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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Want to cut off friendship but other people won’t leave me alone!

53 replies

oasissummerfruitss · 30/04/2023 16:19

So I had a friend, let’s call her B who was part of a small friend group of four of us. I am 26 and she is 21 so a fair bit younger.

As time went on, I realised B was really dramatic about a lot of things, including boys and dating always bringing problems to us which was quite exhausting. Only ever wants to go out and get drunk. She’s very “in your face”, constantly taking tiktoks and videos, just a very over the top person.
Now this is absolutely fine, I think I just realised we are very different and she’s not my type of person. I’m settling down and enjoy drama-free friendships.

B noticed I’d been a bit distant with her, and I was honest. I said she’s done absolutely nothing wrong but I just felt we were very different and that may be why I’ve been distant. I never said I wanted to cut her off or anything. Fair enough it’s not nice to hear but she completely kicked off at me, had a huge go at me. Tried to get all my friends against me - and then completely ignored my birthday. Didn’t even say happy birthday.

So at this point I was done. She’s not said a word to me since, and neither have I. She’s tried to consistently upload things about fake friends etc.

But the problem is mutual friends. We have a group chat of the four of us - the other two keep posting “let’s all meet up soon!” But I know for a fact she’s told them to do it.
I have another unrelated group of friends, who she has met a few times, who I invited to watch my bf play sport with me yesterday - i then get a text from one of the guys saying “B is asking if she can come, can she?”. It’s just getting exhausting.

its just not a friendship I’m interested in sustaining but I feel so much pressure from people to maintain it. Also, she’s made zero effort to contact me after ignoring my birthday, yet seems to be getting everyone else to do it.

AIBU??

OP posts:
BillyNoM8s · 02/05/2023 06:10

Oh, and you are ridiculous to expect a happy birthday from someone you've essentially told that you don't like.

Truthseeker34 · 02/05/2023 06:11

I think you have been a bit mean to be honest. You could have just keep your distance without it being an issue.

mischlerischler · 02/05/2023 06:19

The way you handled it is a bit dramatic. If she is part of your friendship group, you need to talk to the rest of them and explain the situation. I think you've been a bit harsh and they might distance themselves from you if they feel like you've created an awkward situation.

As for your unrelated friendship group, it's weird she only met them 1-2 times, but feels comfortable texting them to join your day out. I would also explain to them what happened between you two.

Lastly, I am not sure why you would expect her to wish you a happy bday when you essentially told her you don't like her.

To be honest, you said she is dramatic, but you created a drama in this situation. I think you'll have to see if the friendship group she is part of will take her side or if they will still want to see you separately.

Mortimercat · 02/05/2023 06:24

I think you sound like a bit of a mean girl to be honest. I can’t believe you told her that she wasn’t your type of person and then express surprise that she ignored your birthday! Are you really that devoid of empathy.

She was part of a group and she must know your second group pretty well if she knows them enough to ask if she can come along. I think you have made things uncomfortable for everyone and maybe it is you that needs to move away from the groups and don’t be so mean again if you find new friends but one of the group is not your perfect ideal of a friend.

Iwantmyoldnameback · 02/05/2023 06:28

Sorry but you sound pretty immature yourself.

Leafblow · 02/05/2023 06:31

I don't know, it sounds like you started a lot of drama and expected no repercussions at all? It sounds like you decided, after no change in her behaviour, that you don't like her or want to be friends anymore.

Got in an argument with her when she was understandably upset for essentially being told you find her too annoying to bother with.

Then got annoyed that she didn't wish you a happy birthday, despite neither of you speaking at the time.

Ignored her attempts to make anything right by meeting up. Or trying to move past it.

What did you expect? That she would say 'yes obviously I am much too immature and annoying to be friends with someone like you' and remove herself from all your friendship groups? They are her friends too, even if they were yours first.

If you have a problem (an out of the blue problem, that it doesn't sound like your mutual friends share)
Then you probably have to be the one to leave the groups. You are the one with a problem here.
You can't upset someone and exclude them and expect her to take all the fallout.

What if your friends like her more than you? Or don't have a problem with her behaviour so see you as the person randomly causing drama and being a bit stroppy because she didn't say happy birthday? I don't know but it sounds like you had a problem, caused a bigger problem and are sort of dragging your friends into it too.

lunar1 · 02/05/2023 06:31

She's close to someone in your second friendship group, how else would she know about your plans.

Why does it matter so much about your birthday when you have told here she's not your type of person? That's to be expected isn't it?

I really don't think you have handled this well at all.

PortiasBiscuit · 02/05/2023 06:34

Poor girl, just imagining what your behaviour would have done to my confidence when I was 21yo.

electriclight · 02/05/2023 06:35

Considering you claim to enjoy a drama-free life, don't you think it was both immature and unnecessarily dramatic to tell her that you didn't want to be friends and didn't like her (because however you phrased it, that's what it was)?

Feel sorry for this 21 year old who has done nothing wrong, her self esteem must be crushed.

Feel sorry for your mutual friends who just want to maintain friendships with both of you and the group dynamic.

Even now, you sound awful as you gripe about the fact that she's trying to clear the air (for everyone's benefit) and wonder why she didn't wish you a happy birthday.

No idea why your mutual friends aren't sick of this bullshit 'poor me' attitude. I wouldn't put up with it.

Summerpetal · 02/05/2023 06:36

Ah ,see with age comes wisdom .I’m in a group of 4. One of them I don’t like .I think she’s false. And I know she lies .the other two adore her and ,I knew if I cut her off it would make it to awkward to continue seeing the other 2.
so I just live with it ,chat to her ,she’s one member of a group of 4 ,I don’t want to make it awkward.
which is exactly what u have done ,you have made it awkward for everyone,
shes. Now determined to be everywhere u are and making a point she’s thee injured party to friends

Ladybug14 · 02/05/2023 06:39

electriclight · 02/05/2023 06:35

Considering you claim to enjoy a drama-free life, don't you think it was both immature and unnecessarily dramatic to tell her that you didn't want to be friends and didn't like her (because however you phrased it, that's what it was)?

Feel sorry for this 21 year old who has done nothing wrong, her self esteem must be crushed.

Feel sorry for your mutual friends who just want to maintain friendships with both of you and the group dynamic.

Even now, you sound awful as you gripe about the fact that she's trying to clear the air (for everyone's benefit) and wonder why she didn't wish you a happy birthday.

No idea why your mutual friends aren't sick of this bullshit 'poor me' attitude. I wouldn't put up with it.

This sums it up very well, for me

If you don't want drama in your life, quietly move away from drama. With grace and subtlety.

You haven't done that.

Therefore the drama perpetuates

Summerpetal · 02/05/2023 06:40

Where groups of friends are concerned,your never going to be equally close to all of them ,and yours is a big enough group ,to be polite to her and more involved with the others..just make up ,clear the air for everyone’s sake ,or everyone will think your the problem and plan things without u

TinaYouFatLard · 02/05/2023 06:43

Sorry, who is the drama queen in this scenario?

You both sound 12.

Mindfulofmuddle · 02/05/2023 06:45

You couldn't have won either way in this scenario unfortunately. If you had just backed away and quietly avoided her, you'd be accused of ghosting and being unfair as she wouldn't know why. Having let her know, you're accused of being mean and upsetting her.
You have a perfect right not to spend time with someone whose company you don't enjoy, but you do need to explain to your mutual friends who do enjoy her company. It will inevitably affect the group dynamics, so you're going to have to accept that your ability to socialise with the rest of the group is going to be limited to whenever she isn't around. They're probably not going to want to choose, and in fairness they shouldn't have to.

HappyMeal564 · 02/05/2023 06:52

You've been dramatic yourself, especially over the no happy birthday. Why would she want to say happy birthday when you've just pretty much told her you don't like her. And it's made you cross?

WoolyAndYug · 02/05/2023 07:04

Chloe Brockett?

Crazycrazylady · 02/05/2023 11:03

I agree with everyone here . It all sounds so ridiculously over the top. Fine she annoys you, I can see why you wouldn't want to invite her to things but you seem surprised that your other friends haven't cut her off as well on your way so. You realise that you don't get to decide for the group .

TeaIsRisen · 02/05/2023 16:49

I think OP is being given an unfairly hard time.

She didn't "start drama", she did what everyone is suggesting is just starting to slow fade, friend noticed and confronted her, and per her OP she politely said "she’s done absolutely nothing wrong but I just felt we were very different" which is pretty benign and low-drama. The person starting drama is the friend who confronted OP over her behaving distant. Which honestly smacks of narcissism.

B has created a lot of havoc off the back of someone being distant - confronted her, is texting OP's friends who she barely knows, is texting asking for chats to clear the air. That's a hell of a lot just because someone says "we don't have much in common." B might be 21 but she's still an adult, she must realise that not everyone wants to go out and get pissed all the time.

nomoredrivingytu · 03/05/2023 02:28

TeaIsRisen · 02/05/2023 16:49

I think OP is being given an unfairly hard time.

She didn't "start drama", she did what everyone is suggesting is just starting to slow fade, friend noticed and confronted her, and per her OP she politely said "she’s done absolutely nothing wrong but I just felt we were very different" which is pretty benign and low-drama. The person starting drama is the friend who confronted OP over her behaving distant. Which honestly smacks of narcissism.

B has created a lot of havoc off the back of someone being distant - confronted her, is texting OP's friends who she barely knows, is texting asking for chats to clear the air. That's a hell of a lot just because someone says "we don't have much in common." B might be 21 but she's still an adult, she must realise that not everyone wants to go out and get pissed all the time.

Rubbish, she wants distance and is then moaning that B didn't wish her a happy birthday, total drama Queen.

MRex · 03/05/2023 05:22

It was unnecessary for you to tell her "I just felt we were very different and that may be why I’ve been distant", it was rude and you still share mutual friends. It is quite funny you expected her to wish you happy birthday after that, but surely you can see why nobody's esteem is that low! It's unlikely that she met your other friends twice and they are inviting her to an event, she has been in touch with them far more than that, you're just unaware. It also suggests she isn't as annoying to everyone else as she is to you. You need to make things right with her and then stop trying to control when she's allowed out with your other friends, because you'll look very strange doing that. Keep things cool. If she's so annoying then other people will stop inviting her, and meanwhile just do your own thing with people who aren't her friends.

electriclight · 03/05/2023 06:18

I've managed to get through several decades, and distance myself from a couple of people that I didn't gel with, without being quite so obvious, forthright and hurtful.

Greycloudlooming · 03/05/2023 06:31

For someone who doesn’t like drama, you’ve sure created a lot of it.

Stuf · 03/05/2023 06:46

Personally I would meet for a chat if seeing your friends is likely to involve her. You can keep her on the peripheral week to week for your own sanity and at arms distance. Be friendly and polite but not her friend. If meeting let her do alot of the talking. She’s basically a loud reactive person but saying this might cause drama. You could keep the emphasis on what you need rather than her behaviour by saying that you prefer a quiet life and to calmly cruise through life’s ups and downs. You feel overwhelmed with big reactions generally.

It might be worth chatting to your friends and explaining that you feel overwhelmed with the big ups and big downs and personally find the behaviour too much to cope with right now.

RampantIvy · 03/05/2023 06:47

From the way you have described her she sounds immature. However, for the sake of staying friends with the other two I would have just sucked up the fact that she was part of the group.

I think you handled it badly. You should have kept your opinions to yourself.

Stuf · 03/05/2023 06:48

I also agree it seems quite dramatic to cut her off and stop contact. It’s easy enough to be polite but not close.

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