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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Want to cut off friendship but other people won’t leave me alone!

53 replies

oasissummerfruitss · 30/04/2023 16:19

So I had a friend, let’s call her B who was part of a small friend group of four of us. I am 26 and she is 21 so a fair bit younger.

As time went on, I realised B was really dramatic about a lot of things, including boys and dating always bringing problems to us which was quite exhausting. Only ever wants to go out and get drunk. She’s very “in your face”, constantly taking tiktoks and videos, just a very over the top person.
Now this is absolutely fine, I think I just realised we are very different and she’s not my type of person. I’m settling down and enjoy drama-free friendships.

B noticed I’d been a bit distant with her, and I was honest. I said she’s done absolutely nothing wrong but I just felt we were very different and that may be why I’ve been distant. I never said I wanted to cut her off or anything. Fair enough it’s not nice to hear but she completely kicked off at me, had a huge go at me. Tried to get all my friends against me - and then completely ignored my birthday. Didn’t even say happy birthday.

So at this point I was done. She’s not said a word to me since, and neither have I. She’s tried to consistently upload things about fake friends etc.

But the problem is mutual friends. We have a group chat of the four of us - the other two keep posting “let’s all meet up soon!” But I know for a fact she’s told them to do it.
I have another unrelated group of friends, who she has met a few times, who I invited to watch my bf play sport with me yesterday - i then get a text from one of the guys saying “B is asking if she can come, can she?”. It’s just getting exhausting.

its just not a friendship I’m interested in sustaining but I feel so much pressure from people to maintain it. Also, she’s made zero effort to contact me after ignoring my birthday, yet seems to be getting everyone else to do it.

AIBU??

OP posts:
Original poster
oasissummerfruitss · 30/04/2023 16:50

Bump

OP posts:
dontgochangingtotryandpleaseme · 30/04/2023 19:41

I think I'd have to say to friends that you and B aren't so close at the moment so, until the issue has been resolved, it would be best if they came on their own!

That way everyone knows what's going on and you can't be accused of talking about B behind her back.

Original poster
oasissummerfruitss · 01/05/2023 20:32

She just messaged for the first time in months. “Hi, I’d like to clear the air. I think we need to meet.”
she’s only asking this now because some of our other friends are realising it too.

I just don’t know how to say in a polite way that I’m not at all interested!?

OP posts:
HaveSomeIntrospect · 01/05/2023 20:38

Why did you feel the need to be so blunt? You knew you would have to see her, due to mutual friends. Are you never planning on being at any social occasion if she is there?

Davros · 01/05/2023 20:41

Just say "no thanks"

Gymmum82 · 01/05/2023 20:45

You’re never going to be able to maintain your other friendships without including her. So you either have to ditch all of them or be civil and inclusive to her too. You’ll just look like a total cow.
You don’t have to be her best friend. But clear the air and be civil. Part of being an adult is ignoring her drama and focusing on your other friends. You can’t invite all the group and not her. It’s mean, it’s bitchy. You may not like her. But unfortunately she’s friends with your friends

Ktime · 01/05/2023 21:01

Do not engage with her. Do not meet with her.

Ignore the flying monkeys, they're jealous you've managed to extricate yourself.

Original poster
oasissummerfruitss · 01/05/2023 21:39

Oh no I didn’t leave her out of our usual group. It was my other group of friends who she’s met once or twice

OP posts:
messysewingbox · 01/05/2023 21:41

In hindsight it probably wasn't the best idea to explain your distancing in such blunt terms, because your are part of a group friendship and not just one on one.
However, if you value your friendship with the group and wish to continue to see them, then it might be a good idea to meet up and try to explain a bit more about how you are feeling, trying not to make it sound like it's a person character flaw on her part.
So for example you could say that you find meet ups that revolve too much around alcohol and getting drunk not as enjoyable as you once did and you aren't keen on being shared on social media, but you prefer ....whatever....type of socialising.
You realise that she enjoys this type of social meet up, and because you don't want to limit your other friends and what they do then you 'll happily participate all together in a different kind of meet up but are fine for them to go have fun in this way without you, presumably you are.

KTheGrey · 01/05/2023 22:00

Sounds like B has got quite entrenched in your second friendship group if she can get them to contact you to ask if she can come with.

@messysewingbox has some good ideas; you don't need to cut her off, you just need to point out exactly what your differences and boundaries are. No tiktoking you, and you aren't going out to get drunk. These are pretty reasonable. Also she needs to grow up and not flounce about deliberately ignoring your birthday for a response, or sneak about mithering your friends. Because that's a bit weird.

Guavafish1 · 02/05/2023 02:13

I won't have said those things to B, just distances myself. People mature with age.

You've now altered the dynamics of the group and made it awkward for your other friends to social with you and without her.

I think you should take the high road and sort things out with B. It will save the friendship group and cause less aggro.

If you don't sort it out with her...you'll have to see if your friendship group survives.

StellaGibson2022 · 02/05/2023 04:06

I mean this kindly but her reaction was probably driven by hurt feelings, as you say she is only 21.

It sounds like you wanted to do the right thing for you but I think that the only place left for you to go is to start to move away from the group so that any further drama can be avoided and put this down to experience.

Unless you meet up with her and clear the air. Would that be a possibility?

snitzelvoncrumb · 02/05/2023 04:16

oasissummerfruitss · 01/05/2023 21:39

Oh no I didn’t leave her out of our usual group. It was my other group of friends who she’s met once or twice

Let them know what is going on. Ask if they could not reply to any messages.

I think you have to leave you main friend group.

MiddleParking · 02/05/2023 04:41

‘Happy birthday’ wouldn’t be top of my list of responses to ‘you’re too annoying to be friends with’ either. You’ve been mean and superior and it’s making your mutual friends uncomfortable.

nomoredrivingytu · 02/05/2023 04:50

Why did you expect a happy birthday?

awakeeveeynight · 02/05/2023 05:00

To be very honest, you say you don't like drama but you've (unknowingly) started a load of drama.
It would have been better to not say anything and just slowly done your own thing. But since you've got mutual friends I think you need to sort it out otherwise it's all too difficult and awkward for everyone.
Also - you need to give the whole thing around her not saying happy birthday a rest. Why does that matter if you don't want to be mates with her? It shows immaturity on your part.

DaftyLass · 02/05/2023 05:02

I'd just reply ' Let's not, and leave things rest. We are better off doing our own things'

custardbear · 02/05/2023 05:05

oasissummerfruitss · 01/05/2023 21:39

Oh no I didn’t leave her out of our usual group. It was my other group of friends who she’s met once or twice

This makes it sound like she's in regular contact with one or more of this other group of friends?!

autienotnaughtym · 02/05/2023 05:13

I think you were a bit blunt and it's not surprising there was a fallout. I would message and say no hard feelings but you don't feel the need to talk. I would explain to your other friendship group that the two of are not currently close so you won't invite her out. I would speak to your other friends separately and say you have struggled with the friendship and are stepping back but you are happy to see them separately/individually. They may choose not to bother as it's a lot of drama but at least you would no where you stand. You may have to accept she will attend group events as you can't ask others not to invite her. She also sounds tenacious, inviting yourself via friends you barely no to someone's event is very cheeky.

autienotnaughtym · 02/05/2023 05:14

By other friends individually I mean the two from the group of 4.

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 02/05/2023 05:21

I think you need to explain to your friends what's happened.

You are the drama in this scenario though.
You were rather blunt and rude and I have no clue why you think she'd say Happy Birthday?

Whichnumbers · 02/05/2023 05:29

I’d actually text back and ask

hi thanks for the message, be good to know
what do you want to achieve by meeting up?

see what she comes back with, still leaves you open to decline but puts more focus on the outcome

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/05/2023 05:51

She’s only 21 and those extra 5 years between 21 and 26 make a massive difference. In 5 years time, she may be where you are emotionally and developmentally. Her brain isn’t even fully formed. I get the immaturity is showing and understand it’s annoying. But give her a break.

If you want to remain friends with the other 2 in the group, I think be the bigger person and sort it out. I don’t agree with some suggestions to go to the other 2 individually. It could come across as very mean girl, especially as you have almost 3 times worth of experience more than her of being an adult.

ladycardamom · 02/05/2023 05:59

I think the friendship group of 4 she IS part of you'll have to take it or leave it. The other group of friends who are your friends, not yours, she can't infiltrate, so say no. But you'll lose that 4some friendship group. If it helps, we naturally grow out of friendship groups, but best not burn bridges.

BillyNoM8s · 02/05/2023 06:09

Are you potentially in danger of being alienated yourself, if both groups like her?

She's clearly managed to infiltrate your "other" friendship group too. How does she even know you're all going out? One of them must've told her?