big ticket items such as holidays, I'll just pay for it. I couldn't stand the thought of being allocated "pocket money" and having to check in with him for any big ticket items. If I want to buy a new car, I will just buy one. I won't be seeking permission when I'm paying for it.

We include the childcare fees in with the overall bills. He works an extra day on a Saturday occasionally for additional "pocket money", I look after DD but I don't expect him to pay extra towards the bills, he chooses to work extra and generally puts this money away for tinkering with his car.

We get on with this system much better, plus I feel it gives him some initiative (and me!) to keep achieving higher at work. Over the last few years, he is earning more and more so if his pay starts to reflect mine, we will slide the bill scale accordingly. If we were to split, the house would be sold and we'd each take 50/50.

I appreciate our system might not fit in with the "family money is family money" view, but it works for us.

Irritateandunreasonable · 01/05/2023 15:09

Fatandfunny · 30/04/2023 19:40

It’s a bad day when you’re marriage is reduced to arguing about 300 quid.

Wow. £300 is a lot of money to some people.

mrsm43s · 01/05/2023 15:12

legalseagull · 01/05/2023 10:56

Yes that would seem fair

Show quote history

Really?

So you're happy for him to keep 50% of the extra money he earns whilst working more hours while you do childcare? I imagine he'd be very happy with that, would likely give him loads more spends.

Or do you think you should keep (some of ) the extra money you earn while he does childcare, but when he earns extra money whilst you do childcare he should put it all in the shared pot? Because that's just not fair.

The agreed system in your house seems to be that extra money earned from working extra hours whilst one does childcare gets put into the family pot (quite fairly in recognition of the "unpaid" work that facilitates the working). Therefore your overtime money should go, in full, into the family pot, just as his extra wages do every single month.

The money he won is his alone. I think it would be nice if he did treat you to something or spent the money on something that benefits the family as a whole, but that's up to him.

DanceMonster · 01/05/2023 15:18

I think as he doesn’t keep the extra he earns when you’re looking after the children, you shouldn’t keep the extra you earned while he was looking after the children.
Equally though I know my DH would have spent winnings on something enjoyable for the whole family.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 01/05/2023 15:31

I'm team DH.

All the money he earns goes into the joint account. You do childcare to allow him to work longer hours.
When you do extra hours, he also provides childcare to enable this. So your earnings should go into the joint account just like his do.

He won a bet because he spent £10 of his fun money, so that should be his to spend as he wishes. Just as if you bought a scratch-card with your fun money and won £300, it would be yours to keep.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 01/05/2023 15:37

Hmm this is an interesting philosophical topic.

I can see where he is coming from. He’s thinking your OT is wage money which goes into the joint and his winnings as a one off windfall that he should keep.

I can also see your point as well that your OT is above and beyond your typical wage which shouldn’t be counted as normal incoming. You also appear to have no issues with him keeping the windfall.

Here’s what me and my DH do… if one of us gets extra money we discuss and agree with how we are going to treat it. (in some cases we plunk it into savings until we decide.) so in your case we would have talked about the OT and the winnings. We also do the same if one of us wants to make a purchase for ourselves outside of pocket money. For example if he wanted a new golf club, we’d discuss and I might say sure, but I’m going to buy a new hobby item that costs about the same. (It’s not always a tit for tat)

So in this case I think we’d probably come to the agreement that he would keep the windfall and I would either take back the OT or agree that the next OT I would keep as personal. But I don’t think either of you are necessarily wrong in your thinking.

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 01/05/2023 15:47

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 01/05/2023 15:31

I'm team DH.

All the money he earns goes into the joint account. You do childcare to allow him to work longer hours.
When you do extra hours, he also provides childcare to enable this. So your earnings should go into the joint account just like his do.

He won a bet because he spent £10 of his fun money, so that should be his to spend as he wishes. Just as if you bought a scratch-card with your fun money and won £300, it would be yours to keep.

If I was in OP's situation I would be willing to consider this (and consequently apply the same to inheritance etc).

If the money wasn't actually needed. The OP (temporarily) increased her workload because the family needed that money.

A husband and father (or a mother and wife!) keeping the money in that kind of situation is selfish imo.

ButterCrackers · 01/05/2023 15:50

Keep your overtime money for yourself as he’s keeping his extra cash bonus. Check on the amounts he’s losing as well.

XLáBealtaine · 01/05/2023 15:53

I'd feel upset in op's shoes because my time is not given any value. I gave up the day and he benefits but when he wins money only he benefits. It's mean spirited at best. At worst, op's time not valued as a resource she chooses to give up.

DanceMonster · 01/05/2023 16:06

XLáBealtaine · 01/05/2023 15:53

I'd feel upset in op's shoes because my time is not given any value. I gave up the day and he benefits but when he wins money only he benefits. It's mean spirited at best. At worst, op's time not valued as a resource she chooses to give up.

But he works 2 hours every day when the OP doesn’t, but puts all his money into the joint pot.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 01/05/2023 16:37

XLáBealtaine · 01/05/2023 15:53

I'd feel upset in op's shoes because my time is not given any value. I gave up the day and he benefits but when he wins money only he benefits. It's mean spirited at best. At worst, op's time not valued as a resource she chooses to give up.

How is that the case?

When he works and she provides childcare, all income is put in the joint account.
When she works and he provides childcare, all income is put in the joint account.

The only reason he wants to keep this £300 is because the original £10 bet came out of his personal fun money, not their joint money.

GoodChat · 01/05/2023 19:12

Scandimama · 01/05/2023 14:22

I don’t understand marriages where you don’t consider all your money your joint money.

They do. They put it all into a joint pot and then have £200 each personal spends.

Scandimama · 01/05/2023 20:03

@GoodChat maybe wasn’t being clear - I don’t understand why not just share all money and not have “pocket money”? Surely you trust the other person to be responsible with the money. And if they want to now and again buy something a little more for themselves - a nice item of clothing, a gadget etc, surely you wouldn’t do that unless you can see that there’s room for that in the budget and no one should feel annoyed with the other for indulging themselves if you love each other? That’s all I meant. Don’t get it. In my marriage we have a joint savings account and a joint current account and each month we put a set amount in the current account and the savings account and keep the rest in our own accounts but in reality we never ask each other how much is left in our own accounts and if we buy eg holidays or stuff for the kids etc we often do it from our own accounts, and if one is low one month for whatever reason, we just transfer a bit from savings to ourselves or put less in savings. I guess we keep it a bit unspecified and fluid and don’t consider so much where exactly the money is because we trust you each other and don’t watch each other’s spending.

GoodChat · 01/05/2023 21:09

@Scandimama ah fair enough. Yeah we're the same as you, we do pretty much exactly the same.

But I do understand the logic in why people do what OP does.

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