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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Im probably being U but...

93 replies

legalseagull · 30/04/2023 19:37

Myself and DH sage 2 young kids 4 and 5

I work PT and he works FT clearly earning more.

We both keep £200 'pocket money' and everything else goes in the joint account which feels very fair and works well.

Last month I worked overtime over the Easter bank holiday. I don't need to, but I was covering for someone. I got an extra £300. Put it all in the joint account.

He's just won £300 on a bet and is delighted.

I don't expect him to put it in the JA but I am pretty peeved that he doesn't think I should have kept the overtime money. He thinks it's completely different.

I say - he's used his 'pocket money' to make a bet so should keep the winnings, but equally, I've used my bank holiday so should be able to keep some of it (not all, as he still had to care for the kids)

AIBU to think it's a similar situation and I should be able to keep some
Overtime pay for myself if I do it?

OP posts:
Mouldyfoodhelp · 30/04/2023 21:41

I think it feels like it should go to the family but I also see how it should be a choice.

Betting isn't a job and nobody else is covering responsibilities whilst the bets going on so I think saying take 300 out of the joint account is false equivalence, you're actively taking money where the winnings is bonus money nobody worked for.

I think it depends if he theoretically bet his full £200 if you'd expect him to go without until the next month. If you wouldn't then I'd say share.

mrsm43s · 30/04/2023 21:41

Evenin · 30/04/2023 21:16

I never said their sex had anything to do with it!!
I said that people stating woe is him for working 2 additional hours and yet not getting to keep the extra were talking shit! I pointed out that that's not how marriage works.
She gave up a bank holiday to work for the extra money and then put it into the joint pot. He wins 300 for no extra effort and gets to keep it. I was questioning the fairness surrounding that arrangement. And god forbid he had to watch the kids for an extra day when he works full time so sees them less anyway - what a hardship.

AND i suggested they come up with a compromise that would leave them both happy. In addition to OP reference to money being tight, i queried why he would keep the money if that was the case.

You're welcome.

Show quote history

He gives up two extra hours a day to work and earn extra money and she provides childcare. The money earned goes in the family pot.

She gives up her B/H to work and earn extra money, and he provides childcare. The money earned goes in the family pot.

There's literally no other difference apart from their sex! The same rules should apply regardless of which parent is the "earner" and which is the "childcarer".

Equalitea · 30/04/2023 21:44

I don’t think overtime is the same as winnings. Him working full time would be more opportunity for overtime so in the future he could then keep all of his overtime. I think all earnings should go in joint account but winnings should be shared.

Mouldyfoodhelp · 30/04/2023 21:50

Previous post was waffle-y.

In essence I think for winnings to be shared/ put in the joint account, when he loses it should also be to cover all those times he doesn't win

And the "take 300 out the JA" and overtime are false equivalences

NameChangingIsMySuperPower · 30/04/2023 23:18

It's mean of him!

In our house it probably would've worked out something like this...

I (or even him) work overtime, earn extra £300, pay it into the pot, especially as you said it's needed this month.

He (or me) wins £300 on a bet. Spend it on both of us. He would want to share any winnings with me as I would with him!

Maybe if he had a special occasion coming up and he wanted to do something else with it, that would be fine, but we'd discuss it first.

Foldinthecheese · 01/05/2023 00:05

I think it’s reasonable for your overtime money to go into the joint account, but I also know with certainty that if my DH won £300 on a bet he would absolutely give me some of the money to treat myself, or use it for a treat for the family. If your DH doesn’t show that sort of generosity of spirit, I can understand why you would wish to hold on to any additional money you might earn.

UsingChangeofName · 01/05/2023 00:16

mrsm43s · 30/04/2023 20:15

Does he keep to himself 1/3 of the extra money he earns in the extra two hours each day that he works while you're doing childcare?

Either money that one parent earns whilst the other parent does childcare goes in the pot or it doesn't. You can't expect it all to go in the pot when he's earning it, but for you to keep some or all of it to yourself when you're earning it.

The bet winnings is a separate issue, and is his to keep (unless he was gambling with family money rather than his own spends).

Show quote history

This.

I mean, I think it would be nice if he used it to treat the family to something. Or, if you say you have some bills coming up and money is tight, that he chooses to put it in the family 'bills' pot, but there is no "should" about it.

He puts all his earning less the £200 in the family pot, including all the earnings he makes in the 2 hours a day you have childcare. So you should put all the earnings you earn in the pot too.
YABU.

If the stake money is from his "pocket money", then the winnings are his too. Or would you be happy for the family pot to replace his stake money each time he loses it ?

katemulberrybush · 01/05/2023 07:29

He should learn that gamblers never win and therefore hand over his winnings to the joint acct

GoodChat · 01/05/2023 07:47

katemulberrybush · 01/05/2023 07:29

He should learn that gamblers never win and therefore hand over his winnings to the joint acct

But he did win.

And if he hadn't won, should he have taken the money lost out of the joint account?

Original poster
legalseagull · 01/05/2023 07:53

I actually wouldn't mind him using the JA to bed at all. He does massive accumulators and only ever bets £5 or £10 at a most. Yesterday he bet £3 on a particular score, with one player to score, then the same player to be sent off for taking his shirt off. Completely obscure bet that all came true!

OP posts:
MintyCedric · 01/05/2023 07:57

i can’t believe the nitpicking going on on this thread.

You get £200 per month personal spending money.

How about anything either of you get in excess by any means is split 50/50…you keep half and the other half goes in the joint account?

pyjamalife · 01/05/2023 08:32

Your husband is right. Overtime is earnings and is family account.
If I use my personal spends on a bet, I get to keep the benefits, same as I lose the shortfall.
You can invite your husband to put bets on with family money that would go into your joint account, but if he wants to use his personal account and keep the winnings, it's completely his choice! That's what personal funds are for, what you want to spend on. You can also ask him for his betting choices and put the same money on with your personal money and keep any winnings, as you're funding the risk.

I think it would only change if he wins lottery jackpot, he can't keep millions if you're destitute as a family 😅

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 01/05/2023 09:35

So your actual issue is not necessarily that he's keeping the money but that he specifically told you any extra earnings you might have must go in the shared pot?

That is not fair, and the source of the extra income is irrelevant. If the money was desperately needed, then fair enough to ask but it shouldn't be one rule for you and one rule for him.

Whaleandsnail6 · 01/05/2023 10:12

Im with your oh. The extra hours he works go into the joint pot, the extra hours you work should also go into the joint pot. You do child care so he can work the extra hours, and he did the childcare so you could work the extra hours, its the same situation for you both.

The betting money is a bonus, he took the risk using his fun money for it,so gets to keep the winnings.

Brunilde · 01/05/2023 10:21

We have the same set up and each take a set amount of personal money. What we do with that is up to us. My husband sometimes has a bet, or he will buy stuff to sell on to make extra fun money for himself. What ever he makes is his as he took the risk with his money and could have ended up with nothing. He has used his own money as he saw fit, nothing to do with me.

As others have pointed out any overtime we do is joint as if he is working I'm looking after the kids on my own or vice versa.

PuttingDownRoots · 01/05/2023 10:32

If my DH won £300 he would probably put it in the holiday fund. But we don't do pocket money, its all joint.

I do think you need to talk about this though... if you won £5k, joint or individual? Euromillions jackpot? So a decision that you keep the first £100 or so of a bonus might prevent future issues.

Mortimercat · 01/05/2023 10:51

legalseagull · 30/04/2023 19:59

But Im not say around sipping champagne for those extra two hours a day - im picking up and looking after our kids - therefore allowing him to work

Show quote history

It doesn’t matter, he earns more so he puts in more, so when you earn more through overtime, why would the arrangement change?

Anyway I am glad my marriage is not in such a state that we would be squabbling about £300 or even thinking about it. Petty.

Original poster
legalseagull · 01/05/2023 10:56

MintyCedric · 01/05/2023 07:57

i can’t believe the nitpicking going on on this thread.

You get £200 per month personal spending money.

How about anything either of you get in excess by any means is split 50/50…you keep half and the other half goes in the joint account?

Yes that would seem fair

OP posts:
Original poster
legalseagull · 01/05/2023 10:59

@Mortimercat 'such a state' Grin We've been married ten years and are very happy. Couples are allowed to have disagreements from time to time.

OP posts:
slowquickstep · 01/05/2023 11:19

What an awful way to live. As a married couple we just have money, none of this mine and yours. If either of us won money it would be ours. We have separate bank accounts, Dh pays certain bills, i pay a few and any food we need. This £300 pounds is not wages so why you think your overtime is any different i don't know. And surely your dh will be treating you all not just himself, if not it isn't much of a family.

UsingChangeofName · 01/05/2023 12:20

That is not fair, and the source of the extra income is irrelevant. If the money was desperately needed, then fair enough to ask but it shouldn't be one rule for you and one rule for him.

It isn't irrelevant though. Usually, OP's dh is able to work longer hours as OP is looking after the dc. All the extra money he earns goes into the family pot. This week, OP was able to work longer hours as her dh was able to look after the dc. So it is fair and reasonable that the money earned goes in the family pot.

Anyway I am glad my marriage is not in such a state that we would be squabbling about £300 or even thinking about it. Petty.

How privileged you are that your finances are, and it seems always have been so comfortable that £300 doesn't make a considerable impact on your family budget in any given month Hmm You should be counting your blessings, not calling other posters petty.

KTheGrey · 01/05/2023 12:35

His win didn't need your childcare, while your overtime needed his, granted. But your daily childcare is time you could spend working, but save the family money by doing free childcare when you could be working. Couldn't he have been working over the time you did your overtime? Because I am guessing not, so there was no potential loss of earnings by his doing childcare while you worked (or it would have been more than double what it is in the week).

Also you worked for yours and his was a flutter, so fun; if anybody keeps theirs it should be the person who didn't have fun getting it!

In any case, if you both end up with an extra £300 then only a selfish sod says that yours goes joint and mine is mine alone.

I would consider devoting a lot of time to siphoning off £300 bit by bit and spending it on premium bonds. Or something else secret for myself only.

UsingChangeofName · 01/05/2023 13:33

Also you worked for yours and his was a flutter, so fun; if anybody keeps theirs it should be the person who didn't have fun getting it!

and presumably, by that logic, then the person who doesn't gamble would also have to hand over money to the gambler, each time they lose ? Hmm

CaptainSeven · 01/05/2023 14:10

SquirrellyTheSquirrel · 30/04/2023 20:02

For the love of all that’s holy, let the man enjoy his winnings.

Surely you can’t be this petty over £300?

Surely he wants to share it with you? When I had a bit of extra money I shared it with everyone in my home. (DH and 2 x DC).

Did he not automatically think of sharing it with you?

gamerchick · 01/05/2023 14:15

Man I'm never having a joint bank account me. Seems like a right pain in the arse.

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